Later
by Durandall
Summary: In his thirties, Kyon has lived a life different from the one he anticipated. He hasn't seen Haruhi in almost fifteen years. How much has changed in that time? How much is still the same? What does it mean for both of them when they meet again?
1. Prologue

Later - Prologue

A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

By Brian Randall

Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.

Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.

* * *

The Tsuruya estate is fairly large, even for the neighborhood it's situated in. Within the confines of the walls, there's the actual compound - which consists of no less than eight separate buildings - and the gardens. There are three of those.

One is the sand garden, which is set in the lee of the main building and a smaller connected guest house. Another face of the house, the side with the long porch, faces a larger garden of the more traditional sort, including a koi pond. The third garden completely encloses a separate building, which contains the Tsuruya family shrine.

Near the driveway is a lawn, which is not really a garden. It shares space with the wild cherry trees, and just inside the walls of the compound are well-trained hedges. A small team of people could properly maintain it working a few hours, one day a week.

Due to the relatively private nature of the Tsuruya family, they instead employ a single gardener, who works year-round.

That gardener is me.

I can honestly say that when I was a younger man, I would not have seen myself in the place I am. It's the nature of life to change that way, I suppose... Or to at least be unpredictable.

Then again, very little of what you know in childhood tends to follow you into adulthood. In my experience, a very small handful of the friends you make in school will be true enough to still be at your side when you are older. It's not that things come up, and friends stop being friends ... but distance develops ... grows between people.

A once-dear friend is seen again, and then there's the dull realization that after all that time, they really aren't friends ... not like they used to be. Acquaintances, but the spark of friendship doesn't quite rekindle; common interests just don't connect.

And then, for various reasons, I don't actively seek out many people from my past anyway.

It happens. People change.

You long for the past, but the past is gone; a seed sprouted doesn't send its leaves burowing back into the earth. And if it does ... it dies.

At some point, I just got used to the cycle of the years ... time passed. That kind of thing happens. One day, you're surviving. A few days later, you're living. A few years after that, you realize where you are, and then ... that's what's familiar. That's what's comfortable.

It's not to say that I'm stuck in a rut, but once you've set down roots...

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. And then again, maybe not.

It's winter, which means that in the Tsuruya estate, most of the plant life doesn't need much attention. The fish are slow when it's cold, but it's good to check on them every other day, at least. Tsuruya is not a demanding employer, and this time of year, I don't come by until later in the afternoon.

That may be a bit of an excuse...

My key unlocks the small door within the estate's larger gate, and once inside I survey the lawn. No branches fallen from the winds last night, which is good; some of these trees are quite old. After that, I circle around the outer edge of the shrine garden, checking the hedges. This also lets me listen for any sign of the family within.

Maintaining that garden is also my responsibility, but given the nature of it, I always do my best to make sure that the family is undisturbed there.

There's no sounds of anyone within, and more tellingly, no scent of incense. I round the shrine garden's outer wall of dense bamboo, and walk beneath the torii that defines the entrance, pausing to bow in ritual recognition. Inside, everything is as it was left the day before. Most of the plants are covered, and those that aren't haven't changed.

The shrine door is open, so I step inside. I don't make eye contact with any of the portraits, but I check the small box of incense near the burner. Plenty left - but I light one and ring the bell, spending a minute of contemplation there before I leave.

After that, around the back of the house to the traditional garden. It's still in order, and the koi are fine - no need to feed them today.

The sand garden is a relatively private area, really, like much of the estate. Acoustically, it doesn't let a lot of sound out, but there are still points where one, perhaps a gardener, can listen discreetly. I do, and I catch two familiar voices - Tsuruya, and her son Kintaro.

At this time of day, he's just arrived home from school and is eagerly telling his mother, "...and tomorrow, we're going to start reading up on Basho!"

Tsuruya chuckles in response, then says, "Basho is your uncle's favorite, you know. Can you guess which verse he had in mind when he made this garden?"

"Um..." Kintaro thinks about this for a while.

It doesn't feel like I'm interrupting, so I step around the corner on the lower walkway that surrounds the sand garden, just below the porch lining the house's exterior.

Kintaro is eleven years old, which makes him shorter than me a bit - but given the height difference of the walkways, he's almost half a meter taller at the moment. His hair is more subdued in tone than his mother's, more of a dull gray to her own vibrant green, but he's inherited her grin completely.

He does not get his eyes from his mother, though most of his temperament comes from her. Right now, his gaze is fixed on the sand garden behind me, furiously contemplating - trying to extract some meaning from the arrangement of rocks and the lines that have been carefully combed into the surface. Taking a look at it myself, I know what symbols I was trying to make.

The garden has a quintet of carefully maintained bonsai trees. They're each surrounded by a low ring of painstakingly placed stones, lining a bowl shape to limit their root growth, but still set within the confines of the garden. Being relatively permanent plants, I very rarely move them; currently, they are arrayed in a half-circle around the garden's central boulder. The other two prominent boulders are at points on the other side of the central stone.

The pattern was very simple - I combed across the entire garden with a sand-rake, perfectly straight lines, right-to-left, only breaking around the permanent interruptions in the area. Those lines I smoothed as much as possible, trying to make it look natural. After that, painstaking hours were spent giving every object its own circular ring of groomed sand - proportional to the size of the interruption. It wasn't done after that, of course, and then I needed to repair the base underlying lines around the new patterns to cover my own footprints.

Now, the central boulder is ringed with great concentric circles in the sand - circles, not a spiral (I can do that, too, but it's more difficult than you think). It stands in the middle of the garden, given more prominence by those symbols. The bonsai are far enough away that their own auras are free of the boulder - though the very outermost ring swirls around the bonsai in a complex braided spiral, weaving the five of them together with whorls that make them look connected - almost a single object despite the significant area they cover.

The other two stones I decided to treat differently, combing lines to connect them and then giving those lines (and the stones at their endpoints, naturally), another intentionally irregular form.

Kintaro's eyes don't go to me, studying the shapes for a long minute. "I see the sun," he says after a moment, his grin widening as he studies the central boulder. "The trees are the heavens - clouds, and a roof for the sun. These boulders are the earth, beneath the sky!"

Tsuruya nods at that, though I can barely see her from where I stand at the moment. "But do you know the poem?" she presses gently, the smile carrying in her voice.

Kintaro hesitates a moment, then shakes his head guiltily, turning to give his mother an apologetic smile. "I don't think it's Basho," he determines.

"He's right," I say gently, smiling myself. I step into the garden on the walkway. It takes almost an entire day to properly groom the garden, though thanks to the house's structure, it will usually last over a week before needing to be repaired. "I do adore Basho, but this garden's poem - to me - is a renga."

"Ah!" he says, grinning, shaking his head. "I thought so! This is too modern for Basho!"

I laugh when Tsuruya gives a tiny, scandalized gasp at that. "Kintaro!" she says with a chastising giggle. "Such words!"

"It's true," I assure her, grinning at Kintaro and reaching up from the walkway to tousle his hair in a familiar way. "Now..." I get a glimpse of movement from within the house but turn back to the garden before I process it. I clear my throat and recite:

"Sun, cloud, earth and sea:  
"Circles within and without;  
"All are connected.

"Sunlight fades as clouds ascend,  
"Seas stir while the earth slumbers."

This form of poetry is not properly renga. That is to say, a standard haiku, followed by two seven syllable lines. These are formed in groups, usually collaboratively working together to make a single poem. Traditionally, there are at least five people involved in creating one, because three is not quite enough, and four is unlucky. The theme was popular in Basho's time, especially among his students.

And it should be obvious that he is one of my favorite influences. Tsuruya, Kintaro, and I therefore don't truly fit the classic theme. Our verse exchanges tend to be shorter, too.

But then, what I admire most about Basho isn't his adherence to form - it's the spontaneity of the expression. You see something, there's a shape that's difficult to put into words ... and then you shape a very strict form that tries anyway. Can that thing that you saw really be captured entirely in so few words?

Kintaro has been familiar with the style for some time, and mulls it over, not recognizing this particular poem yet. Tsuruya remembers, though. In retrospect, Kintaro would only have been eight when we made it. What I quoted were the verses that I originally scribed, so Tsuruya, naturally, echoes with her own lines from that more distant winter:

"So sleeping, we dream.  
"Do you share your dreams with me?  
"Or do they wander?

"Through the starry skies above,  
"Knit together in a quilt."

Ah ... yes. I hadn't seen her perspective when I made my verses. But that's the wonder of a collaborative poem - those fascinating bits of insight that you share and receive with others. Kintaro brightens, remembering it as well.

Standing perfectly straight, as though for a formal recital, Kintaro says:

"We are together,  
"Different words or the same..."

He falters, hesitant... Not that I can blame him; it was a poem from a long time ago, and he's still young yet. He's got better things to do than fill his head with all of the poetry he can memorize - even if that does seem to be his goal, most days.

But then another voice picks up from within the house - and I freeze as the speaker concludes:

"All in harmony."

She pauses for a moment, reflecting on the line. I can see her, somehow missed behind Tsuruya. She's aged well - that's a given at a glance. Her hair is longer than when I saw her last, and her signature ribbon is gone. Now it's bound up in a no-nonsense ponytail, hanging low behind her.

Her eyes aren't looking at me yet, so my heart still works. Her lips purse slightly, and the faintest hint of concentration appears between her eyebrows, as though she's deep in thought. With a tiny, shimmying shake of her head, she recites the final lines of the renga (my words, when Kintaro couldn't come up with a conclusion):

"Self, family, city, world,  
"One circle contains many."

Then her gaze sweeps to me, from her study of the garden that I'd groomed, and she gives me a look I can't entirely read... She's slightly quizzical, I can tell that much. Surprised, a little bit. And ... I don't know ... I used to be much better at this. Wistful? Melancholy? I can't say, because she's smiling anyway.

"Aw," Kintaro pouts. "Uncle had to help me with the last bit, anyway..." Then he seems to remember his manners. "Oh! Uncle! This is Mother's friend, Suzumiya Haruhi-san!"

"'Uncle?'" Haruhi asks with a laugh, her gaze swinging away, letting me breathe once more, and my heart start to work again. She shakes her head, seeming for some reason faintly relieved, and at the same time, vaguely disappointed. "Ah, you know, Kintaro-kun, I know Kyon- That is, your uncle, from way back when!"

"Really?" Kintaro asks, surprised.

"That's a story for another time," Tsuruya says with a chuckle, shaking her head at Kintaro. "Now, you change out of your school-clothes, alright?"

He pads off with a cheerful acknowledgement, and Tsuruya shakes her head again, watching him leave. She gives me a sympathetic, apologetic look. "Um ... so, Haru-nyan, ah ... as I see you remember, this is ... well, Kyon-kun," she offers uncertainly, indicating me.

That expression I can't quite place returns, and she looks back at me, from where her gaze had been following Kintaro... "I know," she says softly. "So. What's it been ... fifteen years, huh?"

Not to the day ... but not that far off, really. "Yeah," I manage.


	2. Chapter 1

Later - Chapter One

A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

By Brian Randall

Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.

Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.

* * *

It's a remarkable difference to see her standing on the deck, above the sand garden's lower walkway, contrasted against my last view of her. I won't forget that image, though ... given all that time, it had been strongly built up, too.

She'd just turned twenty, in her second year of Toudai. I remember the heat in her expression, the bewildered anger... There was her signature confidence, behind all that, too. Now, of course, the anger was gone - but the confidence was still there. She was still confused, but after that much time, well...

I was making a fool of myself, though, just standing there on the sand garden walkway, looking up at her. "Fifteen years, that sounds about right," I say, before the moment grows longer.

Looking vaguely uneasy, Tsuruya shakes her head, saying, "I will check on Kin-chan... Haruhi, if you like, why don't you and Kyon-kun catch up? Um ... he can show you the grounds."

Haruhi gives Tsuruya a curious glance, studying her as though searching for some ulterior motive before she nods. "Um, thanks, Tsu-chan. Yeah ... that'd be ... good."

Tsuruya leaves, chasing after her son, and Haruhi turns back to me, one hand holding the edge of her skirt down as she hops to the lower walkway a few steps away. She catches her balance and raises her other hand as though to adjust her hair, then pauses, hesitant. She's shorter than me, still ... I'd forgotten, thanks to the height of the porch. Now she's wearing house-sandals, but I can easily imagine her wearing sensible lifts with her current ensemble. When my eyes go back up, they catch hers for a heartbeat.

Then I remember other times, so long ago...

I don't want to think about that, though. Instead, I gesture down the pathway, to the traditional garden. This late in the year, the lighting isn't good, and it won't really be much to see... The bonsai in the greenhouse, maybe. Never mind that, though. I can tend them tomorrow.

"So," I say, shaking my head, "Suzumiya Haruhi, how have you been?"

"Fuck," she says, tossing her hair and rolling her eyes, completely betraying the business-like persona her clothing suggested. "Nice evasion, you jerk." Then she punches me in the shoulder - not hard enough to knock me over, but enough to sting. Laughing, she steps ahead of me. "So, really ... you're the gardener here?"

"Yeah," I answer, rubbing my shoulder. "Uh ... at this point, I'm the longest working employee on the estate."

"Is that so?" she asks, raising an eyebrow at that. She rounds the corner to the traditional garden, then turns her head, studying the lay of the different plots and the arrangements surrounding the koi pond. "You do all of the gardening alone?"

"Yeah."

She shakes her head. "I recognize this arrangement," she declares, indicating the pond. "This was popular in the Nara period."

"That's right."

"Hmm. The sand garden was nice, though..."

"A garden has been maintained in this particular style on the Tsuruya estate historically since Nara was the capital, out of recognition for the family's historic prominence. It's not really ... my place to change it..."

Heaving a sigh, she turns her heavy gaze to me. "How ... did this happen? I mean..." She hesitates, then prods, "I mean ... y...you... That day, what happened?"

I have my reasons. It's not like I haven't gone over them dozens - well... Possibly thousands of times.

Of course, when you come face to face from the person you ran away from, half a life ago, those justifications feel pretty flimsy. Even if they are true. "I couldn't take the pressure," I say honestly, not meeting her eyes, staring at the bamboo boar-scarer, currently idle with the pump disabled.

Her gaze goes to it, too, and she takes the stepping stones across the pond to the device, examining it more closely, but not actually touching it.

"So ... you just ran away," she mutters. "Unbelievable. Unbelievable. T...that's just..." She sighs, her head still bowed. After a moment, she speaks, though it's somewhat slowly. "You have no idea how much you pissed me off, Kyon."

That's about what I expected... I can't honestly say that I've forgotten about Haruhi. She's the type of person you don't forget. "I ... guessed I might," I admit, turning to the garden.

She's quiet for a moment, pushing down on the bamboo rod, then letting it fall back to the stone with an echoing clatter.

"You _asshole_!" she snaps, struggling to keep her voice quiet. She looks about to say more, but instead turns, staring into the still koi pond, where the fish sluggishly wait for warmer weather.

I can see that she'd be furious. After all ... I denied her what she wanted. More importantly, I failed her. I disagree on when I actually failed, though. How to tell her that?

"Toudai wasn't for me," I say, which is a pretty crummy defense.

She gives me a look that says she thinks so, too. "You could have made it through college," she says, in a slightly accusatory voice. "O...or, if you'd just ... told me that you wanted to be a poet... Hell, you'd never even come up with a decision of what to do with your life after school! Or a major-" She cuts herself off with a sigh. "So ... gardening, huh?"

"And poetry," I admit. "I didn't really see either of them coming to me, though ... I couldn't have told you back then because I didn't _know_."

"You still haven't really told me why," she reminds me, fixing me with another hard stare.

"Because you are Suzumiya Haruhi," I tell her. "Do you remember high school? Back ... before we tested for Toudai, you know, with the practice exams..."

"So? Of course I remember ... and when you applied yourself, you didn't do that badly! I got you though that! If you'd stuck with me, I..." She trails off with another sigh, hanging her shoulders.

"You probably were good enough to get both of us through college," I say carefully. She's smarter than me ... I shouldn't have to explain more than that.

She smiles, then, though it's very sad. "Yeah," she sighs. "I had to tell you I was pissed off ... because even if it was some crazy-ass demand from your 'artist's soul,' or whatever - it was still a really jerkish thing to do, Kyon. Seriously, you didn't even have the guts to say _goodbye_?"

I cannot deny the truth of her words ... or meet her gaze. So I turn to stare at the koi as well. "You're right," I acknowledge weakly. "I didn't - because I knew if I tried, you'd never let me go. And probably neither would I."

The faint winter breeze settles, and the pond's surface stills. I can see her reflection, though her image wavers faintly. Her eyes seem especially watery, reflected there. "Stop trying to be so _nice_!" she snaps, her voice strained. "Because the worst thing about you is even after that ... I can't hate you for it!"

I look up in surprise, and see the one thing I had failed to take into account... Ah, no, after this long, I knew about it. I'm lying if I say otherwise. I knew it could hurt her, but I was so desperate to try and right my own situation in some small way that I put myself ahead of her.

After all ... even if I liked her, I couldn't stand seeing the shambles of my life in comparison to hers; not then. "I would have slowed you down, you know," I tell her. "Like when you made us into a band ... remember that?"

She nods, still staring at the pond as the wind picks up, scattering our reflections.

"You didn't need us ... and if you had gone on your own, or found people who could keep up with you better..." I shrug.

"But we were a club! I couldn't very well have called it a club activity if..." She shakes her head, crossing her arms over her chest. "We were friends. Friends do things together, you idiot. I know that I have a lot of energy ... but it's not like you couldn't keep up-"

I hold up a hand to forestall her. "Suzumiya-san ... you may be right." Actually ... she would absolutely be right, if it came down to it - except for those horrible consequences. "You may be wrong. At this point, it's a decade and a half into being academic."

She stares at me, then nods grudgingly. "I do know that," she tells me softly. "I mean ... intellectually. You can know something on a logical level and not care for it on the emotional level. But then ... I guess you probably never would have written anything ... if you were with me."

I can't help but feel touched by that ... shaken, too, but touched. That tells me that she really _could_ have found me again. The only reason she didn't must have been because some part of her didn't want to...

At least I seemed to have gotten that part right.

I clear my throat, turning to stare at the wall of the Tsuruya shrine garden. "Y...you read my book?" I ask. A stupid question; she remembered the renga that Tsuruya, Kintaro, and I had made, those years ago. She'd _memorized_ it. Stupid of me to include that in a published volume, in retrospect. Did I really think that Haruhi had forgotten my name?

Actually ... I think I might have believed that for a while. I was wrong, though, and it would hardly be the first time.

She laughs softly and shakes her head. "I've read all of your books," she clarifies. "It... I was really shocked when I saw your first one. I saw your name ... really, it was kind of funny." She clears her throat and turns to stare at the clouds. "I lost that year of college, thanks to you, you know."

I flinch at that. "N...no?" I manage, surprised. "Well ... I thought I was holding you back, but that-"

"Oh, hell, no - tell me you haven't been holding that over your own head for all those years?" she demands, eyes widening in incredulity. "I mean, damn, I thought you could be stupid sometimes, but seriously?"

"Not ... precisely," I say, shaking my head.

She sighs, relaxing very slightly. "Anyway, how did you end up here?"

"Um ... I ran away from ... everything for a while. I ran into Tsuruya-san near Kyoudai..."

"Looking for Mikuru-chan?" Haruhi asks, half-heartedly.

I shake my head again. "I wasn't there on purpose."

"Alright," she says reluctantly, raising her hands and sighing. "I'm not being a terribly good guest... Ah, I'm reluctant, though. You're going to promise me that we're going to meet up again to talk? Like ... properly catch up? Even if I've read your books..." She shrugs. "You know. Tomorrow night, how about that? We can have dinner - since you're doing so well, big-shot published poet, you can treat me, okay?"

Considering she's right that I had wronged her ... I do owe an explanation. It may not be pleasant, but I've had long enough to run. "Okay," I agree. "Um ... for various reasons, Kintaro spends some time with me during the week." Haruhi gives me a questioning look, and I quickly explain, "Tsuruya-san's husband passed away before Kintaro was born. Tsuruya-san and I are friends, so I help look out for him, where Tsuruya-san's husband can't."

"Ah," she sighs. Again, a strange mix of annoyance and satisfaction. It must just be that I can't read her as well as I once thought I could. If I ever really was very good at that. "And so, 'Uncle.'"

I nod in answer. "Um ... you're staying here, then?"

"For a few days," she allows. "Tsuruya-san..." She looks uncomfortable and places one hand on her side, sliding across her stomach as though brushing off some dust before resting it above her hip, looking away at the cloudy sky. "Well, for a few days." Her mouth quirks into a smile as her hand drops to her side, and she teases, "Inviting me to stay with you, then?"

I cough and shake my head urgently. I don't blush; I just feel like an idiot. I've had years of practice at that, though. "I'll come by tomorrow to pick you up and treat you to lunch," I offer. "Um ... and I know you haven't talked to Nagato in a while, so, that might be nice, too..."

Haruhi's eyes first go wide, and then she looks briefly furious, both hands dropping to her sides and clenching into fists. Then she relaxes and forces her gaze away, her breathing still slightly quickened. "Well, shit," she says quietly. "So, you and her, then?"

"What?" I reply, uncertain. What does she think?

She shakes her head quickly. "Just... Oh, well ... I thought she liked you, you know?" she asks, though it's not really a question. "Um ... so, you know, Mikuru-chan walks off one day. A few years later, even though I tried, _you_ ran away... And when I told Yuki, she vanished, too!" She stills herself, forcing that smile that I'm starting to realize is a mask ... more natural than Koizumi's, but still a mask. "Ah ... but ... that was so long ago... Lunch tomorrow, huh?"

I had no idea that Haruhi would have been mad at Nagato.

"Yeah..." I'm just full of good ideas today. "You know where I work, anyway, so..."

"Kyon-kun!" Tsuruya carols from the deck, leaning around the corner of the house and waving, Kintaro poking his head out from behind her and giving a huge grin. She beams a smile at us, then hops daintily down to the pathway, quickly trotting to my side. She turns her smile to Haruhi, a quick, worried glance between us briefly betraying her concern before she adds, "Haruhi! So, did you catch up?"

Kintaro doesn't replicate his mother's feat, instead trotting around to the steps, then rounding the corner eagerly. "A bit," Haruhi says, nodding. "There's just an awful lot to catch up about... Um, a...anyway, we haven't really ... properly finished catching up ourselves, have we?"

"True!" Tsuruya agrees. "Um ... so ... Kyon-kun..." And she gives me a familiar, easily readable gaze.

"Hey, Kin-chan," I prompt the young boy, who bounces excitedly on his feet, looking between us all expectantly. "You know what? Suzumiya-san and your mother might want some privacy. How about staying over at my place tonight?"

"Okay!" he cheers. "Will Nagato-san be there? Or Auntie?"

"Ah..." I check my mental calendar. Tomorrow night was originally planned to be a 'family' dinner night - Tsuruya, Kintaro, and 'Auntie' (my sister) over to join Nagato and I. Tsuruya liked the idea of a weekly tradition for Kintaro, and honestly, I didn't much mind. "Nagato, as always," I agree, mustering a smile. Judging by Haruhi's expression, she's keen on finding out the identity of my sister, but I'll ignore that for now; a harmless mystery she can unravel with Tsuruya's assistance while I try and clear my head.

Tsuruya pats Kintaro's shoulder. "Kin-chan, why don't you show Suzumiya-san to the sitting room? We should offer our guest a drink, too, shouldn't we? Now, I'll be along in a moment, but I wanted to ask Uncle for a little favor, alright?"

Haruhi glances between us, undoubtedly picking up at least some of the subtext, but nodding, beaming a smile at the boy. Once Tsuruya judges she's out of earshot, she turns back to me, bringing her hands together before her in an old nervous habit. "I'm sorry," she says with a quick shake of her head. "I didn't... There was no warning- I wanted to let you know, but she showed up..." She sighs, then gives a rueful chuckle. "Um ... so ... Kin-chan won't be any trouble?"

He never is. With his mother's disposition, and Tsuruya's dedication to ensuring that his upbringing mirrored her own... "Of course not. And an excuse to get out just now is fine, too. Even so ... what do we get by running all the time, huh? Tomorrow, she'll be having lunch with me, and then..." Well, then I'm not actually sure.

It would be fair to say I've become complacent, especially in recent years. This doesn't mean I can't deal with the unexpected, though. Like water, I will simply follow the path of least resistance, down to the roots of the problem.

Tsuruya gives me a sympathetic nod.

"Did she say what brought her by, by any chance?" I ask. It's not exactly something we speak of ... but I had been under the impression that Haruhi was upset with Tsuruya. They'd been friends in high school, but Asahina-san's disappearance changed that. Haruhi believed that Tsuruya _had_ to know where Asahina-san went and just wouldn't tell her-

After all, they'd taken the admission exam for Kyoudai together. Then again ... we've seen how well _that_ translates into actually keeping tabs on one-another, haven't we? Add in my track record on being wrong about Haruhi, especially today... What do I know?

"She said she's having some trouble with her parents," Tsuruya says with a shrug. "I don't know why... At our age, well..."

She shifts her feet slightly, her hands still nervously together.

"Do you think ... she found Mikuru-chan?" she asks very softly.

I give an apologetic shake of my head. "I believe she would have said so, if she had. Anyway, I'll take care of Kin-chan for tonight, and walk him to school in the morning."

"Thankie," she agrees, giggling and ducking her head slightly. "I will find a way to make this up to you, Kyon-kun."

I give her a slight shake of my own head in return. "Let's not talk about debts between us," I say. She moves her hands apart and shifts one foot as though to close the tiny amount of distance between us, but instead just reaches out with one hand, pinching the fabric of my shirt sleeve.

"There's no obligation, only gratitude," she chides after a moment, sliding her fingers down to the cuff, near my wrist. "Now ... I'll speak with Haruhi."

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then, when I come by to pick her up." Considering that Haruhi's here, we leave it at that. She releases my cuff and goes back to the rear entrance. I'm wearing outdoor shoes, not sandals, so I walk around to the front, giving my stinging shoulder one last rub.

* * *

After gathering Kintaro's supplies - clothes, homework, the book he's reading - the two of us walk back to my place. Kintaro, much like his mother, is curious, energetic, and very sharp. We're barely a block away from the estate before he stops talking about his verse to drop his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Uncle, Suzumiya-san is one of your really good friends, isn't she?"

"How did you get that, kiddo?" I ask, staring down at the boy with a smile. Might as well enjoy it while I can; he's probably going to end up being a little taller than me.

"Um..." He looks thoughtful, and a tiny bit mischievous. After eleven years, I know that look... Not that I get a lot of chances to remind him not to be prideful. He's usually right when he thinks he's being clever. "Uncle only lets a few people call him 'Kyon.' Auntie and Mother, and Auntie says Uncle's parents, too. So, Suzumiya-san must be a good friend; not even Nagato-san calls you that nickname."

That's for different reasons, but ultimately, he's not far off the mark. "Well, you're right that I knew her from a long time ago. Suzumiya-san and I went to school together with Nagato."

Kintaro blinks at this, his smile improbably widening. "She seems nice!" he declares. "Auntie will really like her!"

He's more right on that one than he knows.

"Why don't I remember you or Mother speaking with her before, though?"

Maybe he's too sharp... Then again, he's also very well behaved. "Honestly, I don't know if I can explain that, yet."

Kintaro snickers, then jibes, "Suzumiya-san is a new boulder in your sand arrangement, isn't she?"

The perils of raising a child on poetry and symbolism. Well, two can play at that game.

Not crossly - never that - I intone, "Manyoushuu - number two hundred eight."

He's slightly taken aback by that and glances at the book he's carrying. He spends a moment thinking about it. Tsuruya's memory tricks, probably - I never learned those ... different methods, I suppose, but this is another one of those areas where I know Kintaro will eventually surpass me.

We're nearly home before he remembers and flawlessly recites:

"The mountains in autumn.  
"Fallen leaves in excess,  
"Looking for my lost beloved,  
"I cannot find the path."

He looks confused, and only then do I realize my poor choice... Of the hundreds of poems I've memorized, I picked that one.

"Is that it, then?" he asks me sidelong, not really sure what the deeper meaning might be.

"A change of subject, is all," I tell him, which is not entirely true. "But excellent work, Kintaro. You do your family proud." That part is entirely true. "Now, go ahead and say hello to Nagato - but let me tell her that Suzumiya-san is in town."

He accepts that, nodding. Sometimes I wonder what goes through his head. I have a hard time imagining many children with such a philosophical insight. Though, he isn't lacking in his sciences, either. His grasp of language is absolutely unreasonable, though - even Tsuruya admitted that she wasn't able to follow as much in the way of poetry at his age.

Bouncing on his heels, he spares only a glance for the gray sky before dashing to the doorway of Nagato's shop. I stop, surveying the street. When it's still, and there aren't many people... Sometimes, I still get the sense that Kimidori Emiri, or Asakura Ryouko - or worse, Suou Kuyou - might whisk me off to some strange space...

Things like that seemed to happen too often in high school. After Haruhi went off for college, well ... not so much.

After I ran away, twice - and both of those events very long ago.

Even if Haruhi is back, no moment of otherworldly abduction comes.

* * *

Nagato's shop is a bookstore, though she gets probably five customers a day. Actually, that could be a generous estimate. A best guess on my part that was slightly off ... but close enough. I guess that can be considered a success.

There was a time when she actually took pains to sort the inventory just like any other bookstore in town. These days, all of her actual business is on the internet, and the books are a sideline she maintains because it is convenient to have access to them. Her real work is recommendations.

I would not have considered that a viable field of work, personally - but I say this acknowledging that I have published books of poetry. Well, being more honest ... Nagato has published books of my poetry. I probably don't do her job justice to describe it the way I do. Through an interesting mixture of mathematics and her own personal judgment, Nagato is able to suggest how a book can be changed in some subtle way to get more sales.

I'm not clear on what these subtle changes are, entirely... Changing some character's name, shuffling a few minor plot elements around... Whatever magic it is she does, it works, though, and those titles sell better.

Personally, I can't abide those books. It bothers me on a vague level that it works out that way, but I always feel that afterwards, I've read the worst, most generic, pandering piece of drivel ever. When I finally gathered the courage to ask her about it - since I thought she was capable of far better - she gave me the most amused look I've probably ever seen from her and explained that she only offered people solutions to improve sales, not quality.

I liked that bit, though... Probably about a dozen different haiku on that theme are bouncing around my notebooks, but I haven't found one that I like enough to let her try to publish.

And then, naturally, I tried not to think about what it meant that she never offered suggestions on what I wrote.

My job is getting my hands dirty - literally. Pruning, landscaping, maintaining the koi ponds... Work is work, so I recognize that what she does is valid, even if I can't exactly understand how it gets done.

This leads to the fact that while the bottom floor of her building is ostensibly a bookstore, the volumes are sorted as Nagato likes. Aside from herself, who understands it best, I can decipher some sense of the layout - meaning, if it's there, eventually I can find it. Kintaro is right behind me, rarely having difficulty finding things, either.

Some part of that boy is just good at figuring out patterns, I guess.

I enter the store, glancing at the somewhat irregular lines of bookshelves. Short enough that Nagato can see over them from her work area, arrayed in lines radiating out from her desk. There's a register there, but it's clearly secondary to the laptop she does her work on. The lighting is always bright, so everything is illuminated, and the place is always clean, always quiet.

At the moment, she's seated behind her desk, giving Kintaro the same look of grave contemplation that she always regards him with as he tries to stump her at classical poetry. A futile attempt, that, but you have to admire his willingness to try. It's a piece by Mansei Sami - from the same volume I quizzed him on earlier.

He laughs when she finishes reciting it, then bounces on his tiptoes. "Nagato-san, is Uncle cooking tonight? Or are we having curry?" he asks. That total lack of tact reminds me that he is just eleven, though without a doubt, more charming than my sister at the same age.

Nagato considers this for a moment. Finally, she turns to me, deferring the decision with, "Uncertain."

During the winter, with less legitimate work at the Tsuruya estate, I usually spend some time helping Nagato out. She doesn't really need my help anymore, but she never complains. "Well, Kiddo ... udon tonight. Soup's good on a winter day." It also gives me a few hours to shop, prepare the broth, and generally try and get over my Haruhi-induced shock.

"Homework," Nagato remarks, turning her attention back to her laptop.

"You heard her," I chide Kintaro when he pouts. "Keep Nagato company for a bit while you work, alright? I've go to do some shopping for dinner." He obediently moves behind the counter, taking a seat at the register past Nagato and setting his backpack on the elevated surface. Turning to her, I ask, "Did you need anything?"

Already tapping away at her next project, she answers, "No."

I hesitate a moment, but leave before she can react.

I'm sure she notices anyway.

* * *

Free to lose myself in the comforting sameness of everyday shopping, I walk the few blocks over to the market district to collect what's needed for dinner. Walking around and perusing vegetables, it occurs to me that I'm still in a mild sort of shock.

I mean, my plan was to run away. I hadn't forgotten, but then, neither had I planned to reunite with Haruhi. My sister brings me the occasional letter that gets sent to my parents' home, reminding me of a high school reunion, but I'd quite intentionally ignored those. I guessed Nagato ignored hers, too, if she got any. Tsuruya invited me with her, once, but I passed on that, as well. It probably wouldn't have mattered, given that Haruhi and Tsuruya were different years, but I'd just as soon not run into Kimidori, either.

Within all that, I'd just gotten used to the way things were. I still thought about her, but that was never enough to prepare me for the reality of it.

I spend a few minutes trying to catch my breath - sort this all out in my head. Probably I look like I'm obsessed with finding the world's most perfect daikon before I give up on the shopping excuse. I find a bench outside and sit down, just trying to clear my head of thoughts and breathe.

In, out. A deep inhalation, let the stress and disorder pool in my lungs, and exhale slowly, releasing the disharmony.

The people around me spare only a glance for just another tired thirty-something, catching his breath on a park bench.

I don't think I'll find it, but even there, shaken, uncertain, and unable to guess what will happen next, I reach my muse:

Aimless loops and whorls,  
People going through their lives,  
Drifting, unguided.

Not my best. It's still enough, though. That clears my state of mind and allows me to actually shop. Long routine allows me to exchange pleasantries with the area clerks that recognize me, and a few other familiar shoppers preparing for their own meals.

* * *

When I return home, Nagato's closed up the shop, so I go up the stairs on the side of the building to the second floor - the apartments.

The light in my window is on, and the door is unlocked when I reach it. Kintaro is sitting at the kotatsu with Nagato, petting Shamisen. All three look up as I enter, Kintaro looking mildly annoyed, Nagato with her typical expression, save mild hints of concern.

"You know us old people," I tell Kintaro, before he can complain. "We move slower in winter."

"If you moved faster, you'd stay warmer!" he counters, smirking.

"That sounds suspiciously like effort. Here, I got you a taiyaki from the market," I tell him, picking one of the pastries from the top of the bag and showing it to him. "Wash up and you can have a snack before dinner - if you're done with your homework, you can turn on the television."

"Sweet!" he chirps, wriggling out from under the table and dashing off to the washroom. Nagato looks amused as I put the treat back in the bag, then pull out another.

"I got you one, too."

She rises from the table before accepting it, then follows me into the kitchen. After I put down the groceries I study her for a moment, and she tilts her head slightly, studying me in return.

"Try a bite," I suggest.

She blinks, looking down at the treat curiously. She timidly takes a bite from the fish-shaped pastry, then blinks again. After considering the taste she remarks, "Chocolate."

From when I first met her, Nagato hasn't changed a whole lot physically. She gained maybe three centimeters in height, and her features sharpened very slightly, but that's about it. The only real striking difference is that her hair has grown longer, just past her shoulders.

Of course, that's just physically.

I don't really know how encountering Haruhi might affect Nagato at this point. I hadn't really considered the possibility of animosity between them, but judging by Haruhi's reaction earlier, I'm not doing anyone favors by ignoring it. I try and compose myself, hoping to set a mood, and maybe reassure Nagato.

While I'm contemplating, Kintaro eagerly trots into the room for his pastry, then describes a quick figure eight around us before retreating into the living room.

Taking another nibble of her taiyaki, she gives me a cool blink, her lips very slightly quirked in her usual tiny smile, though her eyes are mildly curious. She may not be as aware as she once was, but she's still razor sharp; she knows that something's bothering me.

I try anyway:

"Against winter's chill  
"I am protected by these:  
"Yuki and her koi."

Maybe too many double-meanings at the last. She seems to like it anyway, quietly whispering, "Thank you." She takes another bite of her snack before placing it back in the wrapper and setting it down, giving me an expectant stare.

"Tsuruya-san had an unexpected guest today," I start, getting out the dishes for dinner.

She frowns, but moves to the sink to start washing vegetables. "Who?" she asks, her gaze going to the task at hand, away from me.

"It was Suzumiya Haruhi," I say cautiously.

Nagato freezes, one hand halfway to the tap, her brow furrowed in thought. After a long minute of contemplation, she says, "Damn."

I can't help but reflexively glance into the living room. Kintaro is too absorbed by his show to notice. "I invited her over for lunch tomorrow, but if it's a problem, I can just take her somewhere else."

Shaking her head slightly, Nagato resumes motion, efficiently washing the vegetables and handing them to me to cut. "If you will be there, then I am prepared," she says in return.

"Are you sure?"

She nods just as slightly. "It seems unlikely you wish to confront her alone."

Aha... Well, then. "Thank you, Nagato."

After dinner, once Kintaro has been put to bed, I lie on my futon and stare at the ceiling. Instead of dreaming, which I would much rather be doing, I replay the events of those long ago years...

* * *

I was going to cheat on the national exam.

This was the plan, as explained to me. Invoking Godwin's Law, I'd call it the Final Solution of appeasing Haruhi - courtesy of Koizumi.

To be clear, I was opposed to this. You'll understand my sincerity on that later. The idea was Koizumi's, or maybe his superiors'. It comes down to this, though. After clearing high school - _barely_ - I traveled all the way to Tokyo, along with thousands of other hopefuls to take the test and get into Toudai.

Toudai was often considered the best college in Japan, and that was where Haruhi wanted to go. So, that's where we tested for admission. The four of us, at least.

No, wait ... step back further a bit. Let me explain more.

Asahina-san had left at the end of her third year - the end of our second. She and Tsuruya had elected to go to Kyoudai, generally considered the second best college in all of Japan.

Ostensibly, at least. I knew where she was really going... She did, too, though neither of us realized when it was actually going to happen. In retrospect, I think both of us had the impression that there would be more time, that something could be said, afterwards ... like there would be some satisfying denouement, where we could exchange tearful goodbyes.

Instead, she had taken a train to Kyoto, eager to test and come back, and then never been seen again.

Naturally, there were no parents to explain where she'd gone. Official investigations went nowhere, and Haruhi couldn't trace Asahina-san's steps through _time_, even if she insisted on following them otherwise. That had caused Haruhi an irritation that was further compounded by my near-failure in the academic realm.

This sounds bad, but follow it up with me taking the national exam ... and failing. Call it what you want, I didn't have the study I needed to get the admission score. Ultimately, there had been too many occasions where I just didn't have the time... Small misadventures here and there ... some bigger ones.

So, a one year ronin. Haruhi made it in. Koizumi, barely. He confessed to me later that he made it by only two points, and that the time he spent dealing with closed space in those days was seriously cutting into his studies. Nagato had no trouble, obviously.

My parents were naturally less than pleased. Cue a full year of attending college preparatory courses - more cram school, pretty much. It wasn't so terrible ... I genuinely had time to study. I hung out, spending what little free time I had with Taniguchi. Other than that, cramming, day in, day out.

Haruhi came by on occasion, but even with the bullet train, it wasn't exactly a quick trip. She'd tell me things about how college was going, and then lecture me about studies. Moreover, it was expensive, and all told, she didn't have that much money, either.

On to national exams, round two. I took the train to Tokyo - with Haruhi, who had no reason to come, other than to encourage me. Koizumi and Nagato were there, as well.

I can say quite honestly, the second time, I failed on my own merit. No excuses of the supernatural delaying my study time, here. I could tell, mid-test. I knew right then I was going to be a second year ronin. I had the English, my history was just not quite sharp enough, and the higher math completely evaded me.

My score ultimately worked out to be some eighty five points short.

Becoming a second year ronin was not an easy transition. Taniguchi had aimed for an easier college, but then, he'd never tried Toudai the first time. It was somewhere off in the west, by Sasebo or Sakajima, I think. He made it in, so my study partner was gone. Haruhi was pissed, of course, but not nearly as much as my parents. They weren't particularly pleased with the idea that I kept on going after Toudai, either.

This meant moving out. Haruhi suggested that I go to Tokyo, that she'd find some place for me to stay and help me get the study I obviously needed.

I couldn't quite commit myself to that, even with no real other options. Eventually, while my parents were insisting that I try for a local college, something my scores would get me into, I wrangled a part-time job at an electronics supply store, doing shipping and receiving. My parents gave me just enough extra to get by, and I studied even harder.

Which brings us to the pivotal moment.

* * *

I didn't often have guests in the crappy one-room apartment I lived in but did not consider home. Aside from Haruhi, Koizumi was probably about the only one. "It's quite simple," he told me, sitting on the other side of the table. "Suzumiya Haruhi expects that you will succeed. Third time's a charm, hmm?"

My crummy furniture was buried under discarded study guides. In fact, both of us were using them as coasters. Not really out of any desire to protect the table, as much as recognition of the fact that there would be no point to moving them aside. "I appreciate that ... but this isn't new. If you're bringing it up again, then there's some deeper significance to the situation, this time?"

"It's like this," Koizumi said slowly. "She expects that you will succeed. She is ... significantly distressed about your previous results."

Thanks for that update. "No, really?"

"We aren't entirely certain how this distress is going to present itself," he said, somewhat crossly. "At this point, it has been some time since there has been a manifestation of her power in this world, outside of closed space. We suspect - and Nagato-san agrees - that there could be ... dire consequences, depending on your test scores."

I surveyed my surroundings. My worn bedding, the stack of dishes on the sink, the ancient CRT television my father gave me as a going-away present. Clothes, untidy piles of necessities... That was really almost it. The most impressive thing I had was my laptop from the old SOS Brigade clubroom, and that didn't even work work unless it was directly connected to power.

"Yeah, that must be bad," I grumbled. "What's your point? What's going to _happen_?"

"If you don't test _well_, then our suspicions are that ... facts themselves may be altered to suit your answers. Naturally, this is undesirable, because..."

He didn't quite say it, but I felt the implication were clear. I dropped my gaze to the latest study guide, almost entirely filled out. "So... What's the plan, then?"

"We haven't managed to get anyone inside to let us replace or falsify your test, which would simplify things," he said, shaking his head. Which meant Nagato's bosses didn't seem inclined to interfere. "So ... the plan is relatively straightforward. We will have a lookalike borrow your identification and take the test for you."

* * *

And then, I wondered, though I didn't ask, what about classes? If I couldn't legitimately get in ... how was I to actually do well? Add in the fact that, even if it did satisfy Haruhi that I got in with her, at two years behind, we had little chance of getting common classes. At that point, I started to question why it would matter.

When she finished classes, I'd still be two years behind.

So, this was the last hope. Someone else would have to make up for my lack, because Haruhi had to get her way. If I took the test and did poorly, the world would end?

I didn't know why I felt that ... maybe it was pride. Maybe it was fatigue. I looked at the options as they presented themselves, and asked myself, what was the winning move?

What little time I had not working or studying was spent reading philosophy books and poetry, because, hey, as an aspiring college student, isn't that what I was supposed to be doing? I came to like some parts of the Taoist ideal, though I felt that I was inwardly too troubled to really follow it. Still, that suggested the most simple outcome...

It wasn't like the decision came to me in a flash. The _idea_ did. But when I first considered it, it wasn't something I was confident I could actually do. At the same time ... it seemed valid. It was _an_ answer.

Haruhi couldn't accept me failing the test. I didn't believe I could honestly pass it.

Koizumi posed one alternative, where my inability was irrelevant, and the next situation would present itself. It required almost no effort on my part.

Or I could do even less. If I didn't _take_ the test, then I couldn't _fail_ it.

I had to remove myself from the equation.

This was actually easier to accomplish than one might have expected. I mean ... I suppose, in some small way, I was hoping that I'd screw it up ... that it wouldn't be the end of my association with the friends I had. Except ... that had already _happened_. Haruhi and the others had spent the better part of two years in Tokyo, while I remained back home in Nishinomiya studying for nothing.

Haruhi came to escort me to the train station... Not in force. This time it was just her. No Nagato, no Koizumi.

And it had been years since we last saw Asahina-san.

I had everything important to me in a bag; what few possessions I had left, anyway. Most of the older things, those childhood relics, were safely enshrined in my parents' home. Not that we really got along that well, what with them thinking I had signed up for a college I might actually pass the test for.

Koizumi had previously assured me that it wouldn't be much of a problem to switch my identification with my supposed double on the way into the test hall. Surely once I got in, all would be forgiven?

It wasn't going to come to that, though.

Haruhi had tickets for the bullet train. We hadn't talked much after she came to meet me at my apartment. She just fidgeted with the exam ticket she had asked to hold for me. I mean ... well, why not, though? I lacked the competence to succeed at the test, so maybe I could lose the pass, too, right?

* * *

While we waited at the platform, she turned to me, the corners of her mouth twisting down with distaste. Over the last three years, while Asahina-san had been gone, Haruhi had grown her hair out ... not as long as it was when she first started high school, but growing pretty steadily.

"Kyon," she began hesitantly, her eyes flicking to me, then away, studying the empty berth where the train would stop. "Um ... so, I've been thinking about this a lot. About when you get into Toudai, I mean - and seriously, it's taken you long enough!"

She stole another annoyed glance at me and I saw it, for a moment. She really _had_ decided that, somehow, I would get a passing result. I knew I couldn't, though. And, really, Koizumi's organization had so little faith in me, I wasn't even going to be given the option to try.

"Yeah," I answered, staring at the boarding schedule. I never was good at lying... Especially to her.

"Well ... y...you're behind in studies, you know, so... Um, listen - it's already decided, I mean. I'm getting an apartment near the college, and..." She moodily glanced up at the glass roof overhead. "We lost Mikuru-chan ... so..." She hesitated again, staring at her feet.

What does it say for me that, she has so much trouble picking her words then? There was a time she'd say anything without a whit of hesitation, just letting out what she thought. But there?

"Uh... Y...you can't have Shamisen at that place you're staying now, right?"

"No ... though it's so small, I think even he would hate it."

"Well," she started, furrowing her brow, "t...the place I'm thinking of allows... Ah..."

On the verge of saying something, she instead stomped on one foot and shifted her shoulders. Her head shook, and she looked upset, annoyed about something.

"We should have enough time to get something to eat before your test," she said instead, changing the subject. "There's a place not far from the campus where they make some great ramen - I think you'll really like it!"

I felt sick and miserable, though when she glanced at me, she took it for pre-test jitters. Why was it that Haruhi was so set on the SOS Brigade banding together? Well, trying to hold together... How could she not recognize that, at the end of the day ... I just didn't have what it took to keep up? There she was, offering to help me out by taking care of my cat when I got into Toudai. Reading between the lines, she probably already paid the pet deposit on her apartment. Just so she could keep me close?

I'd had the expectation for a long while that I wouldn't be able to keep up with Haruhi. I mean, she was super-gifted at everything she does. She has no real comprehension - even though she herself was my primary tutor - how much easier it was for her over me. In absolutely everything. There was no field she didn't excel at, above and beyond my ability, if she set herself on doing it. So, what hope did a mere mortal have of really impressing her? Add in the fact that the one area I knew things she didn't ... I could never tell her about. Let's face it, anyone would feel inadequate in my place, given enough time.

Even so, it was the _manner_ of my inadequacy that managed to stagger me.

I'll confess, the signs were there, but I didn't see it coming. Obviously, for it to be bothering her as much as it had ... she didn't either. So, at the end of the day, I just couldn't make the cut. I thought it would be some realization of her power that would be the thing that separated us ... not me running away from the fact that I just wasn't good enough.

And then, no matter how you look at it, even if she tried her hardest... I'd become a charity case. In the best case scenario, I'd be an endearing loser - not genuinely able to participate on the level. Letting that sensation fester for a few years...

Don't get the wrong idea. I didn't have anything against Haruhi. At that point, as long as we'd known each other, she really was trying to be a friend to me. We can thank Asahina-san for that, I suppose. It was just that ... I was _tired_. I couldn't deal with it anymore.

So ... when the train was boarding, I waited until the last moment and slipped back off the car while Haruhi was looking for seats. For a moment, when the doors shut, before it lurched into motion, I was afraid that being herself, she would pull the emergency brake.

But then, you've just listened to me complain about how sorry I was feeling for myself because she's much smarter than I will ever be. She understood well enough. She knew I wasn't lost. She made it to a window, so I saw her for one last moment before the train sped away.

She looked bewildered, angry... Beneath that, she looked determined.

And so ... I ran.

A hard life lesson: We don't always get what we want.

I couldn't think of any other way to get the point across.

Really ... for myself, as much as her.


	3. Chapter 2

Later - Chapter Two

A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

By Brian Randall

Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.

Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.

* * *

I never particularly enjoyed waking up early. When I was in school, that was when I wanted sleep the most. When I was studying, well, trying to keep up with Koizumi's study schedule was pretty taxing, too. I was tired a lot, then.

There was a time I slept as much as I wanted...

Not today, though. I get up early, take a shower, then run water for Kintaro to take a bath. After starting breakfast - and tea - I enter the guest room, where he's staying. Somehow, tossing in his sleep, he's gotten tangled in his blanket and turned to lay sprawled across the futon sideways.

Thankfully he doesn't snore, but I wonder sometimes if I was as difficult to rouse as he seems to be lately. It's a recent habit, but a noticeable one. Soon enough, he's mumbling and blearily stumbles to the washroom to brush his teeth and clean up. On schedule as always, Nagato knocks on the front door once before entering.

She joins us quietly, her newspaper folded carefully into a tiny square and laid flat on the table as she accepts tea and toast. The three of us eat breakfast, Kintaro slowly waking up as he finishes his second glass of milk. After that's done, still on schedule, she exits to go downstairs - to her work - and I leave with Kintaro to walk him to school.

After that, I detour through the market district to gather the daily supplies.

I check back in with Nagato after dropping everything off, then spend a few hours sending back the books she's done with and processing the newly arrived packages. More simple patterns to try and distract myself from what's coming. Nagato can tell too, so takes a break before I leave for work - we sit together in the small back area where I handle the boxes, and she pours me some tea.

I remember the first time she made me tea, a very long time ago now, and how I wondered what it meant... Now, there's no need to wonder. She doesn't care to cook much - to be honest, when it comes to domestic matters she's actually quite lazy - but she does enjoy tea. For me, a break before heading to the Tsuruya estate, followed by ... well, a walk back home for lunch. With Haruhi and Nagato.

Yes, this is a good time to enjoy my break.

After I finish my first cup of tea, she pours another, then sends a silent, questioning gaze towards me.

There's not really much to talk about, though the tea is nice. While I'm contemplating finishing the second cup, she offers, "I will prepare lunch."

"I appreciate that," I tell her, offering a small smile. "I was thinking of sandwiches, so that's what I bought groceries for." That's probably enough time trying to delay the inevitable. I finish off the rest of my tea and rise, giving her a small bow before leaving.

* * *

Back at the Tsuruya estate, I spend a short amount of time actually doing my job - today, there are a few small branches on the well groomed lawn to pick up; it reminds me of one of Kintaro's earliest haiku:

Rake lies on the lawn,  
Cherry blooms everywhere!  
Uncle drinks his tea.

Set more in spring, when the cherry trees became my personal nightmare and shed a carpet of fallen petals across the lawn. And the hedges, the surface of the koi pond, thanks to winds, the sand garden - much to the complaints of the other staff, the interior of the house...

Branches that fall off in winter storms won't be blooming in coming months, so at least there's that. The ceremonial garden is fine, and the shrine garden is abandoned, so I light a stick of incense as usual before returning to the sand garden.

My streak of luck is broken by animal tracks running across the lines I was admiring only a day ago.

Once again appearing behind me silently, Haruhi asks, "So, how do tanuki prints change the work's meaning?"

When I turn around, I see that Haruhi has changed to a more relaxed outfit, a long skirt and blouse combination in understated earth-tones. Tsuruya is dressed in her traditional kimono at the moment, standing just beside Haruhi and chuckling. "I believe that what happens to a sand garden due to exposure to the elements is just an expression of the primacy of nature," she says. Then she winks and adds, "For a few days, at least! Then it stops being art."

"What is it, then?" Haruhi asks, turning to study Tsuruya curiously.

"A lazy gardener," I answer, shaking my head slightly. "Speaking of which, today I really should tend the bonsai."

"There are more of those?" Haruhi asks, raising her eyebrows and glancing at the set in the sand garden.

"In the greenhouse," I agree.

"Huh, can you keep orchids, too?"

Rolling my eyes, I gesture her to the step. "I'll show you the bonsai, if you like... And I know how to, but we don't have any here," I answer.

"Ah, just as well," Tsuruya agrees, shaking her head apologetically. "I have a meeting I need to take care of..."

"Will I need to pick Kintaro up from school today?" I wonder.

"If it's not too much trouble, I'll have Munemoto-san bring him to your place," Tsuruya decides, nodding.

Well, whatever it is that she's dealing with, I'm just as happy not to participate in that realm. My one brief glimpse of that was nearly my last, as it was. So much the better if I'm also able to provide a sanctuary for Kintaro.

"I'll stop by for dinner and take him home after?" she suggests.

"That sounds fine," I agree.

Haruhi gives a slow blink at this, then shakes her head, hopping down and ignoring the step again. "I suppose I'll see you then, as well, Tsu-chan?" she asks.

Tsuruya nods, adding, "Though, you're welcome to stay here in any case." One of her attendants waits at the entrance to the hallway, and she quickly goes off to deal with the uniformed servant.

"I wonder what it is that she does," Haruhi grumbles very softly, crossing her arms over her chest before turning to look at me expectantly. "I'm sure you know?"

"I make it a solid point not to," I counter, stepping around her and leading the way to the gardening shed.

"Fine, fine," she sighs, following just behind me. "Though, I must say I'm surprised that Tsu-chan has you watch over her son so much..."

I unlatch the shed door and step inside. The clear plastic panels overhead let enough light in to show the worktables and tools. Haruhi steps in behind me and examines everything with the intensity of a crime-scene investigator. I don't really know which part of that statement to respond to, so ignoring the question for the moment I go to the back - the door to the greenhouse.

Opening that door and gesturing her through, I realize that she's changed her hair since yesterday - now it's braided neatly down her back. Her eyes hover on me for a moment before she steps through, raising an eyebrow as she surveys my handiwork. Some of the bonsai I tend have been with the Tsuruya family much longer than I have, so I can't take all of the credit, though.

She strolls slowly down the aisle and examines them very closely, all the same. "I never had the patience for half of the stuff you do," she remarks, smiling at one of my favorite plants - a cherry tree that was started by my predecessor. "So ... where do we even start?"

"You've read my books," I tell her, shrugging ruefully as I start giving the plants their routine inspections. "I don't know what you've been up to nearly as well. I mean ... I did catch your movies, when you were acting."

She looks startled at that for a moment, then grins, shaking her head ruefully. "Yeah ... that was kind of fun," she agrees. "But, hey, let's go out for that lunch, huh? I get the feeling that I'm imposing on Tsu-chan enough as it is..."

I'm hard-pressed to remember a time when Haruhi demonstrated reluctance to impose on others, but then, it's not fair to think she hasn't changed. She has calmed down, at least, and stopped cursing at me, which is nice... The bonsai are fine, anyway - conditions haven't changed, though two of them need water. Once that's taken care of, I can leave.

"So, where do you live, these days?" she asks, as I lead her out of the greenhouse. "And where's Yuki?"

"I'm cheap," I inform her dryly. "So, you're coming to my place - and Nagato will be there, since she lives next door to me. Are you going to be warm enough to walk in that?"

She snorts, but detours to pick up a heavier coat, grumbling quietly about the indignity as she pulls it on. "After all this time, you still have to show off how 'sensible' you are," she accuses, stepping through the front gate. "But then, I guess that's probably why Tsu-chan would decide you were a capable caretaker."

"That's mostly it. But you know, I could have said you need a scarf, too."

She snorts again, rolling her eyes. "It's not that cold, compared to Tokyo. So, you've been working for Tsuruya the longest of everyone there, now? How is that?"

"Oh ... her husband replaced a lot of staff when he moved in," I answer, shrugging. "I'm pretty much the only one who made it through that."

"And what happened to _him_, anyway?"

I shake my head in response. "It's really not my place to answer that question. If Tsuruya-san hasn't told you..." I shrug. "But never mind that. I haven't seen him since before I saw you last - how is Koizumi?"

She flinches at that, slightly taken aback, then shakes her head with a grimace, looking away. "Oh, well... He... Ah, let's talk about that later." In silence, she shivers a bit, then elbows me in the ribs. "Why aren't _you_ wearing a coat?" she chides. "Lecturing me when you go without?"

"It's not cold enough to wear a coat while working in the garden." I can't help but smirk at her, wondering what sort of things had happened between Haruhi and her loyal yes-man... Well, it's not like I've been that forthcoming about some details myself.

"Dummy," she sighs, grabbing my arm and leaning into me, startling me. "We're not kids anymore ... we can't run around all day like that, huh? Making me do this ... and now your lover is undoubtedly going to see this and get the wrong idea, setting a hilarious series of wacky hijinks into motion!"

That's impossible.

I'll admit, she's warm, soft, and the mild chill is completely dismissed when she grabs on to me. "Well, this does set a mood," I manage to answer, looking at her sidelong.

This startles her into giving me a quizzical look before she looks away, hiding behind that mask again.

"But I don't have one of those - in answer to your clever probe."

"Oh, hush," she says rather absently, as though my answer doesn't matter, squeezing my arm almost painfully for a moment before relaxing to merely 'inescapable vice.' "Humor me. I'm pretty sure you don't really mind this, huh?"

Do I?

Instead of answering that question, I gesture to Nagato's place with my free hand. "This is where I live, now. Second floor. Nagato owns the building."

The front of the building has long display windows, currently showcasing whatever titles Nagato has seen fit to put up, underlined by a sturdy hedge (shamelessly grown from clippings from the Tsuruya estate, in point of fact). The windows are framed with somewhat faded blue curtains. The second floor windows are mirrored from the street, reflecting the cloudy sky - Nagato's apartment. Above that is the trellis of the rooftop veranda, a nice enough place in spring, especially after the rainy seasons end, but a disaster area at the moment.

At least the climbing vines I started up there are hearty enough to withstand the cold, though they look a bit desolate, considering they've died back for the winter. Or maybe I'm judging myself too harshly, just because Haruhi is looking at it.

"'Northern Nishinomiya Books,'" she reads, glancing at the signs. "Inspired. Her name, I'm guessing?"

I frown at her as best I can, considering she's still clinging to my arm. "Yeah..."

Rounding the corner, the other street-facing side of the building is fronted by a stairway going across the windows, up to the landing where the apartment doors sit, side-by-side. A few heavy planters line the landing (more illicit clippings), housing a hedge that provides a small screen for the porch.

"This is actually pretty charming," she remarks, once we top the stairs and she finally lets go of my arm. "You take care of all the plants here?"

Naturally.

I open the apartment door and step inside. Haruhi follows, looking around eagerly.

The walls are lined with short bookshelves, then stuffed with books. One corner has space for the television, and the beloved kotatsu takes center stage. I love winters for a lot of reasons, but the kotatsu is one of them. I have a few wall scrolls, and she studies them thoughtfully. Most of them are calligraphy, but I do have a reproduction of a Hokusai woodcut, which she spends a longer moment perusing.

Noting the tea set at the table, I guess that she is quietly working in the kitchen, so call, "Nagato? I'm back, and Suzumiya Haruhi is here to visit."

"I know," Nagato answers as she turns the corner from the kitchen into the living room, carrying a tray laden with small sandwiches. She pauses when she makes eye-contact with Haruhi, the two seeing one another for the first time in years... Well, no different from myself yesterday.

"Yuki!" Haruhi exclaims, showing no trace of that brief anger I saw earlier. She hovers over Nagato's shoulder until I take the tray from her and set it at the table - then Haruhi grabs onto the smaller woman and hugs her tightly. "I haven't seen you in so long - you still look so _young_! I'm amazed - what prompted you to stick with this guy?"

"Reliability," Nagato answers without hesitation, blinking.

Well, I learned something new today...

Haruhi breaks the hug and looks at Nagato curiously.

Nagato cocks her head slightly to one side, giving her small smile. "It has been some time," she says, before nodding at the table.

Taking the prompt, Haruhi and I sit at opposite sides, Nagato between us. Haruhi looks uncertain as I pour the tea Nagato already set out. Nagato takes one of the sandwiches and begins eating mechanically, staring straight forward.

"So!" Haruhi remarks, taking a sandwich but not eating it. "Um ... how did you two end up getting together, then?"

Nagato stops chewing mid-bite, then furrows her brow as though seriously considering things. She finally turns a curious gaze to me, requesting clarification.

"Ah ... Nagato and I are friends," I explain. "We aren't, um ... a couple."

"I should have gotten that, but all the same ... you live together?"

"My apartment is next door," Nagato explains, turning to look at Haruhi. "Our balconies adjoin, but living space is separate."

Haruhi starts to frown, but hides it behind a bite of her sandwich. "I shouldn't pry," she allows, after a thoughtful silence. "Um ... I guess primarily, I just want to know - however it works out, you seem happy, right?"

"I am as happy as circumstances permit," Nagato says.

"What's that mean?" Haruhi presses, frowning slightly.

"Nagato's family ... cut her off," I offer. "So, more-or-less, I'm the only family she has left."

The smaller woman turns to face the platter of sandwiches, bowing her head slightly as she takes two more, then refills her tea.

"O...oh," Haruhi says, frowning. "Shoot... I had kind of hoped that meeting would be more cheerful than this. Is it that I am somehow responsible for this unhappiness?"

"No," Nagato answers, blinking into her teacup. "I cannot assign that responsibility to you. However ... unpleasant ... memories are evoked."

Haruhi stares at Nagato for a long minute. "Um ... okay. If there is anything I can do to help, well ... we used to be friends, at least, so, let me know."

The shorter woman nods.

"Thank you for making lunch, Nagato," I remark, changing the subject.

"No problem," she replies.

Following my prompt, surprisingly enough, Haruhi asks, "So, how is your bookstore doing these days? You own the building, so that's your store, right?"

Nagato quietly explains what her job is, and I eat a few of the sandwiches. Nagato's quite capable in the kitchen, when she can be bothered to put effort into it - better than me, no question. Except for the void of Koizumi, and the more familiar absence of Asahina-san, it takes me back a little. Reminds me of what it was like, though I guess another meeting like we used to have back then will never really come to pass...

* * *

After lunch, I tell Nagato I'll take care of cleaning the kitchen, and she nods, telling Haruhi that she's heading downstairs to work, and me that Kintaro can do his homework with her. An easy enough hint to take. Nagato won't really explain her situation, and I'll have to elaborate on our established excuse.

This seems distantly familiar, and I can't help but think that either Haruhi has mellowed, and doesn't mind that I'm doing a poorer job of it, or that the second Nagato is out of sight, I'm going to be bludgeoned with questions.

It's the latter, naturally, though she does hold out until she finishes her tea. "Okay," she says with a sigh. "I'll tell you what happened to me after you ditched me, but you have to tell me how you met up with Yuki and Tsu-chan." She grimaces, shaking her head. "Nagato-san, I guess, now."

"I don't think she minds that," I tell her, shaking my head in return. "You have yourself a deal, though. Let me make a fresh pot of tea, first."

"Yeah, sure," she answers, rummaging in her purse and frowning. "Ah, could you get me a cup of hot water, too? I'm supposed to be taking supplements, now."

I can't help but jibe at her:

"Who needs vitamins?  
"Young and old, small and great, and,  
"Even Haruhi."

She actually blushes very faintly at that for some reason, trying to give me a dark look. "'Great,'" she snorts. "Like _that_ didn't get me into trouble... That was cute, but fetch me my material needs, minion, or I won't share my story with you!"

I confess, that makes me laugh.

I get her what she wants, though.

After taking a handful of vitamins (and to be honest, I recognized almost half of them from the ones that I took - and insisted that Nagato took, too - every morning), and adding some brown powder to her cup of hot water, Haruhi shifts around to find a comfortable position, and doesn't quite meet my eyes. "So ... after you ditched me on the train, I was really pretty super-pissed off. I mean ... I realize in retrospect that I was kind of ... pushy... But that was one hell of an answer to me asking you to move in with me, you know?"

I stare at her for a while, my mouth dropping open slightly.

No clever poems, here.

She stares back at me, then groans and lowers her face to the palm of one hand. "Are you telling me you didn't get that?" she moans.

"It ... makes a certain amount of sense in retrospect," I cough out.

Well. Damn. My inner peace is entirely uprooted.

And here I thought it was Shamisen... There's no way I'm letting her know that now, though.

As if on cue, he rouses from a nap and pads into the room, jumping on the kotatsu, seeming to realize too late that he missed a chance to steal sandwiches. Grumbling, he shoots me a sour look and promptly dives into Haruhi's lap. She stares at him, frowning.

I will, however, gratefully accept the convenient change of subject.

Because of his association with certain data entities, Shamisen doesn't really age much, if at all. I didn't know that was going to happen until my sister happened to remark that he was holding up remarkably well. He didn't seem old after seven years, even though he had to be at least five when I got him?

Suspicious, but not unreasonable. I bribed my sister to steal him for me (and from what she told me, my parents were grateful for that), and then moved him into my apartment. Some months later, bribing Nagato with more chocolate, I hid him in her apartment and mislead my sister into thinking that Shamisen had finally passed away. She was heartbroken, so I didn't really feel great about it, but by the next time she came to visit, she was delighted to find that I'd hunted down an 'almost identical successor.'

"This is Shamisen the third," I introduce him.

Haruhi nods, accepting that, and scratches him behind the ears. "You're a handsome one," she tells him, smiling. He slits one eye open in response. "Oh ... you're really an awful lot like the original ... much more than Koizumi's 'Shami 2.'" The one open eye slits open wider, giving the impression that the cat is raising one eyebrow in skepticism.

She smirks, still absently petting Shamisen, who begins to emit a low, audible purr. "Anyway," she says. "Um ... I guess ... you're really thick-headed, and somehow never figured out that I used to have a crush on you."

I have no idea what to say to that.

"Um ... though ... I guess ... I probably never really made myself clear enough..." She sighs. "Well, just believe that I was pretty broken up about it. Not just because you said 'no,' but because you stopped being my friend - and messed up the brigade, too. When I got back to Tokyo and told Yuki about it, like I said, she just stared at me, shook a little bit, like she was about to have a fit, and then pretended to act normal. As soon as I lost sight of her, though, she ran off and I never saw her again until today!

"Add in the fact that I was, you know ... stuck with a year long lease on an apartment for two... S...so, um ... Koizumi suggested that he help me out. And I was spending time trying to find _you_, and now Yuki ... so I said sure, because that meant more money to take the trains." She shifts her shoulders and stares moodily at the 'harmony' calligraphy - Nagato's work, and knowing her, Haruhi recognizes the same character from our quiet friend's Tanabata wish. "Eventually, money got tight for Koizumi, so, well ... since he was paying half the rent on my place, it kind of only made sense...

"A few months after that, we kind of ... sort of just ... fell into going out, I guess. He stuck with his classes, but I couldn't really focus enough for school that year. Maybe if it had just been you ... or just Yuki ... but both of you, ditching me like that..." She sighs and drinks her hot water, making a face at it before washing the taste away with a mouthful of tea.

She takes a moment to reflect, which I'm personally thankful for. It's a lot to process, but I can see the idea of Koizumi having feelings for Haruhi. I think there must have been hints to that, looking back. If he wasn't trying to push me towards Haruhi, he certainly didn't mind admiring her aloud and at length.

"Actually ... in her case, she was probably trying to protect you. It was stupid, and I regret it now, but I spent an awful lot of time angry at you, wishing something bad would happen to you ... and then feeling bad about it, because we really _did_ used to be better friends than that.

"Anyway, after that, Koizumi and I living together kind of just seemed to be the thing to do, and I started taking classes again. My first quarter back was pretty bad, academically. I mean, I was starting to really like Koizumi, though I think now a lot of it was just kind of sad, because I couldn't bear to give up on the last member of the brigade - the one ... friend who..." Her calm cracks, and she scowls into her teacup, taking another moment to compose herself.

"You know, between you and him, Kyon..." she mumbles dully. "A...anyway, we started dating. He tried to cheer me up. Somehow, he always seemed to have enough money from his part-time job to treat me, though he _never_ told me what he did. That always got on my nerves, but since he was the last one left, I couldn't really bring myself to push him - to risk driving him off, like I did ... you. I tried to just get used to it, but I wanted honesty, and I felt like he was hiding something from me anyway. Still ... I wasn't going to give up on him like that.

"Instead, I was thinking of giving up on college - for a change of pace, and to keep myself from taking things out on him. It was frustrating, though. Once, I remember we were on a date - some stupid Italian restaurant. It was so exclusive, my copy of the menu didn't have prices - typical Koizumi extravagance. He really did try his hardest, but ... oh, that stuff had gotten so boring already..."

She sighs in disgust, peering into the bottom of her teacup as though it were a portal to a distant time. After a minute of silent contemplation she shakes her head sharply, and I refill her cup.

Giving me a quiet murmur of thanks, she nods, sipping before she continues. "We were walking on a different route back from the downtown district than usual, and we passed this bookstore... In the window, I just glanced at it because some employee had put it on display - someone's personal favorite." She turns a smile at me, then points at the bookshelf where I keep a copy of it.

"So, I thought, 'if Kyon's okay, then I can be angry with him, but I have to move on.' I guess ... that wasn't so fair to Koizumi ... but then, I'm getting ahead of myself. He wasn't very happy when he saw it ... I mean ... well, when he saw me grab your book - he wasn't really obvious about it, but I could tell he was jealous - he knew how I felt about you. But then, that's Koizumi for you; he insisted that I let him buy it for me anyway, just because it made me happy. I still have it, too."

"Oh, wow," I answer, still a bit dazed. "I'm in shock."

"What, still? Over me having feelings for you - back then?" she asks, still petting Shamisen, though she quirks one eyebrow higher.

"No, that you read _Withering Vines_," I retort, smiling weakly. "That ... was a loud, angsty vent - the worst thing I've ever written!"

She giggles, grinning widely, then seizes her teacup and raises it in a toast. "Award-winning tripe!" she enthuses. "Oh, I _hated_ that book!"

"Yeah, I'm not sure I'm going to drink to that," I retort. "Now set your cup down so I can actually put tea in it."

She pouts, doing as instructed. "But ... I was really happy, because of what it represented," she counters as I refill her cup again. "It meant that you were alright. That part of it ... I really liked."

Oh... Well, thank you, Haruhi. That's surprisingly kind of you.

"I cared about you a lot, you jerk," she reminds me. "That's why you got cussed out!"

"Sounds fair."

She snorts, shaking her head again. "Anyway, we stuck together through college. He took an internship while I made up the year I was behind, and then he'd arranged to get us jobs together. It was a really solid plan, too... This institution we worked for would build a mathematical engine that would be able to accurately predict the stock market - and probably a lot of other things, if you could just plug in the right data sets.

"In theory, anyway. Koizumi was really convinced that it was going to succeed - told me that if we worked together, we would end up ruling the financial world - or any other field we took the modeling engine into."

I set my teacup down and slowly digest that. I suppose that sounds like something that Haruhi might be able to do - design a mathematical formula somehow flexible enough to be applied to almost any situation. For someone with her intelligence and capability, certainly ... but it does remind me of just what she could really accomplish, if she set her mind to it.

"I read that look," she tells me dryly, studying another wall scroll. "I didn't really buy into it myself ... I mean, the theory was sound, but if it really worked, I couldn't help but think it'd just ruin the stock market altogether. Plus, even if you model the market, people are harder to figure out than that. The other uses for predictive modeling seemed more interesting, to me.

"Corporate policy being what it was, we couldn't do anything with it until we turned a profit with the investors anyway, so we were stuck on what I considered the dullest application of the technology possible. Anyway, Koizumi was really attached to the idea - I thought it was boring as all hell, personally... Just like a lot of things about Koizumi were starting to feel to me. But then ... like I said, he was the last one left, and ... he was trying so hard for me ... had always _been_ trying so hard for me, I guess..."

She shrugs morosely, and I refill her tea again. "Well," she says after a moment of thought. "We were dating, so I kept myself there, even though I wanted to quit so badly - it's only fair that I made some sacrifices for him, too, right? And that's around when I remember your second book coming out - _Sprouting_."

Which means it would have been around the time Tsuruya had her wedding - the very first published copy of that book was a gift to her, after all. I offered it to Nagato, but she elected to keep my handwritten notebooks, instead. "I remember that time," I say, nodding.

Mostly, though, I imagine Koizumi doing his best, trying to satisfy Haruhi. Like he always had, I guess; I had done him no favors by dropping the responsibility I couldn't handle on his shoulders like that, had I? He was better equipped to handle it than I, but if even he fell short...

Seeming to sense my melancholy, Haruhi shifts in her seat slightly and continues, "So ... I wasn't ... being the best at communicating with Koizumi about how I really felt. He was ... actually kind of amazing at figuring out what I couldn't say, but I was getting frustrated all the time and I think ... he could tell, and somehow, internalized it, you know?"

Unfortunately, yes, I know exactly what she's talking about. Still, Koizumi had told me closed space was on the decline long before those days, hadn't he? What had happened?

"W...well, Koizumi... I could tell he was hiding something from me - avoiding me when I got frustrated. He was subtle about it, but I could tell; it was almost like there was a direct link! I'd get frustrated, not say anything to him, and a day or two later, he'd be worn out and exhausted, but insist on trying to do something fun and exciting with me anyway - slowly wearing himself down.

"That ... kind of set a vicious cycle, and that was when I started to wonder if ... Koizumi and I weren't really ... that great of a couple. I wanted to be with him, but I wasn't sure I really wanted it to be that kind of relationship, you know? And for his part, well, he was just... Ah ... I couldn't _leave_ him when he was falling ill all the time, though - especially since it was because he was trying to keep up with me - that'd be unforgivable!"

I think I can see where she's coming from with that, though it sounds unpleasant. Weirdly enough, thinking of those times before Koizumi and I managed to truly grow closer ... well ... I regret wishing ill on him now - especially considering those things seemed to come true. Really, he deserved better.

And ... being honest, didn't Haruhi, too?

Then again, after this long, I shouldn't be letting myself get stunned over these things.

"Well ... I know now that I was mostly just afraid to lose the one last member of the Brigade ... so I tried to keep us together a lot more than I would have otherwise," she sighs. "So ... that started our next argument - our first argument, really and ... the last one, too.

"Koizumi, trying so hard..." She trails off, her voice shaking as she frowns. "He could tell I wanted something else and was staying with him for...

"And ... I don't know," she mumbles, bowing her head as her brow furrows. "I wanted to be angry that he was so calm and collected, always worrying so much more about _me_ than himself... That wasn't ... fair to him, and I felt I just ... couldn't properly return that. Well, I did find a reason to be angry at him, finally.

"He kept running off and vanishing more and more every time I got frustrated... Like when I turned angry, he was running off to someone else! I didn't ... take the thought of that as well as I should have, I'll be honest. I accused him and demanded an explanation, because last member or not, he's always been the one I thought hid the most from me.

"Well ... I don't think that he was really cheating on me, but I know he was keeping something secret from me. He was practically in a panic when I confronted him! Whatever his secrets were, he wouldn't give them up, so we had a nice loud shouting match. He'd never argued against me, before, you know? Though ... really, I did all the yelling, and he just begged me to calm down and... So ... instead of being patient and sticking with him, I blew him off..." Trembling, she gives a sick smile, one hand going to press against her stomach.

I'm not sure what to say to that, but she shakes her head and I offer my handkerchief, which she accepts silently, wiping at her tears.

After a minute, she shifts her shoulders and resumes petting Shamisen. "So ... after that, I gathered everything from the apartment that was mine and ... left. That was the last time we talked, and ... I was upset about him, but I didn't want it to end like that. Ah, but ... that whole situation, watching the last ... friend I had left slip away... I was so frustrated!" She heaves a tiny sigh at that, then pushes her teacup around, though the teapot's empty, so I can't refill it.

Or maybe I can. This is a lot of heavy talk, after all. "How about we break here?" I ask, rising, then motioning her to stay, since Shamisen seems so comfortable in her lap. "I'll be back in a minute or two with some fresh tea."

She nods at that, and I leave, thinking about what she said, trying to ignore the unpleasant memories of my own that are sparked by thinking of that time.

I'm not really in the mindset that I can easily try and figure out what Koizumi was up to, but I can make a few logical guesses based on what Haruhi slipped to me. I can't help but feel for him, doing his best, but having things work out like that. Is there someone else watching over Haruhi now?

I suppose Mori might be around, somewhere, but I have no idea where she might be. It's probably none of my concern.

Really, if the Agency wanted to talk to me, they probably would have found me by now. While preventing the kettle from coming to a boil by staring at it, I make myself consider the idea that yesterday's slow walk was giving them a chance to do just that.

But maybe that's just not an issue, anymore? Maybe Haruhi's settled down enough that it doesn't matter?

She's certainly grown ... while still being recognizable to me as the same person. In a way, that's remarkable...

Or maybe that's all a big load of fertilizer. And maybe I'm still shaken by that confirmation I've spent nearly two decades ignoring - the idea that Suzumiya Haruhi might have had affection for me. Not a 'might' anymore, in retrospect... She absolutely _had_ a crush on me.

That may have been a different high school experience ... and college, absolutely. If I'd known - and known how to respond ... but that's something I've never gotten. She has to know that, by now, though... She's read my poems, my collections of harmless haiku. Before that, a very long time ago, she read my impression of a 'romantic' story.

And maybe I'm thinking about this too hard. The kettle whistles, and I lose myself in the ritual of preparing the tea before I trot back into the front room. Haruhi hesitates before accepting the teacup, then shakes her head. "I have to use your washroom, first," she decides.

While she wanders off to do that, Shamisen pads over and climbs into my lap, giving me a very clear look to inform me that my lap is inferior, and only the fact that Haruhi is gone has brought him to me.

Many times I have thought that I would happily be a cat, living a life like Shamisen's. Shamisen doesn't have to worry about cats that he met in high school coming back into his life... But then, that's probably not really fair. He's in his twenties. Healthy, but any cats he was friends with as a kitten are probably long since passed. I think some part of him is entirely cognizant of that, too.

"Okay," I tell him. "I can see why you would strive for the greatest possible lap variety, all things considered."

"Well," Haruhi remarks, stepping back into the room, "I guess that answers my question on if you ever found someone to settle down with!"

"Huh?" I reply, rather unintelligently, scratching Shamisen behind the ears. He gives Haruhi an apologetic look that explains that he _would_ return to her lap, but he'd just gotten comfortable in mine - her loss.

"Talking to your cat?" she chides, smirking, before shaking her head. "You _live_ with Yuki ... but this doesn't seem like the house a woman lives in, even if she was over making you lunch earlier," she notes, settling back to the table and sipping her tea. "Um ... anyway, as to my story, after that, like I said, I never saw Koizumi again. It was just half a year later later at our high school reunion - when I was hoping to run into you, or him, or Yuki - that I found out he'd actually passed away - about ... um ... three months or so after we'd broken up."

That shakes me more than Haruhi's admission of her crush, but then, thinking about what she just said, and who she is...

Part of me wants to make some cruel jibe about Koizumi playing with fire, but I bite my tongue, just petting Shamisen.

"I didn't know," I say quietly, trying to keep my voice level. "I... How did it happen?"

Surely Haruhi's frustration hadn't built up so much that Koizumi had fallen in some battle in closed space? I can't imagine Haruhi being that frustrated, and there being no other side-effects.

"Some medical issue," she says moodily in answer. "There wasn't a representative at the school or anything like that... No one from his family. They just had a list of students that had passed since graduation. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was glad _your_ name wasn't there, but... Well, his was. Cause listed as 'illness' - so, I've wondered what kind of bitch I was that I had no clue about how bad it really was until after we broke up."

She pauses to grimace, shaking her head. "And how terrible it was that my last thoughts towards him before I found out were angry..." She shrugs, giving me a halfhearted, wry smile. "But then, considering that, and that I pissed off Yuki, too, probably the answer is 'pretty bitchy.'"

"Mind your language," I reprove, struggling to find some levity.

She doesn't look at all surprised at me, just - for a heartbeat - pained, and simultaneously happy, too. Then her mask is back in place and she chuckles, shaking her head again. "You stick-in-the-mud," she accuses.

"I can curse, too," I counter. "I just seldom find cause - and being honest, well, when one is trying to stand in as a father for a child, as with Kintaro..." I shrug, nudging Shamisen out of my lap so I can uncross my ankles. He gives me a knowing, irate look, then burrows under the kotatsu, popping out near Haruhi and climbing back up into her lap.

"You'll have a chance to prove that to me when you tell me your story," she prompts me, lifting Shamisen up and setting him on top of the table before wriggling closer, adjusting the heavy cloth more tightly about herself. Settling in, she picks the cat up again, putting him on the edge of the kotatsu cloth to weigh it down at her side, which he grudgingly accepts once she scratches his chin. "Actually, the tea is nice and all, but come to think of it, are there any sandwiches left?"

"You'll get an orange and you'll like it," I tease... But of course, I get what she asks for. Nagato went a little overboard, but then, maybe she overestimated how well she would handle being around Haruhi. She could have meant to eat more. I set some aside for her later, just in case. Buying myself a minute or two, I actually do peel and section an orange.

I've been putting this off long enough, I guess... How much to tell Haruhi, though?

* * *

When I ran from Haruhi, even though it ended up working out - sort of - I didn't have any plan. And knowing now that Haruhi wished bad things happened to me ... that absolutely came true.

I didn't know what sort of ability she had to find me, and by spending time running away, I could avoid thinking about things. So when I say I ran, I meant exactly that. I literally ran...

Off the train platform, into the city... I had a bag of clothes, a tiny amount of money, and nothing else. So, with that, I entered a state of delirium.

Or madness.

Or maybe it was a dream...

There were very few moments of clarity, here and there, but between them, my time was a mystery. I wanted to run, and I did. I wanted to escape, and that probably happened, too. From the station in Shin-Osaka, the next place I was really aware of being was the harbor.

I was standing by a railing, and tired. My feet hurt, and my mouth was dry... And then I was laying in the grass in a park after sunset, listening to an aged voice mumble on about the recession. And again, I was sensate, but elsewhere - sitting on the ground in an alley, leaning up against a wall and hearing the sound of traffic, the smell of food from a nearby restaurant...

This went on without any real sensation of time passing between my glimpses of reality. As poor as my memories of that time were, I think I was homeless. I know in the jumbled chaos of sensation that flowed between moments of clarity, occasionally I thought I glimpsed Nagato. Sometimes, someone gave me food, or helped me move away from something.

It ended, ultimately, outside the gates of Kyoudai, winter quarter entrance ceremonies. I didn't know about the ceremony, I just saw the planter outside of the main entrance. Normally, it would be immaculately groomed, but, absorbed in the minor details of the world around me, I saw where some student, or maybe just some vandal, had stuffed a bag of trash.

Someone else had tried to take it out, and then given up halfway, leaving shredded plastic and garbage everywhere. I still can't explain my impulses, what it was that prompted me to do it. It wasn't really respect for the institution, because I had no idea where I was.

Some part of whatever was still functioning of my permanent 'escape-state' mind told me that I needed to get that trash out of the hedge. My clothing was a mess, undoubtedly. Whatever I'd been doing before, bathing regularly hadn't been a good part of it. No mistake, I was a vagrant, digging in the trash in a hedge outside of the second most prestigious school in Japan.

A cluster of college students walked past then, chattering about things. I was still mindlessly trying to clean, but for some reason, I also tried to listen - like there was a familiar voice. That was when the police caught up with me. I didn't have the coordination to put up a proper fight, just to protest and fumble at them weakly.

That was enough, though.

"I...is that ... _Kyon_-kun?" one of the college students gasped in shock, motioning the police to stop hauling me away.

Hearing that once-hated nickname shattered some seal on my proper awareness, and reminded me of who I was. I could only stare at her, suspended by my arms in the grips of a pair of policemen, uncertain if I was a menace, or the friend of someone important.

"Tsu...ruya-san?" I asked, startling myself with the rasp that my voice had become.

The worry in her comforting, familiar face turned to dismay. "Oh, Kyon-kun..." She looked up sharply at the policemen, and... She must have said or did something, but I don't know what - I passed out. Or something very like passing out.

* * *

I dreamed then. At least, sometimes I like to think what happened was a dream. Nagato tells me that my mind interpreted events with more easily recognizable symbols, and that's why my memories of the experiences are so unclear. Why I remember the outcome before I remember what led me to it.

I didn't find this out until after the fact, of course, when it was done...

So, in this state that it was easier for me to think of as a dream, I was sitting on the floor in some vague, dark space. The sky overhead was just a murky void, and the surface beneath me was black and smooth, interrupted only by perfectly regular green lines sectioning it into grids, stretching off as far as I could see. Even though there was no clear source of illumination, I could see.

At that moment I was surrounded by all of the female 'interfaces' I had ever known and interacted with. Suou Kuyou stood to one side, looking mildly amused - she had gotten a lot more from Nagato than Nagato had gotten from her, after my friend had almost died trying to allow communication between the two. She still wore her same outfit, but then, looking to the other side, Asakura Ryouko and Kimidori Emiri were wearing their school uniforms, as well.

Standing over me protectively was Nagato, wearing the outfit she had switched to once high school had ended - a green jumper with a blue blouse. After that long, her clothing had become torn and tattered, and was every bit as filthy as my own.

That was my first realization that running away had consequences on people aside from myself. Here, I had wanted nothing more than to escape Haruhi, to flee from that unwanted responsibility... And Nagato had been invisibly standing by my side, trying to deflect the worst of what all those other invisible forces around us might have intended? What other damage had I wrought, unaware of how my roots had intertwined with those around me when I tried to tear myself free?

"You will not harm him," Nagato said resolutely, her eyes surprisingly tired as they moved between the others.

"This being's awareness is no longer suitable for our purposes," Kuyou returned, smiling slightly wider. "Our analysis of its sensory input is complete. Our goals are accomplished. We no longer have any use for it, you, or your memetic constructs." She seemed to turn away and vanish, leaving no trace behind, as I'd seen her do before.

Nagato's gaze turned to the other two.

"There's really no point to killing him, anymore," Asakura said cheerfully, toying with the blade of her knife, eyes fixed on me. "Really, what we had hoped to accomplish, he has already set into motion. Your fixation on him now is a sign of instability; his value does not warrant your attention."

Nagato blinked again, seeming to realize something, but I couldn't imagine what it was. Her eyes went to Kimidori, and I sensed accusation in her gaze.

"We strive for compromise, and your behavior trended towards monopolizing communication channels. Your assignments are over; return with us and be accordingly re-purposed," Kimidori ordered, holding one hand out, palm up.

"No," Nagato refused, her voice unshaking.

"Why not?" Asakura wondered aloud, eyes going to me. "Could it be that killing him has some purpose after all? Would it free you?"

Time froze then, for Nagato and Asakura.

Not for me, though.

And not for Kimidori.

"You have previously refused my offers, but at this juncture, your choices are appropriately limited. Nagato Yuki's potential to remain in existence is questionable." She stared at me, her light green eyes luminous with intellect, but no trace of sympathy. "At present, she is no longer regarded as an asset to the entity. Your own ability to process information presently is questionable, so I will iterate the primary points to you:

"The entity has the goal of preserving Nagato Yuki for later use.

"Nagato Yuki has expressed no clear goal, but behavior indicates that she intends to stay with you, regardless of the risks to herself.

"Asakura Ryouko and her faction wish to serve the entity's goal by destroying you, thus freeing Nagato from her obligations." She paused then to look at me, but I got the feeling that she didn't need the pause, as much as she was letting it sink in for me. "The only form of compromise remaining to you is that Nagato Yuki be removed from previous functionality as an interface."

"How is that a compromise?"

"I am assuming that your goal in this instance is to follow your biological imperative," Kimidori answered. "That is, that you wish to continue living. You would also serve, effectively, as an interface for her with her surroundings and altered conditions."

I stared at her like an idiot... Which I was, really. "Why?" I asked, stupefied. "How can you ask me to make that choice for Nagato?"

"I am not," she clarified. "Nagato Yuki was a colleague of mine, before events reached this point. My goal is to strive for the greatest measure of success between all entities involved. In this case, Asakura Ryouko will be prevented from acting against you once more, as you will return to the auspices of the entity's observation. The entity will be satisfied because Nagato Yuki will no longer be a component of the entity, while still potentially providing the insight that we seek."

"What about Nagato, in all of that?" I asked, as the reality of this conversation begins to set in on me.

"She wishes to remain with you. As a human, she may attempt to do that."

She paused again, for my benefit. Then she blinked slowly and said, "Alternatively, you can reject this compromise. Asakura Ryouko will eventually kill you, attempting to retrieve Nagato Yuki. Nagato Yuki will then be reintegrated into the entity and re-purposed, or destroyed in the attempt.

"This is our final offer."

"I don't know what else I can do," I ultimately answered. I'd run away from Haruhi ... but I couldn't run from Nagato, too. Somehow, Haruhi would survive. I might have given up on a lot of things, but Kimidori was right, too; I didn't want to die. "I feel I have no choice - that this is what I must agree to."

Kimidori smiled then - her real smile. The one that made me think that her and Suou Kuyou didn't belong in our world. The horrible grin that showed what a monster she truly was; shaped like us, but never human.

"We know."


	4. Chapter 3

Later - Chapter Three

A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

By Brian Randall

Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.

Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.

* * *

Clearing my throat at Haruhi's expectant stare, I refill my teacup and explain carefully, "I spent time running away, Haruhi. And not much else. I think I went a little crazy for a while ... to be honest, as a person who writes poems, I don't know that I consider myself an 'artist' - but if there were a 'starving artist' phase of my life that would have been it. You want to know how I met up with Tsuruya-san and Nagato, right?"

"Well, yeah," Haruhi says, frowning. After a moment she takes an orange slice from the platter in the middle of the table and nibbles on it thoughtfully. "You mean, Yuki didn't find you right away?"

"It turns out that I caused Nagato quite some problems with her family," I say, which is truthful in many senses.

She nods at me in return, giving me a sad smile. "I remember she always went to you with her family problems," she agrees. "Unless I miss my guess, Yuki's family isn't very tolerant... Is that right? You already mentioned they cut her off."

That doesn't sound unreasonable. "Absolutely correct," I agree. "I've never met her family directly, except for some distant relations who happened to be nearby. All the same, I'm just as happy not seeing them anymore, and so is Nagato."

She looks somewhat more satisfied with herself for reaching an accurate conclusion, but also unhappy for Nagato. "Well ... that explains a bit."

"Ah ... so, I was running away and generally causing troubles for people. During that time, since you let her know I was in trouble, Nagato was doing her best to watch out for me. Her family didn't really see the point of her spending that kind of time away from her studies, so... Well, ultimately what happened between her and her family was my fault."

"How could that be?" Haruhi asks me, somewhat doubtfully. "Your fault?"

"If I'd been more responsible and thoughtful about how I handled things, well..." I shrug. "But those choices have already been made and taken root. Really, that was what returned me to sanity, more than anything else... One day, I was senselessly causing trouble, like I always did at that time, and Nagato wanted to help me - but didn't know how.

"That was near Kyoudai. Tsuruya-san wanted to know what was happening with the pair of us, since..." I leave it at that and shrug, uncertain of how Tsuruya and Haruhi patched up their differences. "Anyway, as a sort of formal 'goodbye,' Nagato's family gave her this property and left her on her own, but she hadn't learned how to manage it, yet.

"Tsuruya-san spotted the pair of us and helped slap some sense into me - though she got the idea I wanted to learn about plants..." I shrug at that, refilling Haruhi's tea yet again... I suppose she must be very thirsty. "Anyway. Having failed at getting into college, I agreed to her offer to work at her estate as an assistant gardener for the venerable Hakase-sensei."

"Your teacher, I'm guessing?" Haruhi asks, shaking her head.

"Yeah... Now, what's that look for?"

Haruhi's curious frown deepens to a look of intent concentration. "You know, that's really a load of crap," she warns me. "I know now that I was asking for too much - but that doesn't actually change the facts! Do you know what the admission rate for Toudai is?"

"Koizumi told me something about that," I acknowledge. He was the one coming down to give me updated study guides and reminders about admission guidelines when Haruhi wasn't able to come, after all. And considering he had access to more money, that ended up being more often than her, too. I try and ignore the strange void when I think back to Koizumi and realize more than just being back there in the past, he's actually _gone_...

"Something like, ten percent of students who go to Toudai fail their first exam?" I hazard. That seemed right. I tried not to obsess about it, but as much as Koizumi reminded me, that tidbit stuck.

"What? No, much higher than that!" she protests, looking at me with a frown. "A _lot_ of people don't get in their first year - and most of them never have the courage to retry!"

"I suppose... Well, numbers aren't my strong suit." Glancing at the clock, I add, "That's why Kin-chan's downstairs going over his homework with Nagato, instead of me."

"So ... your first year, you were four hundred and twelve points short of admission," Haruhi notes.

Why do we have to go over this again? I suppose it's my due, having upset her... It doesn't make it fun, though. "And the second year, I was eighty six short. What are you getting at?"

"That was an improvement of over three hundred points!" she protests. "You only needed to bring your score up another ninety or so, and then..." She sighs, staring into her teacup. "It probably seems to you that I can't let go of that ... but more it's that I can't believe you really thought you were going to fail."

She looks me in the eyes then, and I can see that she's still conflicted about this internally - there's something more, somehow, unvoiced. Her gaze flicking away, she explains, her voice slightly thick, "I can accept that you didn't want to go to Toudai ... but never that you weren't good enough."

Hadn't we been over this, though?

Well... According to what Koizumi told me, she's right; if I had taken the test, one way or another, I would have passed.

"I'm not sure how to answer that," I tell her truthfully.

"I just..." She hesitates. "I thought your first book was ... well, what you called it - depressing. It was full of sad things, all about things that had gotten lost..."

"Yeah," I agree, frowning. "Um ... that was working out ... what happened to me while I was running. While I was in training."

"Training? Like, at a private academy?" she asks, surprised.

"Sort of," I agree. "I actually do have a certification - it was a kind of apprenticeship, too. Um ... at Hakase-sensei's suggestion, Tsuruya-san had me go to Kurama-dera - so instead of anything like a standard admissions test, I just took a referral from him. I stayed at the temple there for two weeks at a time, learning _Sakuteiki_ and other ancient books - all about the history and culture of garden maintenance. After that, I'd come back and spend one week with Hakase-sensei studying the practical applications."

Haruhi gasps in subdued delight. "Kyon - you've worked the landscaping of a national treasure? That's amazing!"

"And you've starred in movies," I counter. "No one will remember a gardener who trained in a mountain temple for a handful of months, hardly - not compared to how many people will remember 'Jade Pearl' as played by Suzumiya Haruhi."

She giggles, though the amusement in her eyes fades...

"That's it, though?" she asks, tilting her head to one side. "How did publishing your books come into the picture?"

"Ah ... well, actually, that's an interesting story," I acknowledge. "Wanting to help, Tsuruya-san found a retired bookstore owner who was familiar with the business to show Nagato the ropes. Nanase-san was more than just a retired bookstore owner, though; she was an editor as well... So Nagato and Nanase-san became friends, and Nanase-san suggested that Nagato might enjoy editing and publishing more than managing a bookstore.

"After that, Nagato was only challenged by a lack of content to edit, so she turned to me. I had started writing haiku during my training at Kurama-dera, and it was either that, or trying to make some kind of official published study guide out of my notes. If I'd known when I began that it would be published, I never would have started out with those first poems."

"I see," Haruhi remarks, giving me a strange look. "I guess that makes sense... And really, that's even better, because it means things started to get better for you even before I saw _Withering Vines_... I have to ask a question of you, Kyon. I've been trying to figure this out but - you're still... You and Yuki are really only just friends?"

I can't help but wonder if she's comparing Nagato and I living together with her and Koizumi. Does she think maybe that she did something wrong by ending up dating him?

Or maybe that I did, by not dating Nagato?

"Losing her family left Nagato very alone," I say carefully, thinking about how difficult things were for her back then. There's a knock at the door before I can continue, so I shake my head, dismissing my explanation for a moment.

I am expecting Kintaro, so the presence of my sister surprises me for a moment. She grins up at me and bustles in without waiting to be invited, already eagerly launching into one of her energetic rants. "So! Kin-chan's downstairs with Yuki-nee, and you're all up here by yourself-" Her tirade cuts off with an astounded squeak as she sees Haruhi, her eyes wide and round with wonder.

"At any rate," I tell Haruhi, smiling, "if you want an answer, in all honesty I do care for Nagato a lot - I love her like the sister I never had."

"Hey!" my sibling protests, launching a teasing jab at my side. "I _am_ your sister, you jerk!"

"I know, but wouldn't it have been great if it could have been Nagato, instead?"

Haruhi can't help but giggle, staring at my sister and recognizing her. Well...

She _has_ grown. From when she and Haruhi first met, my sister has gained at least fifteen centimeters in height, though this still leaves her shorter than Nagato by a bit. Her hair is longer and she dresses like an adult, but I couldn't ever gauge how attractive she was - also like Nagato, I don't really think of her that way.

"Alright, Kyon - get your butt in the kitchen and let me meet your new friend!"

As a mother of two of her own boys, my sister's skill at getting what she wants from males has expanded from 'unreasonable' to 'near-Haruhi.' I am not immune, and grudgingly agree to occupy myself with washing the vegetables while they chat. I turn the water down, curious as to what they're talking about, and only then do I realize that my sister didn't actually recognize Haruhi.

"So, Nee-chan," my sister says quickly, "let me tell you a few things about my brother, okay?"

"Sure," Haruhi replies, amused. "What should I know?"

Well, I agree with Haruhi's sentiment on this one; it _should_ be amusing.

"He's a good family man - responsible, and great with children! He watches over my Ryudo and Kenichi all the time! And what he's telling you about Yuki-nee is true, too - he's been friends with her since high school. So don't think that she'd be a threat for you - think of her as an extra future sister-in-law! I think you and Kyon will make a great match! And believe it or not, he's won awards for the poems he writes- But tell me! Tell me! How did you meet him? I want to know everything about the girl that my brother likes enough to ask over for dinner with his family!"

Typical little sister.

"Well," Haruhi drawls slowly, "I actually met him a long time ago... It just so happened that I sat behind him in class - in high school - and-"

My sister's shocked squeal of joy would have been heard even without trying. "_Haru-nee_!" she cries. I can imagine her practically kicking my kotatsu to one side as she tries to tackle Haruhi in a hug. "Oh, it's been so long- Do you know where Mikuru-nee is?"

"I wish I did..."

Ah, there's still that.

* * *

After finishing the initial preparations for dinner - getting out the pots and pans, washing the vegetables, and all of the other minor details, I go back to the front room, where Haruhi and my sister are still talking. Seeing an opportunity, I remark that both of them are more skilled in the kitchen than I am - at least, assuming Haruhi's skills haven't degraded. Otherwise, my sister can manage a kitchen on her own with one hand tied behind her back.

"Well, that's fine with me," Haruhi remarks immediately. "I've just been a guest for Tsu-chan and Kyon, so getting to do something to help out will be fun!"

"In that case, I hate to be a poor host," I apologize, "but I've been making Nagato watch over Kintaro alone - I really should check in on him."

"That's fine!" my sister chirps. "Haru-nee and I have so much to catch up on!" As I step out the door, I hear my sister ask, "So, Haru-nee - do you have any children?"

"What?" Haruhi yelps, sounding horrified before the door clicks shut and I can't hear anymore.

I take a moment to enjoy the cool air, surveying the dimming horizon as the sun descends in the west, behind the skyline. It's gotten colder, though, and I'm still not wearing a coat, so I don't lurk for long, as amusing as it might be to try and eavesdrop on Haruhi. Come to think of it ... Haruhi and my sister had been fairly close at one point. How was it that they didn't stay in touch?

Was it my sister, avoiding Haruhi because I wouldn't speak of it once we started talking again? Or Haruhi, avoiding my family because I ran away from her? She said she had spent time looking for me - and Nagato. Had she talked to my parents at some point, while I was lost? I suppose she must have...

Of course, my parents wouldn't have known where I was, then, and by the time I hesitantly contacted my sister, she was already in her own senior year of high school... Like me, she never went to college, but I don't know that she ever wanted to. She met someone in high school while she was in middle school, and astoundingly enough, with relatively little drama, they dated until he finished college - and then they married.

But I can't think about that now - and I can't think about more discussions with Haruhi at the moment, either.

I'm nearly shivering before I realize I'm still standing at the top of the stairs, watching the sky grow dark. That's me, I guess ... just avoiding the inevitable as long as possible.

A youth runs away.  
The problem is deferred, but:  
Nothing is solved.

That's probably going to be a popular one, if I publish it - I can tell because I hate it already.

I trot down the stairs to Nagato's shop and open the door. The bell jingles loudly, and Kintaro and Nagato look up from behind the counter as I enter.

"Hi, Uncle!" Kintaro calls, waving at me as he hops to his feet. "Is it time for dinner?"

"Auntie and Suzumiya-san are cooking," I answer. "But if you're done, you can go upstairs and wash up."

"Okay, can I watch some television? I want to see what's happening on _Trope-Tan Next_!"

I'm pretty sure he already has that series in boxed sets at home... "Hmm. Well, you can watch _one_ episode, but Nagato and I will be up soon."

"Okay!" he cheers, grabbing his backpack and streaking out the door, yelping at the blast of cold air. I watch until he vanishes at the top of the stairway, and a telltale splash of escaping light reveals that my apartment door has opened.

Nagato taps a few keys on her laptop, then closes it before rising.

"Nagato," I start, before she can move towards the light switches.

She turns to look at me inquisitively.

"Um... Maybe it's all just me, and I'm thinking about everything too hard... But these years- Have you been happy?"

After blinking a few times, she lowers her gaze to her closed laptop. "That is the wrong question," she replies.

"That may be so..."

She shifts on her feet, and I can see her thinking about things. "You are not asking to determine my own happiness, but to gauge your own self-worth." After a pause, she adds, "This does not seem fair to either of us."

"You're almost certainly right," I sigh.

"However," Nagato says, even more softly. "Underlying that, you are seeking reassurance because recent events have disturbed your calm. I am sympathetic to you." Raising her gaze and meeting my eyes, she concludes, "But as long as you are here ... I am happy."

I nod at that.

There's no reason to push Nagato any further; expressing herself did not become much easier as she became more human. I understand that the entity tried not to change her outward personality much, now. Then again, that was because they wanted to see how she would handle it, not out of any desire to preserve the parts of her I knew.

* * *

After receiving Kimidori's ultimatum, I was treated to another awakening, though this time it was in a hospital. None of the convenience of my last hospitalization, though, where I waited one night and was released.

It was five days before they pronounced me fit enough to leave - though I was only genuinely suffering from malnutrition. During that time, Nagato did not leave my side once, except when Tsuruya pulled her away to bathe and eat. I'll admit ... considering what I'd been through, and knowing what she'd done for me, I wasn't entirely sure what to do.

When I was released from the hospital in Kyoto, Tsuruya immediately settled the bill and took us into her care.

More debts I didn't think I could ever pay back...

It had fallen to me to determine what Nagato would need in her new life, and I had guessed she wanted a bookstore. The entity had therefore provided Nagato a building, some initial funding, and the proper paperwork to get started.

We spent a month trying to get things in order in the bookstore. I still remembered how to handle shipping and receiving from my part-time job - but handling the entire inventory of a bookstore was an ordeal. Tsuruya came by to visit with Nanase-san, who helped show Nagato along... Though, that worked out in a way I hadn't expected.

That wouldn't be telling the whole story, though.

From my perspective, I had somehow lost about eight months of time. It had been just over a week since I chosen to run from Haruhi - and then, there I was, waking up in a hospital with Nagato hovering at my side, more uncertain and vulnerable than I'd ever seen her before.

One thing that Nagato had managed to explain to me, through all of that, was that when she was an interface, she was directly connected to the entity. Long and short of it, that connection meant that she was able to commune with the entity at will, and had been used to that connection her entire existence. Severing it had effectively left her in a world of silence.

In other words, with only her own thoughts in her head, she became very lonely.

I didn't understand entirely what it meant that she wanted to be 'with me.' What did that entail?

I found out the first night we moved into the apartments.

Nagato and I stood side-by-side on the porch, staring at our respective doors. Inside were the futon and blankets that we had picked up that day. That was our newly fabricated sanctuary, and the first chance I'd had in a long while to call a place 'home.' I knew I should have had the motive strength to open the door...

Maybe it was that I was still malnourished. A full day of shifting bookshelves and boxes of books around downstairs had worn me down. Why wouldn't she be tired, too?

At that time, she hadn't spent much time away from me since I had recovered - no more than an hour or two. She was probably exhausted, being more human, but trying to keep herself running...

I turned to her, trying to force something like a smile. It was pointless trying to spend all my time guessing. I could just _ask_.

"Tired, Nagato?"

"Yes," she answered, her expression faintly apprehensive. Whatever else she was enduring, her emotions were more visible than ever - and I could tell she was scared by that. It was a little scary for me, too, knowing that she was a fragile human like me, not the invulnerable being she had been.

That didn't sound right.

She was still the same person, but she'd lost her superhuman capabilities. And ... in some way ... according to Kimidori, she was dependent on me. So I had to watch out for her, like she used to watch out for me.

"If there's anything I can do to help you, you'll let me know, right?"

She didn't meet my eyes, and she looked troubled, uncertain of what to say. "I ... want ... to stay with you tonight," she forced out, her face heating up.

It did not take a genius to see what I though she was asking for. But then, as my track record demonstrated, this was something I consistently got wrong.

I realized that the door to my apartment was open - that I had opened it. Shortly after that I realized we'd gone through the desolate, empty living room, and to my bedroom, which at that point contained an untidy pile of new clothes, and the futon. Whatever else I thought, neither of us had the strength to do much.

We both collapsed onto the futon, and I had the wherewithal to drag the heavy blanket across us before my awareness faded.

Which was just as well.

* * *

Of course, at that time, I wasn't staying with Nagato every day, as I was still being trained in the arts of garden maintainance. That was when I first was sent off to the temple to train.

Kurama-dera was an ancient, well-established temple, not just some remote shrine. And I wouldn't lie - Hakase-sensei's suggestion that a troubled young man who was running from his own life should go to a temple was a brilliant one. Or maybe it was Tsuruya who thought that a quiet place would be good for me.

Not that I want to give the wrong impression of the area; it was very quiet at night, and through the early day. In the afternoon and early evening, the site was flooded with tourists. I suppose that's just a problem with any large temple ... I saw more of the people who came by just to pray or seek a moment of quiet and peace in the early mornings.

I learned a lot of the history of the mountain and the temple, and once was inadvertently mistaken for a shugendo, and asked to perform reiki. My knowledge was only sufficient enough to point out the site where the supposed healing art was established, but I was allowed to witness a fascinating ritual once the actual holy man arrived.

Mostly, it gave me structure, which at that time, I badly needed.

Every morning, I would wake up early with the other apprentices. And by 'early' I mean 'before the sun rose.' We actually shared dormitories with the novice monks. The monks were friendly enough, but also in a stage of their training that we weren't supposed to fraternize with them, which made the place seem more isolated than it actually was.

I appreciated that, though. Communicating with small nods and subtle gestures, spending so much time in places were everything was meticulously arranged...

And then, right when it started to become oppressive and frustrating, it was time to spend a week working at the Tsuruya estate with Hakase-sensei. The estate had a certain structure, too, but a much more relaxed one; Hakase-sensei would let me do the heavy labor while we discussed what I had been studying.

It probably sounds somewhat romanticized; that I was drifting towards the life of an ascetic.

Waking up in a dormitory full of monks reminded me personally of how much further I would have to go for that to be true. And, while my feelings on Nagato may have finally coalesced into something I could understand, spending one out of every three weeks with her sleeping next to me in my futon did not initially help to settle me - even if I was glad to be able to help her in some small way.

* * *

Those were earlier times, though... I _do_ understand the relationship that Nagato and I have now, and while I explain it to others that she is like a sister, that may not adequately encompass the entirety of it. As time passed and Nagato adjusted to her changes, she came to sleep in my bed less and less.

There are occasions, here and there, when she still comes to my apartment at night, just to feel less alone.

It occurred to me to try and ask her out on a date once... Sadly enough, after all we'd been through, I wasn't sure if I felt for Nagato that way. So I considered it, but never mustered the courage to ask directly. Make no doubts about it, she shakes the bell in my heart ... but as time passed, I realized there wasn't really any romance there.

"Nagato... Is there difficulty between you and Haruhi?"

The sun has set completely, now, leaving Nagato and I in only the faintest lighting. She's still confident enough in that darkness to slip slightly closer to me. "Suzumiya Haruhi causes you discomfort and unrest. This is a difficulty for me."

"Mmm. Haruhi still wants to be your friend, you know."

Nagato considers this for a long moment. "I ... did not know."

"Well, what do you think she's here for, then?"

Her lips purse together tightly. I can see she's thinking about this, too. "You," she finally answers.

"So ... once again ... it's my fault?" I ask with a weak smile.

"Foolish," Nagato retorts, stepping forward the remaining distance between us, giving me a gentle hug. She turns her head to one side as her face presses into my shirt, and her voice is slightly muffled as she explains, "My presence would make the pursuit of romance difficult for you. Therefore, if there is fault, it is mine for preventing you from achieving your goals."

"Now _that_ is foolish," I counter, and I'm glad that my smile feels more genuine. "Nagato ... we've been over this. Anyone who couldn't understand your importance to me wouldn't matter. And then there's..." But no need to discuss that now. Instead, I give her a hug in return. "I'm sorry if it's difficult for you to watch me near Haruhi," I tell her. "I did tell her about your family situation, at least."

Nagato gives a very tiny nod and moves away, but leaves her arms around me for a lingering moment. "Thank you," she breathes. I let her slip the rest of the way away from me.

"You'll be okay?"

"As long as you are there, it is fine," she says, sounding more confident.

The pair of us step outside while Nagato locks up her bookstore. Distracted with watching her, I hear the crunch of approaching tires before I realize that Tsuruya's limousine has pulled up. Nagato puts her key away and turns around as Kintaro's mother exits the vehicle with a tired, worn smile, waving at the pair of us.

"How is Kin-chan?" Tsuruya asks.

"He should be upstairs with Haruhi and my sister," I answer.

Nodding, Tsuruya dismisses her driver and moves to Nagato's side. "You look especially happy just now, Nagato-chi. Did something good happen?" She glances back at me, giving a teasing smile. "Maybe with Kyon-kun...?"

Nagato doesn't blush, just refusing to acknowledge the question.

Tsuruya giggles, then takes Nagato's arm in hers. "It's cold here," she chides, shaking her head. "Come on, let's say hello to Kin-chan!"

I follow behind the pair of them, the last one back to my own apartment. Kintaro is staring wide-eyed at his anime, breaking away from the ending credits to cheer and glomp onto his mother. At a glance, my sister is in the middle of recounting her wedding to Haruhi.

"Ah, there you are," Haruhi remarks from the kitchen entrance, waving a wooden stirring spoon at me. "Got caught up talking with Tsu-chan?"

"Yep!" Tsuruya agrees, twirling once with Kintaro in a tight hug before setting him down and beaming Haruhi her usual cheerful smile. "Sorry - I didn't mean to steal your hosts!"

"Ah, that's not a problem," Haruhi insists, shaking her head. "Um..."

"Haru-nee," my sister calls from deeper in the kitchen.

Haruhi gives a tiny scowl before offering an apologetic smile and running back into the kitchen.

"Having fun?" Tsuruya asks Kintaro. "Good day at school?"

"Yep, yep!" he agrees. "Nagato-san helped me with my math homework, since Uncle and Suzumiya-san were busy talking."

"And you, Kyon-kun?" Tsuruya asks me, one eyebrow raised questioningly.

"I'm doing pretty well," I answer, realizing after I say it that it's really true. This is the 'family' night that Tsuruya wanted - and I agreed to. More and more I'm realizing that Tsuruya's plan wasn't just for Kintaro's benefit...

Still, it's true. The family I care about is here - Tsuruya, Nagato, my sister, Kintaro, naturally... And having Haruhi join us somehow feels right, too. Except for Kintaro, who couldn't have known her, weren't all of these people Haruhi's friends?

"Ready!" Haruhi calls from the kitchen, making me realize I've done it again.

Just standing around like an idiot, thinking and not doing...

"What's with that face?" Haruhi asks, frowning at me as she reenters the living room.

"Haiku," Kintaro says knowingly.

I guess that tells me what I look like.

"Let's hear it, then," my sister says, bringing the first of the dishes out from the kitchen and setting it on the table.

No pressure or anything, right?

"Friends and family,  
"Assembled at the table;  
"Us in harmony."

No, that's just terrible...

My sister thinks it's cute, and Tsuruya and Haruhi both politely giggle at it.

"I haven't been at my best lately," I sigh, taking a seat at the table.

Haruhi takes the spot to my left, closest to the rice cooker, and begins serving out bowls of rice. "Well, I've probably been distracting you quite a bit," she acknowledges.

Kintaro sits to my right, opposite her, and Tsuruya sits next to him. Nagato debates for a moment, then sits next to Tsuruya, opposite me, leaving space between her and Haruhi for my sister.

After Haruhi hands out the bowls of rice, everyone murmurs the traditional gratitude. "Distracted by the next arrangement for the sand garden?" she asks me.

"Oh, a new one?" my sister noises, brightening. At Haruhi's inquisitive glance, my sister launches into an explanation of her current hobby - something that began the instant she had a child of her own and a camera. She spent a few years photographing literally _everything_, since she'd never taken classes on the subject. Not to say she's bad at it - I can take pictures of people, and some landscapes, but at this point she can tell me about composition, lighting conditions, subject matter... To say nothing of her energetic rants about the various new digital cameras versus the antique film camera her husband gave her for their anniversary.

It seemed to me a relatively harmless pursuit, until she explained to Tsuruya that she wanted to do a photo book... Tsuruya, naturally, took my sister's rambling seriously, and as a result, my sister is nearly obsessed with photographing my work in the sand garden, thinking it will make a great coffee table book with pictures of the gardens near the poems that they represent.

It still feels to me that somehow Tsuruya's estate should be more private than that, but Nagato isn't opposed, and Tsuruya herself doesn't mind. There's no reason not to let my sister have her fun, I suppose.

"I'll probably start working on the new design in a few days," I answer, serving a portion of tempura vegetables onto Kintaro's plate, then setting another on my own. "But I haven't actually picked it out yet."

Kintaro pouts at his dish as Tsuruya adds more vegetables and a serving of fish. "Aww..." he mumbles, before giving a resigned shrug and tasting his meal. "Um! This is really good!"

After giving a gracious nod and wink to Kintaro, Haruhi asks me, "How does the creative process work on designing a sand garden, anyway?"

"Do you really want to know?" I ask, giving a wry grin. "The foundations are phenomenally boring."

"Well, what else is there to talk about?" Haruhi protests, pouting.

"Why not tell us how your acting career started?" I prompt.

She gives me a hooded glance. "You are in serious story-telling debt," she warns me, almost hiding her smile. "But, okay."

"Suzumiya-san's a movie star?" Kintaro asks curiously. "Do you do voice acting, too?"

"A little," Haruhi admits, frowning thoughtfully. "Ah ... let's see. When I finished college, after spending some time working for the corporate machine, I decided to try and expand my horizons and, well ... live a more artistic lifestyle."

"What's the corporate machine?" Kintaro asks.

"Let Haruhi tell her story, Kin-chan," Tsuruya scolds gently.

"Oh, that's just a way of saying 'really boring work,'" Haruhi clarifies. "Anyway, how to say this..." Haruhi furrows her brow and gives Kintaro a tiny, slightly embarrassed smile. "You know, before college, I was something of a troublemaker. But that was only because I knew that no matter what, I was going to make a mark on the world."

"I knew it, too," my sister agrees, winking.

Well, they weren't the only ones.

Haruhi looks mildly surprised at that, but continues: "So ... in my last years of college, certain events started leading me into trying to live the same kind of life that any other generic successful person might. That's not really bad, but my old dreams of making a mark - of doing something amazing and different... I was kind of distracted from doing that for a while.

"Something came along, though, reminding me that the life I was starting to make wasn't the life I wanted to live." Her face turns slightly red, and she turns her gaze to Kintaro. "A...actually, I was really inspired by your uncle's books. I hadn't seen him in ... well, a few years at that point."

"Aww..." my sister coos, setting down her teacup. "That's _cute_!"

"Which books?" Tsuruya asks, thinking. "Hum ... _Sprouting_ and _Reach for the Sun_, right?"

"_Sprouting_," Haruhi agrees. "I thought that making movies sounded interesting - I'd tried my hand at it in high school, actually."

And with the exception of Kintaro, everyone in this room was in that movie ... including my cat.

"Well, since I didn't know how the big studios did it, compared to my style, I decided to infiltrate the industry from the ground up, and see what I could learn as an intern."

Yes ... that sounds like Haruhi - more than her explanation that she worked in an office with Koizumi doing abstract math all day. I could easily imagine her dressing up like anyone else for an interview, marching up to some producer's desk, and then proudly throwing down a resume that listed her Toudai education - while applying for an internship.

"After a few months, I'd worked my way up to production assistant, and my first project was the _Bridge of Birds_ movie."

"Oh, the original?" Tsuruya asks with a sympathetic wince.

Haruhi laughs, rolling her eyes. "Yeah ... the studio signed this _massive_ deal - they were going to produce a whole series of movies telling the chronicles of Master Li and Number Ten Ox, right? Everything seemed to go off with only a few minor glitches, and then right after we were celebrating our release party, our lead actress-" She pauses, glancing at Kintaro as she considers what to say next. "Well, she did something that embarrassed the studio very much, and then the project almost died due to red tape for three years.

"To be honest, I'd given up on becoming a successful producer - my boss basically dropped everything bad about the project on me and moved to the next film. There was still a lot I could do and learn, though, so I didn't let that bother me. By the time the paperwork was sorted out, I wasn't interested in being a producer anymore - they were going to start the series from scratch anyway. I'd managed to establish a reputation for myself, so they wanted me on the project, but I was much more interested in trying out acting at that point, so ... they offered me a role as the lead as long as I was willing to co-produce."

"You voiced the ghost of Scented Hairpin in the original, didn't you?" I ask.

Nagato nods.

Haruhi blinks, more visibly surprised than before. "That's not credited!" she protests, unable to keep from grinning in satisfaction. "Not even on my IMDB profile! You recognized me, huh?"

One does not forget the voice of Suzumiya Haruhi. Even so... "Nagato thought it was your voice."

"Ah," Haruhi sighs, nodding, her grin fading to a fainter smile.

"I think I remember that movie now," Kintaro says, pushing his plate away from himself. Tsuruya glances at his uneaten vegetables and pushes it back with a quiet chuckle. Pretending he hasn't noticed, Kintaro asks, "Isn't it about the story of Tanabata?"

"Yeah!" Haruhi says more enthusiastically. "I think a lot of people missed that, so you're pretty sharp to catch it! Tanabata used to be a very meaningful time for me, so I really liked getting to play Lotus Cloud and Jade Pearl..."

"I liked that series," my sister remarks, smiling. "You know, it's embarrassing now, but I actually didn't realize that you were the same Haru-nee that hung out with my brother when I was small!"

"Well, there was a lot of makeup," Haruhi says, shrugging, but still smiling. "It doesn't bother me that you didn't know I'm the same person - I'm just glad that you liked the movie. Really ... if you're acting and doing it right, shouldn't you be unrecognizable as who you used to be?"

Except ... I knew it was still her. What did that mean, I wonder?

"Interesting," Tsuruya opines.

* * *

Some time after conversation breaks down into surprisingly comfortable, but mostly irrelevant small-talk, I excuse myself from the table to take care of the dishes. Haruhi quickly follows, insisting on helping, never mind my protests that she already cooked for us. "You'll have to dry them, because I don't know where all of your dishes go," Haruhi warns me as Tsuruya laughs at something from the other room.

"That's fine," I agree, getting a clean dishcloth from the cupboard. "Sorry, this isn't the most fun we could have while visiting, is it?"

"It's nothing for me to complain about," she counters, looking vaguely amused as she rolls her sleeves up. "You still haven't gotten that the whole point of us trying to catch up is to learn all about the kind of people we've become? What better chance than to see how you live your life, and do your job?"

"I don't have any secret gardening techniques for you to steal," I note as she hands me the first clean plate.

"Ever seen a washrag coiled into a whip?"

"Why, yes, I _do_ have a sibling in the other room."

She chuckles, shaking her head. "Well, be that as it may..." She lowers her voice slightly. "I don't think I've been much of a guest to Tsu-chan, but it's just such a surprise- I mean... I had no idea that when I went to talk to her, I'd find you and Yuki, too. And your little sister - still adorably tiny! But then..." She trails off and shakes her head. "Anyway, the point I'm trying to get at is that I should spend more time with Tsu-chan tomorrow, so ... can we visit again?"

"I don't see why not," I answer slowly. "When were you thinking?"

"Tomorrow I've got to find a good thank-you present for Tsu-chan, but I've already hit Kin-chan up for ideas on what to get. The next day, I have to go to Tokyo for an appointment, then..." She thinks for a minute, frowning. "Let's trade cell phone numbers. I'm going to be pretty busy for the next few days, but I'll call you when I get back into town?"

"That should be fine," I agree.

For a moment she looks about ready to say more, before she turns her head to the sink and starts scrubbing the last of the pots. Before I can really even consider asking her what it means, Kintaro pads into the room, asking for a cup of water.

* * *

In the quiet, after everyone has gone, I lay on my futon and stare at the ceiling. Except for my thoughts, I'm alone in the apartment that I have called home for nearly a decade and a half.

This is becoming an uncomfortable habit, reminding me of the times when I was younger - when Haruhi had been a larger part of my life.

My wandering mind is interrupted by a knock at the balcony door. I roll out from my blankets and climb to my feet, my knees grumbling slight complaints at this unseemly haste.

When I reach the door and open it, Nagato is standing on the balcony in her pajamas, shivering. "I told you to wear that robe I gave you," I chastise her, taking her hand and leading her inside.

"Yes," she agrees quietly, still shivering. After I close the door, she walks to my room ahead of me, almost stumbling through the doorway in the dark.

While I do care for Nagato, her one real difficulty is acknowledging her own limitations. She can't see in the dark or go days without sleeping, like she once was able to. She can't ignore the cold, either. I don't believe that she forgets, as much as she just wants the reminder of what it feels like. Or maybe she just gets stressed and tired, and trusts me to take care of her.

Fair is fair; she's taken care of me more than enough in the past. Once we lay down on the futon, she curls up to my side, still shivering slightly as she warms up. Shamisen, long familiar with the ritual, trots into the room from wherever he was hiding and immediately hops onto Nagato's side before curling up and purring.

She warms up and stops shivering, but I can tell by her breathing that she's not sleeping. Not that I'm one to talk ... and Nagato's presence in my bed doesn't bother me like it once did. Now it just means that a winter night is slightly less chilly, and Nagato is less troubled.

Well ... I'd be lying if I said I didn't find some comfort there, too. More likely than not, all things considered, tonight is for my benefit more than hers. Shamisen shifts and stretches slightly before re-curling into an even tighter ball, heaving one enormous - for him - sigh before he begins to sleep. So, no complaints from him, either.

"You should pursue a romantic relationship with Suzumiya Haruhi," Nagato says very softly, breaking the silence.

Wait, what?

"Hmm," I answer, blinking. Nagato doesn't joke about things like this. "I don't know about that."

Nagato shifts, rolling to lie on her back next to me. Shamisen grumbles briefly about his warm spot moving, then settles down in the valley between us and almost immediately falls asleep again.

"Most likely she still has feelings for you," she says quietly. "While it seems unlikely that she consciously sought you out, the lack of closure has caused this reconnection with you to ignite those dormant feelings again."

I'm not sure I can handle this. Then again, if hearing it from Nagato like this is too much for me, then I can't handle anything at all. And didn't I make a commitment, those years ago, to stop running away?

Okay. So Haruhi might still like me - though I have doubts about that, personally. I think she might have come to forgive me, but I doubt she still sees me as more than a friend. After Koizumi, and considering that she had trouble making friends in the past, well, I can see why she'd be so eager to try and rekindle that friendship. But the idea of her harboring some deeper feeling for me after how badly I failed her?

I don't know if I can believe that. Setting it aside anyway, I know my sister thinks that me marrying and moving into a proper house of my own would bridge the gap between me and my parents. And she likes Haruhi for her own reasons...

No, wait - never mind what anyone else thinks. Even Nagato, for the moment.

Did I want to be in a relationship with Haruhi?

"I need to think about that very hard," I answer.

"As you delay, it seems diminishingly likely that you will encounter a partner who will meet the specifications you require," she says quietly.

This discussion is a bit more familiar. I like Nagato's delivery better than my sister's, "You are not getting any younger!" reminders, but...

"Those are non-negotiable points," I say. "The shapes I form my life around." Her, Kintaro, and Tsuruya.

Nagato doesn't say anything in response, though one arm comes out from beneath the covers to rub Shamisen's ears.

When Nagato initially had asked me for what I was looking for in a mate, I hadn't taken the question seriously - though from long habit of living with her, I told the truth anyway. I didn't expect anything to come of it... But anyone I did try to have a relationship with would have to tolerate what Nagato and I have. And I am not so stupid as to miss the fact that any respectable woman would find that quite difficult to accept.

Add in the agreement between myself and Tsuruya ... myself settling down now would disrupt Kintaro's life.

Or are those excuses?

I don't know... It's late, I'm not getting any sleep. I have a strong urge to run away again, but that accomplishes nothing. Although... "Nagato, what do you think about taking a trip?" I ask.

She turns her head towards me curiously, withdrawing her arm beneath the covers and saying nothing.

"I'm not sure if this came up, but some time in the past, Koizumi Itsuki passed away - I was thinking of taking a day or so off and going to visit his grave."

Her eyebrows knit slightly closer together, and she makes a doubtful noise.

"Maybe the gardens there will inspire me - wherever he is," I suggest.

She gives a reluctant nod. It's not running away, I tell myself. Yes, I am avoiding Haruhi tomorrow, but I am facing Koizumi's departure.

Looking at it as arranging events in time like elements of a garden... A detour might be acceptable, and visiting his grave would let me at least let me turn those plots over in my mind, making room for new growths.

"You must inform Tsuruya Kintaro," she reminds me. "I will locate the site and manage travel arrangements."

"That's true." No running away, huh? "Thank you very much, Nagato."

"Good," she decides, her eyes drifting shut. "It is ... no problem..." Shortly after that, her breathing shifts, slows...

I rely on Nagato still, at least as much as she relies on me. I'm probably just fooling myself when I pretend otherwise. Maybe that's why I'm so reluctant...

No - I will do my work tomorrow as I'm supposed to, early enough to meet with Tsuruya and Kintaro before he goes to school. This is not running away - this is moving forward, even if it is in slow, painful steps.


	5. Chapter 4

Later - Chapter Four

A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

By Brian Randall

Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.

Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.

* * *

I wake up earlier than I like, and almost immediately berate myself for the thought. In a rare moment of vulnerability, Nagato sleeps in, and I am able to swap myself with Shamisen - much like a ninja - and sneak to the bathroom without waking her. Another tiny proof of her changed nature... Then again, at this point I honestly know the human Nagato better than the one that was an interface - even if the two aren't all that far apart, in most ways.

After I finish my morning rituals, Nagato stirs, emerging from my bedroom to sleepily stumble to the balcony door, then plod to her own apartment. A few minutes later, she returns, finished brushing her teeth, and I set her breakfast on the table. "I have to hurry," I apologize, looking at the clock. "I should be back before noon, though."

"Good," Nagato replies as she reaches for her tea.

"Remember your vitamins," I add, before heading out the door.

After what rest I got - not quite enough - I tried thinking about things with Haruhi. Really, I'd been doing that a lot lately, or trying very hard not to. Making myself try and face the problem head-on was a lot like taking a greenhouse sheltered sapling and then planting it on the slope of a mountain. Not being acclimated to the bitter cold and high winds, the plant breaks or dies back heavily, and takes years to recover from the stunting.

Who's fault is that, though?

Ultimately, I run into my process of deferral again, though at least this time it seems somewhat more justified. There's still a lot between Haruhi and I that hasn't been said. And really, Nagato and Haruhi might want some time to discuss things, too. Until I was convinced that Nagato genuinely didn't mind...

If Haruhi's going to be part of my life, why not try and make that as a friend, before anything else?

That sounds eminently reasonable, at least to me. Another of those tiny steps.

* * *

The universe genuinely does conspire to thwart me - some days, I believe that. I reach the Tsuruya estate at the right time to run into Kintaro and his mother walking to school. Haruhi has already run off somewhere, promising to return later.

The wind is picking up slightly, and the skies suggest rain soon - probably this evening, if not earlier. Kintaro has an umbrella in his bag, just in case, and I study the approaching storm front before remarking, "I'm thinking of heading out of town for a day or two."

"Aw!" Kintaro protests, pouting. "I knew it was bad news if Uncle came over so early."

Of course, he sees right through me.

"Well, I can't be the only one who has things to take care of," Tsuruya notes, patting his shoulder. "That's why you have Mother and Uncle both watching over you!"

He brightens slightly, looking over his shoulder at me with a smirk. "Alright... Where are you going, Uncle?"

"Research trip," I answer. "Nagato is determining where. Hopefully some distant gardens are a positive inspiration, hmm?"

"That would be nice," Tsuruya agrees with a chuckle, glancing to one side at another young student being walked to school by an older sibling - in Kitago uniform, of course. "Right now, I do seem to have a sand garden with tanuki prints in it."

"Primacy of nature," I reply, giving her a grin.

"And it'll probably rain tonight," Kintaro reminds us, gesturing at the skies as we round the corner leading to his middle school's entrance gate.

If there's strong rain, or much of any snow at all, there's not a lot of point to grooming the sand anyway. "I think so, too," I agree.

"Now, are you ready for class?" Tsuruya asks.

Kintaro looks thoughtful, then nods, turning to face the pair of us at the gate. "Will you bring me something from wherever you go, Uncle?" he asks hopefully.

"No promises," I warn him, "but we'll see."

He nods again, spotting one of his classmates, then jogs through the gate to catch up. Tsuruya sighs and turns around, heading back towards her estate. I glance at her again - she dresses in the same style of clothes as any of the other mothers walking with their children in the area, when she walks with Kintaro to and from school. She catches my glance and gives me a sidelong smile.

"So," she prompts in a quiet voice, once we pass the end of the block, and Kintaro's school vanishes from sight. "What's the cause for the trip? Since Nagato-chi's going with you, you're not going to elope with Haruhi, are you?"

I almost stumble at that, but her laughter is too cheerful for me to really shoot a glower at her. Nagato didn't talk to Tsuruya behind my back about this, did she?

Never mind that now.

"Well, do you remember Koizumi Itsuki?"

She nods at that, looking curious. "Haruhi inspired you to find your other old friends?"

Hmm, so Haruhi didn't discuss that with Tsuruya at all?

"No ... he passed away some time ago - I was hoping to visit his grave, actually. I never said anything resembling an appropriate goodbye when we last talked... I should give him at least that much, shouldn't I?"

Tsuruya's smile vanishes as she looks up at the sky thoughtfully. "I suppose so... I didn't know him terribly well. For whatever reason, Mikuru-chan didn't speak about him much. Anyway, would you bring him flowers from me, when you go?"

"Absolutely," I agree.

"Hmm... Kyon-kun, has Haruhi told you why she came here?"

"No," I admit. "Not beyond wanting to catch up, anyway. Why?"

"She hasn't told me either," Tsknow yesterday morning... She let me know she was visiting a doctor tomorrow, though I don't think she meant to."

She takes a deep breath as we stroll through the gate to her estate and pauses on the driveway, where no other staff are in sight. "I don't mean to make you worry for nothing, but I think she might be really sick," she explains hesitantly.

I don't even have a good curse word for this, though I think I should.

Tsuruya looks sympathetic. "Come with me," she decides, gesturing for me to follow her.

I have to wonder what sort of dismay my expression shows. We walk side-by-side beneath the wild cherry trees that fill the yard, and around the house to the shrine garden. After bowing to the torii, I uncertainly follow Tsuruya within.

There's no official rule that non-family can't enter the garden, but I feel a bit like a trespasser, being in this familiar space at the same time as her. She walks around the stone walkway through the arrangements to the tiny shrine building, then pauses. I make a mental note to restock the incense soon as she takes a stick and lights it, contemplating for a long moment before quietly ringing the small shrine bell.

The tone lingers in the garden and she glances briefly at her husband's portrait. Turning back to face me, she steps off the shrine's small steps, then sits down and pats the space next to her.

Sitting at her side, I realize that I've never quite looked at the garden from that angle before.

"Do you really think she's sick?" I ask.

"It could be a minor thing, and I could be wrong," Tsuruya sighs. "It fits logically. I was unclear on the trouble she has with her parents, but maybe she doesn't want them to know?"

"I suppose... I really, really don't want to believe such a thing, though."

"I'd like to think I'm wrong, too, but forewarned is forearmed."

That's unfortunately very true.

"Also," Tsuruya continues, unable to keep the concern from her voice, "Haruhi and I did not ... part on the best terms. So, even for her, I think, it would take something significant to overcome that, when she came by. She came to the estate door without calling- To be honest, I considered sending her away, but..."

She sighs, shaking her head.

"I know that Haruhi was upset ... over Mikuru-chan missing ... and I'm sorry that she's gone too- But to hold the grudge for so long... Well, she said she wanted to apologize and though I think she was trying to hide it, she was in a desperate state. I asked, but she wouldn't tell me why. I invited her to stay if she needed help - what else could I do?" Tsuruya doesn't look directly at me, but I can tell she's anxious about this too.

"You know," I tell her, "I think of all the people Haruhi knew in high school, you were the one she got along with the best."

"Aside from you," she corrects. Then she shakes her head glumly. "Especially if Koizumi-san... Ah, that's a pity for both of them."

Haruhi hadn't seen fit to tell Tsuruya that she and Koizumi had dated? But then, if Haruhi was hiding something, Tsuruya would be more likely to figure it out than I was. "She told me some things about Koizumi... She didn't specifically say it was in confidence, so maybe it was just that it didn't come up?" I suggest.

"Perhaps... Will you tell me what it is?" she asks very quietly. "I'd understand if you said 'no,' of course."

I think for a moment. I don't keep secrets from Tsuruya, when I can help it - would telling her upset Haruhi?

Perhaps.

I'll have to take that risk, I suppose. If I can't face it alone, well ... at least I don't have to. "Alright," I say, my own voice just as quiet. There is a reason that Tsuruya and I have the trust between us that we do, after all.

* * *

After explaining things to Tsuruya, she's sympathetic to Haruhi's past, but it doesn't shed any light on what happened - unless whatever it was that Koizumi died from is the same thing that Haruhi has. That seems really far-fetched, though - I can't put stock in that without further proof.

Without any additional clues to go on, we sit together on the shrine steps for a while, then Tsuruya puts one arm around my shoulders in a comforting hug. "Try not to think about it too much; settle things with Koizumi-san first, and we'll sort the rest out later."

On that advice, I go back home, where Nagato is already waiting with pre-purchased lunches from the market and an itinerary. Being herself, she even has a short printed report - a copy of his obituary, the address of the cemetery, and a picture of him.

I didn't know he had an older sister... His job title is listed as some sort of senior executive. He's a Toudai graduate, naturally. Other than the tidbit about his sister and his parents, there's nothing there to really tell me more about him - anything I didn't know. Unsurprisingly in the face of his Toudai education, his high school is unnamed.

The picture is typical Koizumi. Older than when I saw him last, but far younger than me now. He looks perfect as ever in his nice suit. I guess it's from the time he and Haruhi were working together, but there's no date on it, so I can only wonder... Some part of his smile looks genuine enough that I think that must be it.

Behind all that, there's the tickets Nagato has already printed out for the train. "He's in Tokyo," I realize. "I suppose that's where his family must be from, then."

She nods quietly, agreeing, "Most likely."

Despite all that, I lose myself in thought on the taxi trip to the station, only realizing then that we're going to the bullet train platform. I moodily stare around. It's been renovated, and it's not the first time I've been back here...

But I really hate this place.

Nagato realizes this with a tiny grimace of distaste as we walk through the entry archway to stand around and wait with everyone else. "I forgot," she says quietly.

"This is the most efficient route," I reply with a shrug.

Thankfully, we don't have to wait long.

A few minutes later we're seated comfortably, hurtling along towards Tokyo at some ungodly speed. How fast do these things go, these days?

I used to try and learn all kinds of trivia like that; now, I can't even bother to look at the digital readout over the central aisle to check. Instead, I watch the surrounding landscape blur past. We go so quickly, there's no real attempt to post billboards along the way. The distant mountains still move slowly enough to be worth watching, but we're on the wrong side of the train to try and view Fuji.

Still, the sea is pretty.

Nagato watches the view for a while, and I flip through the papers again, though they tell me nothing new. After we eat our lunches, Nagato sighs quietly and leans back in her seat, dozing off. I try and do the same, but instead, I think about what happened between Haruhi and Koizumi - and then remember what happened with Tsuruya's marriage at the same time.

* * *

While I was finishing my training at Kurama-dera, both Nagato and I were fairly busy with our own lives - her adapting, and me pulling things together enough to actually do my job. Tsuruya was our mutual friend, though, so we were not oblivious to her sudden (to us) engagement upon her finishing her remedial year of college. In retrospect, that extra year was probably something Tsuruya planned to delay the inevitable.

Tsuruya's family was very proper, and this meant that as a dutiful daughter, she didn't really have much choice in who she married. Her father designated her the heir - the next head of the family - but I found out later that this was for political purposes. Her father would rather have had a son, so the plan was to adopt someone into the family as her husband. A specific someone, of course, a notable member of another powerful family like hers.

His family likewise had substantial holdings (though, not as impressive as that of Tsuruya's family) and he was already set to inherit the role of family head. In this way, he would take her family name and assume Tsuruya's inheritance, bringing control of all of the holdings of both families to a single heir - the child he might have with her.

I was also adjusting to life on the grounds and working with the staff. At first, I never did anything outside of the auspices of Hakase-sensei's guidance. I was allowed to practice grooming the sand gardens, but only briefly before he replaced it with his own design. The other staff were quite friendly - a requirement of the Tsuruya family, I guessed.

I tried to likewise be just as friendly in return, but there was very little overlap between managing the grounds and keeping the house proper. The maids might encounter us on the porch while they were putting out laundry to dry - or we might go to the door to warn of incoming rain. The cook - Yamada-san - occasionally would set out a warm thermos of tea, especially in fall and winter. Really, that was the most of it - more due to the size of the estate than anything else.

Despite that, there was a palpable sense of unhappiness throughout the household after the formal engagement. Tsuruya put on a brave face, but didn't remotely care for her fiance. Regardless of all that, the wedding was planned for the following spring.

As a gardener, I was not supposed to fraternize with Tsuruya - unless she came to me, for whatever reason. As her friend, I tried to invite her over to spend time with Nagato and I whenever possible. She wasn't forthcoming about her specific issues with her fiance, and I couldn't bring myself to pry - not after all she'd done to help us out.

Nagato was starting to shift her focus from the bookstore to her editing, and didn't tell me how much she was making, but I guessed it was quite a lot. Certainly, she wasn't concerned about finances, like she had been when first starting out. Unfortunately, despite how much she was settling down, she didn't have ideas to get an explanation out of Tsuruya, either.

And so, I didn't actually even meet her fiance until the wedding.

It was an immensely formal affair; Nagato and I went together. Tsuruya meant well by inviting us, and we tried to be there to support her as much as possible given the circumstances. We were still uncomfortably out of our element, even though Tsuruya had discreetly gifted us appropriate attire beforehand.

The wedding was in the very classic style, meaning we wouldn't have many opportunities to approach the couple alone - given our relatively unknown status compared to many of the other guests, there turned out to be almost none. I did get a chance to personally hand over the first copy of my book, at least, and that was my introduction to the man.

He had a large frame, and I wouldn't have described him as handsome by any stretch. Even dressed in the traditional outfit, he didn't appear noble to me. Dark eyes, dark hair, and a smile like a politician's. No ... phonier by a huge stretch. If that weren't enough, Tsuruya's father, either through ignorance or pride, bestowed a sword upon his new son-in-law as a wedding gift. It has long been held that receiving a blade as a wedding gift would bring bad luck.

I felt there was a pall over the wedding that only Nagato, Tsuruya, and I could perceive. Tsuruya tried to look happy, but I felt that anyone should be able tell she really wasn't. It just seemed the people closest to her didn't care enough to say anything about it.

I didn't get a chance to talk to her until after she came back from her honeymoon - the day her husband moved in.

It's unpleasant to recall that period of time - far worse then when I thought I was going 'mad.' Thanks to Nagato's brilliant management of my books, I was starting to make income outside of what Tsuruya was paying me. So, things were actually starting to improve for Nagato and myself.

Not so for Tsuruya.

We didn't much enjoy our slowly improving fortunes, not in the face of that.

Her husband was, to put it plainly, a brutish drunkard, violent, and with a temper that could spark at the slightest thing. From the first week on the estate, he began utilizing his new position as head of the household - if not the family - systematically replacing or dismissing the vast majority of the staff.

Yamada-san and myself were the last two employees left from before he moved in. Hakase-sensei was dismissed the day that Tsuruya's husband found me experimentally shaping the sand while my teacher contemplated what design would actually occupy the space. The rationale of Tsuruya's husband was relatively straightforward: Why pay for two gardeners, when the estate needed only one?

While the elder man was obviously more experienced, it also seemed I'd demonstrated that there was no need for further training.

Many of the replacement staff didn't last long either, and Tsuruya started to decline my invitations to come over and spend time with Nagato and I. She had the very good point that her husband was jealous enough as it was. So, I did my best to just do my job, hoping that some opportunity would arise to help improve Tsuruya's situation - or stop her husband.

Such a thing did not quickly come to pass.

After Tsuruya had been married a little over a year, her husband's angry, violent outbursts turned to her. I respect Tsuruya greatly, and she's a strong person - but I will always feel that her strength was not best spent trying to endure his unreasonable behavior.

Tsuruya wouldn't speak of it, but it was apparent to all of the remaining staff. Yamada-san's last day was when she made a complaint about it. The horrific outcome of that scene was borne by Tsuruya behind closed doors later - and events began to make me wonder what I might do if she did nothing to help herself.

Though I am seldom given to anger, my own thoughts began to turn to violence. Could I do that? Shouldn't I, if I wanted to call her a friend?

I couldn't discuss such a thing with Tsuruya, because she was still trying to make the marriage work out of loyalty to her family. Nagato was out of the question, because she would absolutely take it seriously. At the same time, she could tell I was keeping silent about something, which was making things needlessly tense between us, too.

With nothing better to do, waiting for a chance to arrive, I began to haunt the Tsuruya estate, arriving early and leaving late - always finding some portion of the lawn to tend, or some part of the hedge that needed trimming. Even though it wasn't requested, I spent the better part of two months meticulously getting the moths out of the cherry trees, despite Hakase-sensei's warnings that without the moths, there would be even more petals to deal with.

Eventually, I was certain, I would get a chance to help.

* * *

Done with the tedious de-mothing project, I stood on the corner of the sand garden nearest the shed, contemplating moving the central boulder. This process would take extensive manpower, because of the stone's size. It was occasionally rotated or adjusted in the garden throughout the years. According to Hakase-sensei's lessons to me, that stone was the oldest part of the Tsuruya estate.

Previous iterations of the house had been burned and razed over the centuries by rival warlords, rampant fire, and most recently an earthquake. But none of these attacks against the estate had ever managed to destroy the main boulder. It had supposedly spent time in a koi pond, and as various other garden arrangements in the estate. It was only in the last few centuries that it had enjoyed its role in the sand garden.

But that would be aside from the point.

The sky was darkening overhead, and I should have been going back home - there really was nothing left for me to take care of, good intentions or not.

I looked over at the back porch as a panel slid open, and Tsuruya stepped out, still regal in her kimono. Her eyes went to me, and she gave a wan, false smile. Moving with very slight steps to conceal a limp, she made her way along the porch towards me.

I hurried around the edge of the sand garden to the lower walkway, stopping at the corner of the house. "Tsuruya-san?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. She's wasn't bruised anywhere I could see, but with that limp, I knew...

She laboriously lowered herself to sit on the edge of the porch, legs dangling over the walkway. "Hey, Kyon-kun," she said, her voice rough. Her eyes closed and she tilted her face up towards the sky. "How is your writings?"

Studying the stone once more, I answered, "I haven't really been focusing on writing much lately."

"That's too bads. The grounds are well tended ... in good hands." She sighed, "Hum..."

Her husband yelled something inarticulate from within the house, and Tsuruya flinched away, slipping, stumbling off the edge of the porch. I tried to catch her, but it was so unexpected we both crashed to the ground, her collapsing across me with a whimper. I could not imagine the carnage were he to run out and see us in such a state.

Tsuruya pulled herself upright quickly enough, and I likewise hopped to my feet, dusting myself off and wishing I knew what the correct thing to do was. My training said that properly, I should do nothing; this was above my station, and I shouldn't interfere. My friendship said that I had seen more than enough, and that the rest simply didn't matter any more.

The disarray of where we fell across the sand garden was going to be trouble. I took her hand and led her across the walkway and around the corner of the guest house - towards the gardening shed. "K...Kyon-kun," Tsuruya mumbled in confusion, "what are you doings?"

"I can't just stand by and wait," I told her insistently. "Tsuruya-san - I owe you too much to be able to just watch this going on." My stomach was revolted enough that she'd had to endure what she had. "This isn't right; you have to get away from him!"

She resisted my pull, tugging back and standing at the edge of the walkway. "No, Kyon-kun," she said shakily, looking anxiously over her shoulder. "Y...you mustn't - there will be troubles if he catches you trying to help me!"

I wanted to tear my hair out at that. Why? "Tsuruya-san - don't you want better than this?"

She gave me a very sad smile, and a tiny shake of her head, and said, "We don't always get what we wants, Kyon-kun."

Those words... That sentiment...

I was frozen in shock as she moved away, limping towards the step and reclaiming the height of the porch - just as the sliding door violently slamed open, her husband glaring furiously across the scene, eyes flicking across me, then locking on her. "So," he said sourly. "Off playing with your lover again?"

"Of course not," she said, her voice surprisingly steady. "You know that-"

I was already running straight across the garden, unmindful of the designs in the sand. To my credit, I finally made it in time - sort of. I caught Tsuruya again after her husband backhanded her off the back porch. Once again we tumbled to the sand.

I wonder now if the anger those years ago I had at Haruhi in the same home were somehow a future echo of the anger I felt then. My vision grew red; my blood felt like it was boiling in my veins. Rage empowered me, and-

In complete honesty, I could go on at some length to explain how furious I was then. In verse, in prose, possibly even in song. There's no real point to iterating the intensity of that anger, though, because in the end it did no good.

I was kicked in the face before I even managed to climb to my feet.

* * *

Alerted by a blinding spike of pain through my entire head, but especially my upper lip, I came back to awareness to see that Tsuruya's husband had obtained his sword. He wasted no time waiting for me to recover, though, and hacked at my head clumsily.

As it turns out, the closer part of the blade to the hilt is not as sharp. It seemed that for that reason, when I didn't have enough energy to react in time, the blade cut into the side of my head a short distance - I don't know how deeply - and stopped there.

It did, however, cause the vision in one eye to suddenly turn gray, and a good portion of my body to go numb.

I had the vague impression that things were very bad for me as the blade was wrenched free. I could only lay there and stare upwards in shock. Tsuruya was a strong person, though - she tackled her husband to the ground and wrestled him for control of the weapon.

I would have liked to watch, but I couldn't turn my head. I could only stare and wonder how long I had to live - to wonder if Tsuruya would survive for my poor choices. I had never really thought about the idea of me having an affair with Tsuruya. It hadn't even crossed my mind - I was in her debt in a great many ways, and wanted to be her friend. How had her husband gotten that impression?

I really wanted to know that, for some reason.

Just as I reached the conclusion that I would die there, a familiar voice spoke from somewhere behind my head. I could hear it despite the fact that I _couldn't_ pick out the sounds of Tsuruya's fight with her husband.

"Really," Asakura Ryouko said, sounding just as cheerful as ever, "I had hoped to be the one to do that to you first. Did you like my deflection? I adjusted it perfectly so you'd still survive! Are you enjoying that sensation?" Then she giggled breathily, and I could feel it on the top of my head, through my hair. "Well, now that you've gotten this far, let's see what happens, hmm?"

My head turned, not of my own volition, and I felt a pinprick on my earlobe, along with a giggling voice that made me want to retch. But ... my vision returned to normal, and my numbness faded - though I had no strength to move whatsoever. I caught a glimpse of the knife in Asakura Ryouko's hand as she rose to stand over my head, and I saw Tsuruya struggling with her husband.

She was strong - no doubt. He was drunken, though, and numb to the damage she could try to do to him. Did Tsuruya know martial arts? Did he?

I didn't know.

She wrenched the sword from his hands, though, and stumbled away. He charged her, and I saw it - etched into my mind with the same clarity as few other events in my life.

As though in slow motion, he stumbled, slipping forward. One flailing hand deflected the sword very slightly down from Tsuruya's half-hearted guard position, and then he lurched into the point of the weapon. It pierced his body with seemingly minimal resistance- I wished I could close my eyes, but I couldn't. A surprisingly small spurt of blood escaped from where the blade was running into his chest - and then another from his back as he was run completely through.

"And ... the finale!" Asakura said brightly, almost giggling. "Should I save him? Make them go best two out of three?"

Tsuruya stared in slow, horrified realization as her husband looked at the sword running him through in consternation, struggling somehow to his feet. With a show of strength that I could not fathom, considering that I had thought him a normal human, he grabbed the handle of the blade, which Tsuruya let slip from her fingers, scrabbling backwards to escape him.

"Asakura," Kimidori's voice interrupted from somewhere else. "That's enough."

He pulled the blade a short distance out of his chest, then collapsed to his knees, a whining grunt escaping his throat.

I wondered, what now? What did these monsters want, here? Why did they save me?

Would they save him, too?

"As much as you may enjoy his continued incompetence, Asakura..."

"Unpredictable reactions result in more diverse data sets," Asakura noted.

Kimidori ignored this. I wished I had that option. "Kyon-kun," she said, "you've become quite clumsy. It's an annoyance to us that this has had to happen."

"So sorry to inconvenience you," I rasped, not realizing until then that I could speak. And blink again, too.

Tsuruya's husband turned to look at me and made a whuffing noise before falling forward and groaning - and then abruptly making no sound at all.

The area was completely silent, outside of Tsuruya's panicked breathing, and my own unsteady rasp. With a certainty that I had known few things in my life, I knew that Tsuruya's husband was gone.

"It will be further inconvenient for us should a murder investigation remove you from Nagato Yuki's living situation and environment."

"W...what's going on, here?" Tsuruya asked anxiously, scrabbling her way to my side, but stopping warily outside of Asakura's reach.

Even though I could speak, I couldn't move. I tried to put my emotions to the side for the moment, wanting to be rational with these creatures. I was emotionally too spent to feel much of anything, anyway. Someone tried to - and nearly did - kill me. In return, Tsuruya accidentally killed him trying to defend me. Why was it I only caused trouble?

No - no time for that. Kimidori and Asakura were mostly logical creatures, so if I could deal with them on that level, they should be somewhat reasonable.

"These two are Nagato's family," I said shakily. "They're going to help us out." I claimed that more because I wanted to believe it than from any real conviction.

"How?" Tsuruya asked, shaking.

"It is better for your sake and that of Nagato Yuki that this line of questioning ends here," Kimidori warned. "As her emotional stability improves, the need to protect you dwindles."

"Take care ... or make a mistake soon," Asakura chirped, as my stasis faded. "I'd like to play with you again! Or maybe you'll write me one of your little poems?"

When I could sit upright, the creatures were gone, the sand garden was immaculate, untouched. There were no traces of blood - or any sign of Tsuruya's husband. It was only me and Tsuruya, alone in the quiet.

* * *

I'm roused from my unpleasant reverie by the announcement that our stop is approaching. Nagato stirs, stretching a bit, then blinks as she wakes up and looks out the window. Thankfully, we exit further down the line from the Toudai stop, so I don't have to deal with that. As we exit the train station, stepping into the afternoon city, I can see no sign of the clouds that were threatening Nishinomiya.

We stroll down the street a short distance, Nagato taking my arm in one hand and letting her umbrella dangle in the other. In Tokyo, it's much colder, and the city is recovering from a light snow. There are small traces of it piled up atop signs and clinging to the branches of the very few trees around.

I may have come to like winter more than spring, but I still don't like it when it's too cold. Thankfully, it's not far to the taxi stand, and a few minutes later, we're struggling through the traffic towards the cemetery.

Only a few minutes off the itinerary, we reach the gates.

I knew land was expensive in Tokyo, so I was a bit surprised that Koizumi had done well enough to be buried there. All the same, it makes a sober day that much more grim. Neither Nagato or I quite expected the wide sea of grave markers that stretches before us.

There are occasional trees or bushes to disrupt the regular monotony of the square plots, and a fence surrounds the area, blocking out some of Tokyo's noise. Nagato and I scan the nearest grave markers, but ultimately have to find a caretaker and ask to be shown to Koizumi's grave.

The kindly old man eyes the potted plant that I'm carrying - my offering for Koizumi from Tsuruya, then bows and leaves the pair of us alone.

If he hadn't told me it was Koizumi's grave, I might not have known. I spend a few minutes studying it in silence, then look up at the late afternoon sky.

His marker is fairly stately, gray stone, like everything else around us. His years of birth and death are recorded on one side, along with his more conventional name - not the complex kanji for his posthumous name. I expect Nagato can probably still read that, even if the characters are outdated and obscure to me.

A family member or other friend must have been by recently, as the snow has been cleaned from the stone. An origami orchid rests near the base, tilted to one side in a slight breeze. Opposite it, someone has set a small granite bowl, filled with sand. A small bundle of burned out incense sticks remain stuck up, thrust out in solidarity.

Beneath the origami flower is a card, slightly worn from the elements, but miraculously still in place. This card lacks a name, so I wonder who left it.

After studying it for a moment, Nagato reaches into her bag, pulling out two sticks and a small box of wooden matches. We each light one and set them before his grave.

Breaking the silence, I address the marker, "I'm sorry I never even found out about this until a few days ago, Koizumi."

Nagato turns her head slightly, but doesn't look directly at me as I continue. "Um ... well, that's my fault... I do wonder how it is that things ended up turning out the way they did for you. As strange as it all turned out, I hope that at some point, you had been happy, anyway."

What else to say? What did I really expect?

Sighing, I set the potted plant down, to one side of the origami orchid. "This is from Tsuruya-san," I explain. "Um... I grew it myself. I hope that someone from your family finds it and knows that, well..." Clearing my throat, I add, "I wrote something for you, too:

"Things left unspoken,  
"In youth, there's always more time-  
"I'm sorry, my friend."

I leave a card with that written on it, and my information, so his family will know who came to visit the next time they come by. And then ... unable to stop myself, as disrespectful as it is, I carefully turn the other card over, wondering what message was left for Koizumi.

K-

You deserved better, and I know it's late, but even this late, you're often in my thoughts. I miss you; I miss all of you. I wish you were still with me for this, but since you're not, I hope wherever you ended up...

Be well, wherever you are.

-S.

I lay the card back carefully and sigh, concluding, "I'm sorry I couldn't bear to face you after you told me why I couldn't take the test myself. -that I'd chosen to run away. But then... Trying to be my friend, how unpleasant must it have been for you, telling me that if I did poorly on the test, that..." I sigh again, thinking to leave the rest unsaid.

Nagato blinks, pursing her lips and turns to look at me. "What?" she prompts me, curiously.

Well, this was for Koizumi's benefit. Or, if I tried to point that out, Nagato would correct me it was for our benefit - Koizumi was dead, after all. Still, I had hoped not to say it.

I glance around to ensure no one is in earshot. Except for an incredibly distant figure, brooding over another stone marker, and the caretaker near the gate, the area is quiet and lonely. "If I failed the test - Koizumi had told me what the entity had determined. That Haruhi would change things to make it so that facts would... Eh, basically, that if I messed it up, that Haruhi would disrupt the world, possibly very badly." I don't like that reminder, so I shrug, trying to dismiss it.

For a very long while, nothing at all happens. Then Nagato blinks rapidly, her eyes probably stinging from how long she kept them open. She quickly turns her gaze back to the stone marker. "Oh," she answers, giving a tiny frown and losing herself in thought.

I suppose she has nothing to say herself... Grim subjects all around. After a few more minutes of quiet contemplation, we finish paying our respects and leave.

Nagato seems pensive, for some reason. "What's next on the itinerary?" I ask, once we're out the gate and back on the streets.

"Hotel," she answers. "Or dinner."

That makes sense. Well... Tomorrow's a full day of visiting gardens around the city before taking the train back home. "What did you want to eat, Nagato? Any place in particular?"

"Ramen," she decides after a minute of thought.

* * *

Later that evening, in the quiet of our hotel room, I have some time to reflect. The view isn't much to speak of - just more of the seemingly endless city. Nagato is oddly restless, tapping at her laptop much too slowly for it to be her usual editing work. Something original, maybe?

"Troubled?" I ask, wondering what she made of the entire thing. She has been to a funeral with me once before, but neither of us felt much inclined to visit the grave of Tsuruya's husband afterwards.

She looks up from her laptop screen, and then immediately turns her gaze out the window, not meeting my eyes. "Just ... thinking," she answers.

I wonder what about, but decide not to ask. Strangely it's now, more than at his grave, that I find myself really reflecting on Koizumi.

What must it have been like for him? What happened in the end, between Haruhi and the esper?

"I just can't figure out what he was thinking," I sigh. I should really be focusing on the new design for the sand garden, but it's so distant now... No, better to think about Koizumi today and focus on tomorrow, tomorrow.

Nagato's lips press together, but she says nothing, turning her attention back to her screen. Well ... if this is hard for her, I should know better than to push. "I think I'll go to bed, now," I decide, shaking my head. "Don't mind me."

By the time I finish in the washroom, Nagato has already closed up her laptop and curled up in one of the room's two beds. The curtains have been closed, leaving only the lamp between the beds for illumination. I climb into the other bed and shut out the light, staring in the darkness and thinking instead of sleeping.

Nagato isn't close enough for me to hear her breathing, but I suspect she's not asleep.

Something feels incomplete, somehow. I spend a long while dreamless, just trying to sort things out - to solve the mystery of Koizumi, I suppose. What were the Agency's motivations? Were they his?

Couldn't his death have been staged, to assuage Haruhi's irritation?

I wanted to believe that last one a little. I'd once said that I couldn't believe that Haruhi would genuinely want a person to die ... to Koizumi, in fact. And if I didn't die, considering how badly I upset her... Well, she hadn't wished he'd died, though ... even if I don't understand the circumstances of how it happened.

And then when I thought about it, maybe I didn't really want to believe that Koizumi's death was staged just to try and make a point to Haruhi. Wouldn't that really be saying very little about both of them?

No answers come, even though the mystery looms large.

* * *

The next day is spent visiting some famous gardens of Tokyo. I've seen most of them, some fairly recently, but it's a bit of a respite. Nagato is still either restless, or maybe just bored, so I let her choose what to do for the rest of the day after lunch.

We spend some pleasant, still hours in a bookstore near Shunjuku.

It's incredibly quiet, with soft, plush leather chairs. Nagato picks out some books she hasn't seen before, and one she thinks I should have before catching an evening train back out of the city. When I check the book, I see it's a massive tome containing all seven volumes of _The Chronicles of Master Li and Number Ten Ox_.

A subtle hint, Nagato?

It's late by the time we reach Nishinomiya, and the taxi drops us off at home. The scent of recent rain drowns out pollution, making the air seem clear. Clearer than Tokyo by miles. There's a light on in my apartment as the pair of us climb the steps. I glance at her, but she doesn't seem to have any more idea than I - she gives a brief shrug.

Well, other than my sister, only Tsuruya and Kintaro have keys. We go to the door and I open it cautiously, only mildly surprised to see Tsuruya and Kintaro there, playing with the reproachful Shamisen.

"Uncle!" Kintaro cheers. "Nagato-san! You're back!"

"Did you have a good trip?" Tsuruya asks, scratching Shamisen beneath his chin.

"Yeah," I agree, shrugging out of my coat and hanging it up, gesturing Nagato in as well. "It was alright - I got some pictures for my sister."

"Did you get me anything?" Kintaro asks hopefully, trying to pretend he's not sleepy.

Oh... I knew I was forgetting something.

"We did," Nagato answers, surprising me. When I turn to look at her, she glances back towards me before looking away and suggesting, "Why not read him a chapter now?"

I start at that, glancing at her sidelong. "What is it?" Tsuruya asks.

Somewhat belatedly, I produce the tome that Nagato gave me earlier, showing it towards Kintaro. His eyes light up. "There's a _book_?" he asks in delight. "Wow!"

"Aha ... alright, are you staying over here tonight, then?" I ask, glancing to Tsuruya questioningly.

She looks uncertain, then gives me an apologetic, pleading nod. No problem, there ... it's a bit reassuring to be missed, even if I was gone only so briefly. "Okay, get ready for bed," I instruct him, pointing towards the washroom.

"Yes!" he cheers, zipping away.

"Was Shami giving you a hard time?" I ask. My sister had agreed to stop by to feed him in exchange for the use of one of her old cameras while I was gone. He shouldn't have gone hungry or thirsty, despite his complaints.

"You know him," she assures me, shaking her head slightly. "Hmm, go set down your bag, relax a bit- I don't want you worn out on account of appeasing Kin-chan."

"Fair enough," I agree. Really, napping on the train has left me restless, so I'm not that tired. I'm sure Kintaro will drift off to sleep mid-chapter somewhere, so I'll have to restart it some other evening - but that's okay. I drop my things off in my room to sort out later, and by the time I return to the living room, Kintaro has just finished setting up his futon in the guest bedroom.

"Ah, I think I'll go help Nagato-chi unpack," Tsuruya says, making me wonder what the two were discussing when my back was turned. "Check in once Kin-chan is asleep?"

I suppose I can do that... But I can't help but think that something is being hidden from me.

Well, maybe there's something Nagato wants to talk about with Tsuruya... I can guess what it might be - more about Haruhi.

"Sure, Tsuruya-san, that sounds fine."

So, Kintaro probably remembers the basic premise from the movie, hopefully he likes the book details too. I don't mind the idea of losing myself in reading him a story for a bit. It's been a long time since I read him something, come to think of it ... there may not be many more chances as he grows older. Really, he could probably read it himself, if he wanted - I doubt there are too many complex characters he hasn't learned yet.

I sit on the floor by his futon and open the book up to the beginning of the story.

"Okay, here we go..."

* * *

When Kintaro is happily asleep, I sneak out of the guest bedroom. The living room is quiet, only Shamisen patrolling the hall when I exit. After a moment of debate, as though he knows I'm heading out, he stalks past me and curls up on the pillow near Kintaro's head.

After that I step out into the cold night air on the balcony and walk to Nagato's back door, knocking quietly. She lets me in immediately, and I pause to look around her apartment.

Other than furniture that Tsuruya and I insisted she get, Nagato didn't see any need to collect much. It makes things a bit easier when I do the weekly cleaning, I suppose... Still, she's got a kotatsu very like the one in her old apartment, and a much more updated tea set. Tsuruya is utilizing both of them when I step into the room.

"Kin-chan's asleep," I report to Tsuruya dutifully, taking a seat between her place at the table and Nagato's. "Anything exciting happen while we were gone?"

"Haruhi said she was sorry to miss you, before she left," Tsuruya notes. "She gave us some very nice gifts before she headed out, and said she would be back in town soon - but didn't know where she's going to be staying." She gives a little shrug at that.

"Hmm," I reply, nodding gratefully at Nagato as she pours me a cup of tea.

Tsuruya then prompts, "So, what did you think of Haruhi? You got along with her well, didn't you?"

"Yeah ... she's calmed down a bit." Well, a lot, really. "Is that what you two have been chatting about?"

Giving me an enigmatic smile, Tsuruya shrugs. "Maybe... Any ideas for the sand garden?"

"Actually, yeah," I agree. "I've got some. Why?"

"Nagato-chi will be joining us for lunch; do you think it will be done by then?"

It can be, if I make that the first priority of the day. "Absolutely. Still ... Kin-chan's alone next door, so I should probably head back." And if I need an early start, I should get to sleep early, too.

"Okay, we can talk about it tomorrow!" Then, since no one else is around - except Nagato - Tsuruya leans close and gives me a powerful hug. "Take care until then, Kyon-kun. I'll see you for lunch, alright?"

I hug her back, nodding, then we break apart and I climb to my feet, heading to the balcony. "Take care until then, Tsuruya-san, Nagato."

"Rest well," Nagato replies, not quite smiling, but not as bothered as she seemed earlier. Well, there's that, at least.

Still ... just the three of us. That takes me back a bit, to the end of those dark times with her husband...

For the first time in many nights, I fall asleep almost instantly once I lie in my bed, dreaming of that past day.


	6. Chapter 5

Later - Chapter Five

A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

By Brian Randall

Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.

Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.

* * *

After what had happened with Kimidori and Asakura, Tsuruya rightfully had questions. And as shaken as I was, there was no way I saw us hiding that something had happened from Nagato, anyway. I felt both of them deserved explanations, and for Tsuruya, a change of scene wouldn't hurt.

As confused as she was, she agreed to come with me to explain things to Nagato.

Nagato let us into her apartment, her eyes shadowed - she hadn't been sleeping well. Or rather ... she'd been trying too hard not to sleep. Once we had assembled in solemn quiet around her table, eerily reminding me of the first time that Nagato and I had met...

Except, this time it was my turn to falteringly explain things to Tsuruya.

Nagato grasped things more easily than I gave her credit for. Her only real concern in everything was that Tsuruya and I could have been injured.

I did edit my retelling of events somewhat on that count. What had been done to me was chilling to recall - no need to relive it. Tsuruya seemed to catch on, but agreed that she owed me a debt of gratitude. In her words she had the strength to fight for a friend, when she wouldn't for herself.

Except, this led to a new difficulty in that Tsuruya's troubles weren't over.

"The problem," Tsuruya told us very quietly, pressing her hands together in that meek, nervous habit she had gained from her time with her husband, "is that the alliances between our families is not considered done."

"Don't tell me it would be better for him to have survived!" I protested.

"M...maybe not," Tsuruya sighed. "Um ... but how to explain this?"

"Don't," Nagato interjected, blinking slightly.

"What, you mean, pretend he just doesn't exist?" I asked, wondering what she was thinking.

"Don't explain this," Nagato elaborated, looking between us. "There is no sign to explain where he went, or what happened to him. We can expect that no evidence will be found. When asked, say only when you saw him last."

"T...that might solves one problem," Tsuruya allowed. "If I understand what you're saying. But then, what about the alliances? With ... my husband gone, and no heir..." She shook her head. "I'll be considered bad lucks for the next heir in his lines, and then ... I've failed my family..."

I didn't personally see much value in family that demanded so much of a person.

"But," Nagato said, her speech pattern only slightly hesitant, "if there is an heir, then this is no longer an issue?"

Tsuruya sighed, setting her teacup down and resting her face in her hands. "If we are lucky," she agreed.

Nagato lost some of the tension that she was holding, saying-

* * *

"Uncle!" Kintaro chirps from the foot of my bed, rousing me from the dream.

I rub my eyes and give him a tired, apologetic smile.

"It's morning!"

"So it is," I agree with a yawn. Checking the clock, I see I've slept in, and we'll have to rush to make it to school on time.

Honestly, it's nothing short of a miracle that he's up when I'm not.

After a hectic, hurried morning, ending with a quick jog to Kintaro's school, I go to the Tsuruya estate for the day's work - starting with the sand garden.

A sand garden does not need to have a poem before it is a design. Sometimes it works out that way, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the inspiration comes from anything.

First of all, upon a casual inspection, the previous design held up through the rain surprisingly well. The old tanuki prints are mostly blurred, but a new set of tracks covers the garden. Thinking about things, that means I can probably expect our visitor to return again, soon. The prints come from the direction of the traditional garden, and describe a wavering course between the central boulder and the two smaller stones.

I settle the sand back into the classical outline first - combing from the walkway between the main building and the guest house towards the traditional garden. I keep the lines as straight as possible, taking extra care to cover over the old tanuki prints, but leave the fresh ones intact. After that, I trace lines describing the creature's path, little ripples radiating from each step. After re-grooming the sand to cover my footsteps, I trace new curves and arcs - the two smaller boulders describe the nearer bank of a river, and the central stone describes the far shore.

Whorls around the trees lead back and away, suggesting a forested hillside above it.

I probably end up spending about four times as long covering my own footsteps as I do just laying out the initial design, but when it's done, well... Clever enough for the time being. The underscored but critical design element is going to be the humane traps that I will set out underneath the walkway and in a few discreet locations throughout the hedges.

I could do something more intricate or meaningful, but unless I miss my guess, there will just be more prints over the next day or two.

"Oh, very nice," Tsuruya remarks from behind me, while I stand I on the walkway and survey my work. "So, 'primacy of nature' takes center stage still, huh?"

When I turn around, I see Tsuruya, with Nagato standing behind her, studying the sand formations intently.

"Yeah," I agree. It's short notice, but since the whole thing is silly anyway:

"Artists love nature.  
"And how does the wild respond?  
"With paw-prints in sand."

Tsuruya chuckles, shaking her head at that before her smile fades. "Um, Kyon-kun, come in for some lunch, won't you?"

I hesitate a moment... While I am afforded significantly more leeway than any of the other staff, I do worry about anything that might reflect poorly on Tsuruya from her extended family. Then again, Nagato is here, so there's nothing to worry about. Before I can step up onto the porch, my cell phone rings.

If Nagato and Tsuruya are both here, the only other person who should normally be calling me should be my sister... Or perhaps, Haruhi?

Two pairs of eyes watch me expectantly as I answer the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, Kyon!" Haruhi cheers from the other end of the phone. She sounds strangely happy. "So, hey, let's get together - I want to meet up with you, Yuki, and Tsu-chan! You're on great terms with them, so I know I can trust you to set it up! Let's say, next Monday?"

"Fine, thanks," I answer. "And you?"

Haruhi's utterly silent for a moment, and I hear a distant speaker blare out the muted name of some train terminal before she laughs. "Yeah, yeah, sorry... But, come on, Kyon, can't you do it? For me?"

I know I'll be free... "No promises on anyone else, but I'll be able to make it," I agree. "I'll call you back once I work out the details, okay?"

"Great!" she enthuses. "My train just pulled up - I'll talk to you later!" And then, just like the Haruhi of old, she hangs up.

Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Shaking my head as I climb up onto the back porch - leaving my shoes on the step - I explain, "Haruhi called - she'd like to meet up for lunch next Monday with the three of us."

I take a seat at the table after Tsuruya sits down, and her maid leaves. The entire surface before us is already covered with dishes. Nagato sits opposite me, with Tsuruya between us.

"Perhaps," Nagato allows quietly, turning a curious look to Tsuruya.

"If I'm free," Tsuruya agrees, shaking her head. "Um... But, Kyon-kun, sorry to be so abrupt - Nagato-chi has something she wants to tell you."

It's something of a surprise that she went to Tsuruya about something before me ... but I guess that's a sign of how much she's grown? "Um, okay," I say, turning to look at Nagato cautiously. "What is it, Nagato? Have you figured out what's going on with Haruhi?"

Turning her face towards me, but unable to meet my eyes for the moment, Nagato shakes her head and says, "Based on my recall of events prior to you and Suzumiya Haruhi parting ways ... my family had not told me of the risks that they related to Koizumi Itsuki, based on your performance on the college admissions test."

I try and process this for a minute, shaken too much to touch the plate before me.

"I don't understand much about Nagato-chi's family," Tsuruya says with a small shake of her head, "but I do know that if they wouldn't take care of Nagato-chi, they must not be very good people."

Tsuruya watches me closely, anxious for some sign of reaction. So ... all of that ... and in the end, my choice was based on a lie that some other member of the IDSE had given Koizumi?

Nagato finally turns her eyes to me, looking upset, uncertain of what she should say or do. "I am sorry," she says quietly. "I did not accurately predict the source of this attack."

Retrospect is a powerful view. I felt almost like I was observing my own body from the present, outside and above myself. Then my gaze went to the past, those years and years ago...

Both of us, not just trying our best and failing, but misled by... Then again, when she had confronted me after I first ran away, what had Kimidori told me?

"I may not understand many of the details," Tsuruya says reluctantly, frowning, "but I would believe that they're responsible if Nagato-chi thinks so. All the same, before this becomes too much about what might have been- As awful as it may be to say, I'm not sad that things turned out the way they did. Otherwise ... things would have been much worse for me."

That's a very good point. I couldn't think of trading Tsuruya's health and happiness away for it. That's enough for me to try and get a grip of my situation, though I don't have much appetite.

Tsuruya doesn't seem to care about that, setting food on my plate anyway. "Nagato-chi said you forgot dinner last night, and I know you rushed breakfast," she chides. "Eat something."

"It's still a bit to take in," I manage, forcing myself to pick at my food. It's very hard not to lose myself in that 'what if,' until I consider Kintaro. That helps settle me the rest of the way. "Ah, but ... that was a life ago." I understand why Nagato was troubled at Koizumi's grave now, at least.

"I couldn't blame you for wanting things to work out better for you, though," Tsuruya says quietly. "But since what's done is done..." She shrugs.

"What are you getting at?" I ask curiously.

"If you were tricked into losing an opportunity ... and then that same opportunity comes back into your life years later, shouldn't you try and take it, if you missed it the first time?" she suggests. "Things have turned out the way they have - but what about the present, and new chances?"

Right. This again. I'm not sure if I want this just after trying to sort out that bit of confusion... But she's right to point out the link. No, wait, wasn't it so long ago it didn't matter?

"My head hurts," I sigh. "Just to clarify...?"

"Come on, Kyon-kun," she says, shaking her head as she smiles. "Like Nagato-chi says... You aren't going to settle down with ... anyone else you know right now." Tsuruya, naturally, is not a viable option; her family wouldn't accept me, even if Kintaro does. If I thought to ask, Tsuruya might not mind for herself - but her family would see it as disrespectful to her husband, at best.

Now, these years later... For Kintaro's sake it's better not to disrupt the arrangement as it stands.

Somehow, I get the idea that these thoughts are foremost in her mind, too, when she asks, "From here, would it really hurt to give Haruhi a chance?"

"What about Kintaro?" I ask. "I mean... I don't like to imagine myself suddenly being less dependable for him. I can't see that you or he would like it much, either."

Tsuruya looks down at her plate, her smile fading. "What I think shouldn't matter, Kyon-kun. And Kin-chan..." She shakes her head. "Unfairly, we've already taken so much of your life-"

"'There is no debt, only gratitude,'" Nagato quotes, speaking for the first time in a long while.

Unable to deny those words, first spoken by myself to Tsuruya a very, very long time ago, now... She gives me a guilty, reluctantly pleased smile, as though embarrassed to be chided by that phrase.

"That all being said- Even if I have to reiterate it a thousand times... Tsuruya-san, you know that it's you, Kin-chan, and Nagato that matter to me."

"And you have no other feelings?" Tsuruya asks doubtfully, giving me a happier, more sincere smile. "Well, fine. But you're not a devoted servant - and when you are, you're not just that. If we're friends, can't I try and look out for you in this way?"

It's a bit to take in, but Tsuruya's viewpoint... Well, she's right, at least a little bit, but for how I feel? I think about this for a minute.

"I'm not about to leap into anything without thinking about what I'm doing very carefully, at this age," I warn the pair of them. Nagato immediately begins to break into her amused 'triumphant' expression, and Tsuruya catches it too, her grin widening.

Am I so obvious, really?

Well ... I suppose to the pair of them, I must be.

"We'll see what Kintaro thinks of it, and then ... well, I've already resolved that I want to try being Haruhi's friend, first. From there ... who knows?" I ask, shrugging.

"Okay!" Tsuruya says cheerfully. "Then enough of this gloomy sulking! I like a bright, happy home, and cheerful friends!"

"Yes," Nagato agrees, losing some of the tension that's been haunting her since the trip to Koizumi's grave.

* * *

After lunch, I get a late start on my other responsibilities - cleaning up the handfuls of loose branches from beneath the cherry trees. Ostensibly, they are 'wild' cherry trees, meaning I don't tend them much. As long as they're free of pests, they grow however they wish, and I never prune them.

On a slower day, I might go through and check for loose falls that are still tangled in the trees - that can happen. Otherwise, I let the winter winds decide which branches need to go. Thanks to the rainfall, there's quite a bit to clean up, but that doesn't bother me.

After taking care of that, I check the shrine garden, which is still in order, and restock the depleted incense. Stealing a glance around, I also take the cleaning cloth from the lowest drawer of the shrine supply chest. For her own reasons - which I approve of, considering things - Tsuruya does not clean her husband's portrait.

All the same, it would be trouble for her family if they visited and saw dust on his picture. And worse, if _his_ family were to come by. I light incense for him, too. There should have been a solution that didn't have to result in death.

Was it Kimidori and Asakura's meddling? Just to prove a point?

It doesn't matter or bear further thinking about, from more than a decade ago. I feel guilty, so I clean his portrait once a week, and burn incense every day. Tsuruya's family sees the signs and attributes it to her.

In the end, she's not quite the devoted widow her family thinks, but they respect her all the more for it. _I_ respect the fact that she doesn't care for her husband. Another instance of things not working out the way we expect, I suppose.

But they did seem to work out.

After finishing up in the shrine, I go back to the traditional garden. Everything seems to be in order, once I feed the koi.

Then I spend some time going around the hedge, noting any places that branches have been broken. More wild animal damage, it looks like, but nothing severe.

Done, I round up all the gardening tools and put them away.

I don't know that it's any proper meditation, but you don't need to be a monk to reflect. Thinking while working, well... That's where the vast majority of my poems usually come from.

Trying to put everything in perspective, I couldn't deny that I was still upset with what had happened. There was no point in being angry at the agents of the IDSE, though - they'd established how far above me they were.

My thoughts go back to Koizumi, another victim of their scheming. And how long ago was that? When had it happened that he finally passed away? I suppose, actually, only three seasons or so after Tsuruya's husband...

A strange thought.

After watering the bonsai, I check myself in a mirror and see how grimy I've become.

I hurry back home without saying anything to Tsuruya - or Nagato, if she's still visiting. When I reach the building, the store is still closed, so my guess is that must still be the case.

* * *

Today is a day for barely keeping schedules. I manage to wash up and change in time to jog to Kintaro's school, thankful for the winter chill and not the summer heat. I get to the gate just in time to catch up with Tsuruya, who looks amused at me before turning her attention to her son.

After Kintaro cheerfully greets the pair of us, we walk back towards the estate. "So, that's where you ran off to, hmm?" she asks.

Kintaro looks curious, then blinks. "That's not what you wore this morning!" he realizes. "Are you going on another trip?"

"No - but I was making up for missing a day, and the rainstorm muddled things up a bit, too," I answer. "Sometimes clean clothes just mean clean clothes."

He pouts briefly before brightening. "But that means you'll still be here. Oh! Is Suzumiya-san going to visit us again, soon? She seemed really nice!"

"Oh-ho- Does Kin-chan have his first crush on someone?" Tsuruya gasps, grinning at her son.

"W...wha..." he starts out, his face suddenly turning bright red. "N...not Suzumiya-san!"

Tsuruya bursts into laughter while I grin and pat his shoulder comfortingly. "Be careful," I warn him, "she's broken a lot of hearts!" Then, while the mood is still there, I tease:

"Though I go to you  
"ceaselessly along dream paths,  
"the sum of those trysts  
"is less than a single glimpse  
"granted in the waking world."

At his confusion, Tsuruya clarifies, "Kokin Wakashu, number six hundred fifty eight, written by Ono no Komachi."

"Maybe we can make a club, then," Kintaro suggests weakly, despite his embarrassment.

It takes me a moment to catch his implications, and when Tsuruya catches my expression at that, her laughter completely escapes containment.

Except ... I can't help but laugh, too.

* * *

Over the next few days, I have a series of adventures, most of them involving captured stray tanuki, which provides a distraction that lets me avoid thinking about things.

First, I find my traps have caught a large, sullen, male tanuki. I put his humane trap - a cage itself, really - in the garden shed and study the creature for a bit, contemplating what to do next.

Without better ideas, I give him water and a handful of dried nuts. Then, realizing I'm tempting fate by closing him in the gardening shed, I make sure the bonsai are secure before heading home.

The next morning, the sand garden is obliterated, and one of the bonsai has been heavily gnawed. I've also caught three smaller tanuki (two in the same cage), and an inconsolable, larger, frenzied female.

The male gives a sullen little huff when his trap is brought down and put next to his mate. Her frenzy only subsides when she has a good view of her three cubs, settling into a series of warning growls.

Tsuruya steps out onto the porch as I contemplate the interlopers and try to decide what to do with them. "Oh, my!" she starts, blinking. "I thought I heard something last night- But this!"

She sets her hands on her hips and studies the cages curiously. "What will you do with them, I wonder?" she muses.

"You just missed it," I apologize to her. Indicating the male's cage, I say, "See... Father Tanuki here, he was upset about his intellectual property - his footprints - being included in a work without his express written permission. He intended to speak it over with me reasonably, but ran afoul of Tsuruya estate security - which as you know, Tsuruya-san, is quite effective."

"And then..." She gestures to the scuffed sand garden. "Mother Tanuki and the children naturally got caught up too? Aww, did they kill that poor bonsai?"

I might have shaken some tanuki cages, were that the case.

"I'll swap it with one of the ones in the shed," I muse, not really annoyed enough to sigh. The tanuki were caught and contained for the moment, so they would have to settle for their uncomfortable prisons while I gave what emergency attention I can to the wounded bonsai, restoring one branch, at least. The other two ... time will tell.

Late in the afternoon, I round up the cages and check their water. The tanuki seem okay, so I pile the cages into a wheelbarrow and don heavy gloves, engaging in a very long trek around to the far side of Tsuruya's family's mountain. I release the animals there with a stern warning not to intrude into Tsuruya's estate.

The male ambles off with a single wary, backwards glance. The cubs flee in terror, vanishing after their presumed father, and the mother angrily tries to bite me through the heavy gloves before she runs after her young. I can't blame her, really, so let her think she's chasing me away from her children.

Admitting to myself that most of the exercise was just to keep myself busy, still trying to avoid thinking about things, I take a very long meandering path back home.

By the time I get back to the Tsuruya estate, it's been cold and dark for a good hour - Tsuruya insists that I wash and warm up at her place before going home. Then, of course, I get a chance to see Kintaro and talk about his school day with him - and tell him about my adventures. Realizing he's missed a chance to see some tanuki (and that I hid one from him in the gardening shed), Kintaro gives me a sullen look until I offer to read him another chapter from his new book.

* * *

The next day is spent readjusting the bonsai in the sand garden, and then needing a new design - 'gardener wrestles tanuki into cages, then replants bonsai' wasn't quite a theme I really felt deserved extended review.

I guess you could say it was tired.

Still, with that convenient distraction, I had time to think about it before I had to start combing the sand. Given the disarray, and all forecasts promising clear skies, I thought that I might have chance to make something lasting.

From chaos, form.

So, I begin with my traditional lateral flowing lines. Then, because I've been doing that far too often, I flip the sand rake over and comb the entire surface of the sand garden immaculately, as flat and level as I can. That done, I switch the rake out for one with larger tines, further apart - this creates larger furrows, but fewer of them. I use this to start defining rings that begin some distance away from the sand garden's objects.

Showing off a bit, I actually _do_ make these large furrows in spirals, all of them uniformly wide - each line circles around its object thirteen and one half times. Counting, this makes exactly one hundred and eight circles, the significance of which I'll leave to viewers to determine.

If they notice.

The space between them is hopelessly ruined by my own trampling, of course, so this calls for the original rake. After a moment of contemplation, I decide that in stark contrast to the order and regularity, that I will fill the remaining space with finer, meaningless, meandering spirals and curls.

It is only shortly after Kintaro returns from school that I finish, surveying my work with satisfaction.

"Hum," he muses studying it very intently. "That's an interesting design, Uncle!"

"Thank you," I acknowledge, moving to sit on the porch and catch my breath. I inadvertently skipped lunch, working on the sand garden.

Tsuruya realizes what I've really been doing, and is able to easily guess that I haven't eaten. Giving me a slightly warning look, though still smiling, she steps to Kintaro's side. "Wash up and eat," she orders. "Your sister is going to be over soon with Nagato - and she _loved_ the tanuki-print design!"

And that will never go into any book in my lifetime, if I can help it.

"Understood," I agree, doing as instructed.

* * *

For various reasons, I'll not go over my time much in Tsuruya's palatial bathing area - suffice to say it's comfortable, and by the time I finish washing and redressing, everyone else has assembled for the weekly 'family' dinner.

It seldom ends up being on the same day from week-to-week, thanks to Tsuruya's business.

Tsuruya sits at one side of the table, with Kintaro to her right, my sister to her left, and Nagato opposite her. Beaming a smile at me, Kintaro scoots to one side, nearer Nagato, making a spot for me - between himself and his mother.

I sit down next to him and accept a bowl of rice from Tsuruya, passing it down around the circle. "I've been thinking very hard about the new arrangement," Kintaro tells me, nodding studiously.

"Me, too!" my sister gushes. "I wanted to get more of the tanuki prints, though..."

"Oh, Kyon-kun has a story about a tanuki family for you!" Tsuruya enthuses, serving a portion of steaming chicken and vegetables onto my plate. "Come on, tell the story!" Reaching across me, she winks and serves some more onto Kintaro's plate. "You'll like this one, Kintaro."

With a little embellishment, the tale of the Tanuki family and their problems with the irritable gardener stretches on for a good bit - now it takes a full night of patient waiting to capture each of the creatures. In addition, each of them has their own bit of documentation for why they should be allowed to remain as good tenants of the Tsuruya estate.

My sister has a faraway look in her eyes as I recount the story, and I wonder what new schemes she might be hatching... Tsuruya chimes in and picks up the thread when the story wavers. This works out very well - I was just being silly, but she finds a clever way to tie the moral of compromise into the story. Which I find insightful again; I was just thinking it was good to move them elsewhere.

An animal control official likely would have done something similar, but Tsuruya's family land is private property, so it would have taken even longer. Still, I suppose I did give them a stern lecture, didn't I?

When Tsuruya ends the story with her characteristic aplomb, Kintaro and my sister both coo in delight and give mild applause.

"I still wish Uncle had let me see the tanuki," Kintaro grumbles, though he's not able to sound really upset.

"I took pictures with my phone," I tell him, which prompts a nod of approval from my sister.

"So!" my sister chirps, a gleam in her eyes. "Kyon - how are you getting along with Haru-nee? She gave me a call yesterday!"

"Well, I was busy with the tanuki trials," I protest. "And before that, our trip. I haven't seen her since the last time we had dinner together."

My sister narrows her eyes at this, then gives a knowing look - first to Nagato, and then to Tsuruya. Kintaro looks thoughtful, but says nothing.

Shrewd of him; I should probably have done the same.

Tsuruya and Nagato exchange a glance of their own, and then Tsuruya changes the subject. "Kin-chan, how was school today?"

* * *

The next few days are calm, since I have little to do at the Tsuruya estate beyond tending the injured bonsai. The branch I had thought I had saved is still doing well. One of the two questionable branches looks like it will hang on, too. The third is less certain, but the plant will survive.

The tanuki family doesn't return, so my work in the sand garden remains intact - for now. In that time I do manage to arrange another lunch meeting with Haruhi, Nagato, and Tsuruya.

For old time's sake, since we're meeting at the train station anyway, Nagato, Tsuruya and I wait for Haruhi to emerge from the terminal and jog towards us. "Hey!" she cheers, coming to a halt a few steps away from the trio of us, grinning. She's overdressed for the cold - wearing a heavy coat, scarf, and mittens.

"Hello!" Tsuruya chirps, giving Haruhi a brighter grin in return, unashamedly grabbing the slightly shorter woman in a hug. "Glad to see you again, Haruhi!"

"Aw... Thanks, Tsu-chan," Haruhi giggles, when the taller woman releases her from the hug. "Kyon! Yuki!"

It's not like we were apart nearly as long as it was the last time we met, Haruhi...

At my side, Nagato watches Haruhi with something that looks like mild amusement. Haruhi seems to catch my unspoken criticism and sniffs, remarking, "Last time wasn't very cheerful - I wanted to make a brighter memory of being reunited with some of my favorite people!"

"Fair enough. It's good to see you as well," I agree, smiling at that sentiment. It is a nice idea, after all.

"So, where are we going?" Haruhi asks, glancing about, as though some obvious clue were to spring out. As it happens one should have, and she misses it.

Nagato wordlessly gestures across the street to indicate the old cafe where we used to hang out.

Haruhi's smile falters for a moment as she sees it, before her eyes turn distant. "Wow, come to think of it," Haruhi realizes aloud, "we're really all that's left of the old SOS Brigade, aren't we?"

"Oh!" Tsuruya remarks. "I remember that! Your club?"

Haruhi had actually declared that Tsuruya's honorary membership had been revoked at one point. She hadn't told Tsuruya, because they weren't speaking - and Tsuruya was in her first year of college, with us in our last year of high school. Haruhi doesn't quite look guilty, but looks nervously evasive. "Oh, but ... that old thing... I suppose the SOS Brigade was gone when Kyon and Yuki left," she muses. "I guess maybe, really, it would have gone with them more than me.

"I wanted to build the kind of group that wanted to stick together always - even if I might be busy with other things. In a way, I didn't do it quite right, but maybe it did work out! The three of you did just that - stuck together without me." She hesitates, about to say more, then shrugs. "Well, it seems a little late to try and call it an SOS Brigade reunion right now, anyway. Instead, the idea of some friends together, that seems like it should be fine too, right?"

"It is ... exciting, but not distressing," Nagato allows quietly, when Haruhi's questioning gaze fixes on her.

"Right!" Haruhi says brightly, circling around and putting one arm around Nagato's shoulder. "So, Yuki! Today, you will be treated by me - a pleasant change from being treated by this guy, huh?"

"Different," Nagato agrees, when Haruhi cheerfully hauls her forward, through the crosswalk.

Tsuruya chuckles, then falls into step beside me as we follow. Ahead of us, Haruhi's banter continues, occasionally interspersed with Nagato's concise commentary. "It's good ... Nagato-chi seemed nervous around Haruhi before," she whispers at me with a bright smile. "This is better, right?"

I think so, too.

* * *

After a peaceful lunch, which primarily consists of Haruhi giggling as Tsuruya recounts the - now legendary - tale of the tanuki family, and Haruhi enjoying restored familiarity with Nagato, Tsuruya stretches and checks her cell phone. "Oh, I have a meeting this afternoon," she says with an apologetic grin. "Um, Kyon-kun, it's short notice, but...?"

"Understood," I answer, nodding. Haruhi looks between us curiously, then turns to Nagato, just finishing the last of her bubble tea. Tsuruya winks, then bows, promising Haruhi, "I'll see you for dinner tonight, I'm sure."

Haruhi looks slightly startled, turning a questioning gaze to me. "I'll be taking care of Kintaro tonight," I elaborate to her.

She relaxes, nodding in satisfaction, then gathers her mittens and scarf. "But why does Tsu-chan think we'll be seeing each other at dinner?" she wonders.

I wonder why she left that bulky coat on all through the meal. Still... Knowing something that Haruhi wants to know is a surprisingly fulfilling sensation. Even after all this time. "This is Tsuruya-san's guess that you will be having dinner at my place," I suggest.

Nagato nods. "Yes," she agrees, seeming to think that just body language didn't do it justice.

Haruhi blinks, and looks simultaneously embarrassed and satisfied. "So then ... back to your place?" she asks.

"Sure," I agree.

We settle the check and walk back to Nagato's building, and she leaves us to tend her bookstore. Haruhi hesitates for a moment at the base of the stairs, when the door swings shut and Nagato is striding between the aisles to her desk. "Did you want to visit with Nagato more?" I ask, suspecting that she does.

"Ah," Haruhi starts, shaking her head. "W...well..."

"It's alright," I assure her. "She does want to do her work, though - how about this? Since I won't be much of a host dragging you across town to pick up Kintaro, why don't you visit with her once I have to go get him?"

"I'd really actually like to walk with you, instead," she defers, shaking her head.

Oh ... wow. Is what Tsuruya and Nagato have been telling me true?

No, no... Calm down. One step at a time - otherwise I'll trip going up the stairs.

"That should be fine, too." And then, even though I shouldn't tease Kintaro, and such a comment might well be a double-edged sword, I add, "Poor little guy's got a crush on you, I think."

Haruhi laughs at that and rolls her eyes as I unlock the door to my apartment and gesture her to the kotatsu. "Don't be silly!" she complains. "Really ... at his age, why would he have a crush on me? He's only seen me a few times!"

I decide not to push the teasing further. After turning the kotatsu on and preparing tea, I sit with Haruhi. It reminds me of those times very long ago ... but more, it reminds me of the last time we sat together, discussing our pasts. "So, what else did you want to catch up on?" I wonder. There's still things I haven't explained to her - and some I probably never will - but the vast majority of it has been disclosed.

"Well ... I guess I kind of had a question," Haruhi hedges, frowning. "But now that we're here, it feels awkward to ask about it." It seems unlike her to let a little thing like that slow her down. "I suppose there's nothing for it, then! Kyon, didn't you ever want to get married? Didn't you ever want to try and settle down?"

There it is.

Wait, why is that important?

"Um ... well, at first I might say it was because my training was tough, and then when I first started out ... working on the estate was surprisingly stressful, too. Add in the time I was spending working for Nagato..." I shrug, sipping my tea. "I was busy - and in a situation that was difficult to explain."

And to be honest, I had much bigger concerns around then... "I would guess ... around the time Kin-chan was born I realized that it might have been an issue, but the way my life was going..." I shrug again. "Well ... then I somewhat became stuck. I have Nagato, who is like a sister to me, and Kin-chan, who is like family, too- And I'm not on good terms with my own family. That's not a good basis to approach a woman, is it?"

"Your sister made good arguments for it," Haruhi notes, smirking slightly. "And then, I suppose I'm asking things that I shouldn't - it's not my business, is it? Let me explain myself anyway, though. I only asked that question because ... for most people, I think, that's a very important thing in their life, right?"

"I would say so," I agree, stifling a small sigh. This reminds me of another speech from Haruhi, a long time ago. "Companionship, right?"

"Well ... for most people, that's probably because that's what they think they need to be happy," she explains. "And who knows if they're right or wrong - that doesn't matter. They're just looking to be ... well ... happy. And since you're important to me, I want you to have that. You really do seem happy now, too... Like before we finished high school-" She cuts herself off with a fake cough as her voice thickens.

I pour her some more tea as she recovers herself. "S...so, there's that," she concludes, staring at the table like she wanted to say something else, and couldn't quite find the words.

"I appreciate that, Haruhi," I answer after a moment. Strange that less than a week ago, I was at Koizumi's grave, wishing he'd been happy, since he was my friend. "I guess that's friendship, though. What about you, Haruhi? Have you been happy?" Somehow, I think she deserves that, too.

She rubs at one temple and shakes her head. "The answer to that question is very long," she warns me.

I give her my best smile and nod at the clock. "I have time, Haruhi; you're staying for dinner, right?"

She chuckles at that, nodding - some of her tension fades. "Okay, then. So, I don't want to say that I'm unhappy, because that gives a wrong impression. I've _been_ happy, at various times, but for me, the hard part is figuring out what I want to be happy, right?"

I nod, thinking I can follow that. If you don't understand yourself, that makes things much harder, doesn't it?

"Well ... at first... With Koizumi, for a while I thought what I wanted was to be successful," she says uncertainly. "Even if it wasn't in the business world. I mean, I still wanted more than anything to make a mark on the world - to change it for the better. Koizumi ... he meant well, but just ... couldn't keep up..." She shakes her head and I refill her teacup, frowning to realize that the teapot is already empty.

Has it been so long already?

While I rise to make more tea, Haruhi follows me into the kitchen. "This long in the past, I don't think you should blame yourself for that," I tell her as I refill the kettle. "He did choose to be with you on his own, didn't he?" Even if it was motivated by my flight...

Her face shifts to a sour grimace. "Maybe it's pointless ... but I still hope that somehow, he got a second chance - maybe another life that works out a little better," she remarks. She sighs, shaking her head. "But if it's wishful thinking... I'd like to think that you could have made it if you had tried that third time."

Sharp as always, Haruhi...

"A pleasant possibility and a distant dream, side-by-side," I remark. Then I shrug. "But this is how things are."

She nods moodily. "Anyway... After that I tried to figure out what I wanted to be happy on my own. And that was trying to make my mark on the world. That's why I got into the movie industry, for a while."

I nod in return, setting the electric kettle on the counter and turning it on. "It seemed to me you could have continued, making many more movies, if you wanted," I agree. "But then, the Haruhi I knew would get bored of that fairly quickly."

"And I did!" she says, brightly. "But I tried it - and I decided that even though I learned a lot about it, and it was fun, I wasn't going to be the ultimate actress and leave my mark that way."

"So, what did you do after acting, then?" I prompt her.

"I went over to Kyon's apartment and beat the stories he owed me out of him!" she said in warning, waggling her eyebrows before she began chuckling at my expression. "Haha! That face! Always, that face!"

I don't have a mirror handy, but evidently me looking unimpressed has special significance for Haruhi. Who knew?

She laughs harder, then tugs at the collar of the heavy sweater she is wearing. "Aha, oh, sorry... Hehe... But you do owe me a story, absolutely!"

"My business with the tanuki doesn't count?" I muse, giving her a teasing smile.

"Well, that counts, but you owed me more than one!" She shakes her head, still smiling. "Come on!"

"What story would you want?" I wonder aloud. "It's sad to say, but I haven't exactly led a life of adventure that would be more worth talking about." I pause to turn off the kettle when it's done, and she watches me pour the water in silence for a moment. "So ... after running away, I met up with Tsuruya and Nagato, and maybe it's a bit boring, but since then ... we've pretty much just stayed here - anything else I have to tell, you've already read in my poetry books."

"What about Kintaro?" she prompts me. "I know that you and Tsu-chan are friends, but ... was it a request of her husband's? Plus ... I can't get anything out of her on what happened to him, either!"

I gesture her back into the living room, and we both sit at the table. Shamisen is sitting at another cushion between us, his paws on the table as he surveys it, searching for some trace of a snack he shouldn't be stealing.

"I've already told you it's not my place to explain that," I remind her with a shake of my head.

"Then just tell me what I'd find if I researched it myself - or I will," she warns me.

Humph. This isn't that surprising. "If you insist," I sigh, shaking my head. "For what it's worth, he spent much of his time traveling, frequently unannounced. More, I can't tell you, because it's simply not known. He vanished, and no trace of him has yet been found. As it happened, until Tsuruya-san discovered she was pregnant and there was no way to reach him, there had been no real reason to report that he'd been missing."

That's close enough to the truth ... though, I feel more troubled than ever before, repeating this old story.

"So he's missing!" Haruhi says in surprise, her eyes widening.

"I believe he is gone," I say, shaking my head. "While Tsuruya waited more than five years, the law believes he is gone, as well. I hope that settles your curiosity; this isn't something we like to speak of."

Haruhi looks briefly stung, then looks away. "I can understand that," she says quietly. "I shouldn't have pried..."

"I really do wish I had more I could tell you," I apologize, rubbing at my temples. "Ah, when you finish your tea, we should head out to meet Kintaro." After I say that, I realize how true it is. I don't like having to conceal things from Haruhi like this ... I suppose it reminds me too much of those earlier times, back in high-school.

She nods in understanding and drinks her tea quickly. "Right," she agrees, rising and grabbing her heavy coat.

As we step through the doorway of my apartment I try to lighten the mood by teasing her, "When did Suzumiya Haruhi become so self conscious? Are you trying to hide your figure?"

I expect a scowl or a snort - what I get is a briefly panicked look before she puts that mask into place and laughs again. "We're all getting older," she says in answer, stepping ahead of me before stopping, realizing she doesn't know the way. "Shame on you, though - mocking a woman's figure! You have no class!"

I don't feel real heat in her voice, just mild anxiety. Still ... enough is enough.

"Putting aside fairness, I overstepped certain bounds to answer your question-"

"Okay, fine," she sighs, before I can finish. "I probably haven't been- Augh!" She stomps one foot and shoots an annoyed, hurt look at me. "You _were_ always the one who could see right through me. You've figured out there's something I'm not telling you, but let's make a deal, huh? Just let me keep this secret for the moment, alright?"

I stare at her for a while and mull that over. That's her standard directness ... but it's also somewhat surprising to me once I think about it. Have Haruhi's emotions ever been this visible to me before? Not knowing is worrisome, and I really _do_ wonder what she's hiding.

"No," I answer, which startles her. "Haruhi, you can tell me, or you can choose not to. Whichever it is, I'd rather you told me because you felt I should know, not because I twisted your arm and forced it out of you." I shake my head and point out the road we're going to go down to reach Kintaro's school. "As long as whatever it is you're keeping to yourself won't hurt any of the people I care about, then it's fine, isn't it?"

"Ah," Haruhi manages, her voice strangely thick. "T...that's..." She allows a sound to escape, somewhere between a giggle and a sob. "Okay... Well, then ... thanks, Kyon." Then she grabs my arm again, just like she did the first time I walked her to my place from Tsuruya's. "You forgot your coat again."

I give her a sidelong look, unable to see her face, since she's looking away.

* * *

Maybe unsurprisingly, given my decision not to press Haruhi for details she didn't want to speak of, we pretty much just make small-talk after picking up Kintaro, and then on through dinner.

It's only when Tsuruya and her son leave, just Nagato, Haruhi, and I, that I get the sense she wants to reveal anything new. "So," she says, wrapping her hands around her teacup. "Um ... Yuki, I asked this of Kyon ... and I'll answer for myself, too, but I am curious."

Nagato turns to regard Haruhi with mild curiosity.

"What I'd like to ask is ... if you ever thought of having children?" Haruhi asks cautiously.

"I cannot," Nagato answers simply.

Haruhi's eyes widen, and her mouth opens in surprise. "O...oh," she says quietly. I suppose that is a bit of a shock ... but it's a fact that Nagato's been aware of her entire existence.

"Well, then, what about you, Haruhi?" I ask, shaking my head. "What's this all about, then?"

Shifting somewhat uncomfortably, she peers into her teacup. "Well, as it happens, I dated a little bit after ... things didn't work out with Koizumi. But none of that worked out, either. Strange as it may be to say, I kind of learned that I'm not really 'relationship' material." She gives a sad shrug. "By the time I was done with my acting career, ready to move on to other things, I kind of just quit worrying about it. I don't know. I moved into art - I tried painting, sculpting ... singing for a while.

"When ENOZ broke up, Zaizen Mai and I formed a duet for a time, too." Looking up, she explains, "All trying to leave that 'mark' I wanted in the world... I tried breaking records, trying to be the first person to do something." She gives a half-hearted smile. "I did get some accolade, I guess, but really, that didn't feel right, either.

"I mean, the point of making a mark on the world is leaving behind something that makes people look at it and recognize how amazing it is... S...so, about, um, three months ago, while I was at a three-day artist's retreat - at a privately owned remote island...

"Oh, it was amazing, though - fire art was the theme. Entrance was fairly exclusive; only three hundred attendees, and no media contacts. In order to attend, everyone had to submit a work of art or some performance." She pauses for a second, seeming to consider something as she gives me a hesitant look. "H...have you ever gone to such a thing?"

"I've never left Japan, and the only other island I've gone to was, well, with you, actually," I tell her, shrugging. "Unless you count Hokkaido."

"You mean specifically that first summer break of high school, right?" Haruhi asked, raising an eyebrow. "Not some other time?"

"Of course." I laugh softly, shaking my head. "Why, did you think I was at your retreat?"

"Everyone was wearing a mask," she answers, shaking her head. "So ... who could say?"

"I absolutely haven't gone to such an event," I assure her. "I know I would remember it if I had."

She stares at me with unnerving intensity for a long, silent minute, her eyes boring into mine before she nods, seeming somehow disappointed. "There was ... probably one of the most brilliant poets I've ever seen," she finally says, her eyes distant as Nagato refills her teacup. "Even though the theme was fire, he engaged some twenty other people in a circle in a kind of round-robin poetry... It was..." She sighs again. "I can't do it justice, and to be completely honest, well..." She turns and gives me a hesitantly curious look. "Do you know what kava is?"

It sounds vaguely familiar, but honestly, I don't. I shake my head apologetically and glance to Nagato.

Concise as always, Nagato answers, "A naturally occurring sedative; piper methysticum. Commonly consumed by grinding, pulverizing, and hydrating the plant root."

"Right," Haruhi agrees, frowning. "Though, that makes me sound especially foolish... I don't much like drinking, but I tried to be open to new things, you know?"

"Hold up," I say, putting a hand out. "Let me get this straight... You were doing some kind of drug at this event?" Given some time to think about it, I actually do remember the plant - Nagato's casual memorization of the Latin name helps. I don't think it grows naturally in Japan - or legally, for that matter.

How remote was this island? What kind of crazy artists were these people?

She winces, looking away from my face upon seeing my expression. "Well, it certainly affected my judgment," she admits quietly. "Don't ever think that's the kind of thing I'd do regularly - but I won't really say anything in defense of it, either. Not at this point. At any rate, the poet who had coordinated the circle challenged anyone to match him ... it was almost a renga, actually.

"He met every verse with an answer in the same style. The theme was fire, so he said, 'burn my words, and watch art spring anew from the ashes.'" She sighs again, giving a terse shake of her head. "He seemed familiar, somehow, like someone I knew from ... a long, long time ago. You have no idea how much I wish I had a recording of those poems, now..." She's silent, wistfully remembering that time.

"Anyway," she says abruptly, returning to the present, "people came and went, but the inner circle got smaller as people slowly admitted defeat, and in the end, it was ... well, just him and I.

"I can't ... especially defend what happened after that," she says uncomfortably, looking away from both Nagato and I. "And keep in mind that this was after three bowls of kava, at least. S...so, after that, and because I still wanted to make a mark on the world, wh...what happened is, um..."

She heaves a brief sigh, then turns to regard me directly, giving a scared and simultaneously hopeful smile.

"W...well," she says, "I'm pregnant."


	7. Chapter 6

Later - Chapter Six

A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

By Brian Randall

Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.

Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.

* * *

Nagato's empty teacup slips from her fingers and bounces off the edge of the table, deflected on a spinning course into the kitchen. She stares at Haruhi intently, and I wonder what she's thinking.

It takes me a minute of thinking about things to react while she fidgets nervously, uncertain if she should chase after the teacup, or try and say something to Nagato. For myself, well ... Haruhi's behavior certainly makes more sense. Even if people on the whole have become much more tolerant than they have been, the life of an unwed mother in Japan is not an easy one.

I can imagine, then, her explaining her situation to her parents, hoping for support, and not getting it. In that state ... did she have no other friends she trusted for help in that situation?

"Well, that's explains some things, Haruhi," I manage to say, rising from the table. "Nagato?"

"I am surprised," she says quietly, turning to look at the table before her and bowing her head, seeming a little disappointed. "I did not foresee this."

Haruhi looks even more uncomfortable, shifting away from the table. "A...ah, well..."

I start, "I'll make some more tea-"

"No," Nagato decides, shaking her head. "I will."

I nod acknowledgement as Nagato rises, taking the empty tea pot and pursuing the dropped cup.

"S...sorry," Haruhi says weakly, looking strangely ashamed.

"For what?" I ask, retaking my seat.

"I-" She cuts off abruptly and makes a vague gesture. "Just for ... dropping in and ... well. Dropping this on you so suddenly."

"Yes, well ... hiding it until now was sure sudden," I reply with mild sarcasm, trying to give her a comforting smile anyway.

Her face colors at that.

"Now, now... Alright. So, let me guess, then... You're planning on keeping the baby?"

She nods, still not meeting my eyes. "I was ... really hoping that my parents..." She shrugs uncomfortably.

"Well, congratulations, at least," I tell her, leaning forward and resting my elbow on the table, and my chin on one hand. "Is that what all of your investigating Nagato and I was about, then? You're hoping for help with this endeavor?"

This is actually something I'm familiar with.

She gives an uncertain nod. "L...let me try and explain myself, because this is something I'm not really happy about, but I feel it's true... Ah ... in the same way I figured out that ... I'm not the kind of person who could ever find someone to settle down with..." She shifts her shoulders, and I wonder at that sentiment from her.

More honest than some people I knew from middle school, but distressingly lacking in confidence, for Haruhi.

"It's not like I didn't _try_," she says, somewhat defensively at my silence.

I shake my head ... were my thoughts so obvious? "That's not it," I say, anyway. "What is this in the 'same way as?'"

"Well..." Haruhi sighs, looking genuinely distraught. "I'd make a terrible parent, Kyon," she says, shaking her head. "J...just like my own, really, except there's only one of me! T...that's what the problem is... I know I _want_ this," she explains, gesturing to her abdomen, "b...but... Oh... I don't even know what I want with my own life, beyond this! S...so, I'm afraid of this responsibility!"

"I can imagine," I agree. "Tsuruya-san was scared, too ... after all, with her husband absent..." I shrug as Nagato returns, her eyes flicking to me at that last statement before turning to Haruhi.

The quiet woman puts the tea set down at the table, then sits, refilling Haruhi's teacup and then my own before setting a clean cup on the table for herself. She glances between Haruhi and I, but has nothing to say for the time being.

"Well. Maybe it won't have to be that way; what about finding ... the father? Doesn't he at least deserve to be aware, as well? He might have some interest in helping..." Haruhi starts shaking her head midway through my suggestion.

"I don't know who he is," she complains, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Believe me, more than _anything_, I'd want to find him and tell him... If I could - I would be telling him about this _right now_!" She's so worked up it takes her a moment to calm herself down, her energy draining away over a few deep breaths as she blinks away the moisture in her eyes - accepting another handkerchief from me with a half-hearted smile of thanks.

Once she's regained her composure, she continues, "But the whole point of the masks was anonymity ... the theme was fire, right? 'Here in a flash, and then gone.' There aren't any records, or anything like that. I mean ... I tried asking the owner, and I put some real pressure on her, but all I got for my trouble was an admission that they don't have any clue, and then blacklisted from further events."

"Surely, there's still _some_ form of guest list?" I ask, frowning. I don't know about the legality of obtaining it, but there had to be some record... "Or, couldn't you ask other people you know who were invited?"

"Fire theme was right," Haruhi says, somewhat bitterly, shaking her head and looking away. "I burnt some bridges pursuing that, and found that I'd reached a genuine dead-end... As far as anyone I knew could tell, well... T...this poet wasn't actually invited. So ... nobody knows who he even is! What am I supposed to do, take out a classified ad?

"'Me: One of two finalists in a poetry competition at a secret island gathering. You: A party-crasher and the other finalist. Also: I'm pregnant, call me'!"

"Possibly," Nagato murmurs.

Haruhi gives her a mildly surprised look at that.

"A joke," I remark, giving an apologetic smile. "If you say you've investigated, and nothing came up, it must be true."

"I did try!" Haruhi protests, her voice slightly unsteady. Then she sighs, hanging her head. "Stupid hormones..."

Which also helps explain why an experienced actress like Haruhi let as many clues slip as she had, ultimately.

"I'll apologize now if I bring up anything you've already considered," I offer.

"I have everything covered except actually being a good parent," Haruhi mutters. "T...that's what... This is a lot to ask, I know, but... It's so strange, just like in high school, Kyon is the most reliable person I can go to with my biggest problems... U...um, what I want to ask is ... for y...you and ... maybe Yuki ... to raise my child."

I set my teacup down heavily and close my eyes, sighing.

This, too, is just like Haruhi. Dropping the work she can avoid on me and her other friends.

No! No... That's not fair.

I've been nothing more than a cowardly run-away in my own past, regardless of the reasons why that happened. How much of Haruhi's outlook is my fault, anyway? My roots go deep at this point; I'll stand my ground and weather what comes.

But if I do ... she had better do the same.

"Let me just say that I feel you give up much of your right to call a child your own, if you can't even be part of raising it," I tell her flatly. "Long, long before there's any chance that I answer your request one way or another, you had better be _damn_ certain that you're willing to give that up." I open my eyes and see her trembling, plucking at the edge of the kotatsu's cloth nervously.

"G...guess you can swear after all," she says shakily, forcing a smile. "I ... I do know..."

I sigh, rising from where I was sitting and moving to her side, setting a hand on her shoulder. The woman settles immediately at my touch. "Haruhi, I want to be your friend. I want to help you through this. I know you must be very conflicted right now ... and I'd like to be supportive for you. I don't mean to cause you undue stress, but can you answer a question for me? I'll warn you right now, it's a difficult one."

"Yeah," she says quietly, seeming to draw strength from our contact.

"If you want to make your mark on the world, why don't you want to be part of raising your own child?"

Her eyes tear up, and she gives me a heartbreakingly sad smile. "I can't," she whispers, shaking her head. "Don't you get it? I've put a _lot_ of thought into this... I know that ... sometimes I act too energetic for a lot of people to keep up with. Look at what happened to Koizumi!

"I'm _not_ very patient, and I get bored easily... Any child I tried to raise would have to raise themselves more than I would; I'd be an absentee parent at best, neglectful, short-tempered-"

She hiccups and shakes her head before continuing, "D...don't get me wrong... I may never be the kind of person who can settle down with someone else... And because of that, all I could ever really offer my child is love, and all the money I've saved - and those two things alone are not enough! I want to give him or her the benefit of a proper upbringing with ... someone patient, kind, wise - someone with a good temperament, and...

"To be honest, that's what I was originally going to beg Tsu-chan for help with. B...but... I saw how important you are to Kintaro - like the father he never met..."

She shakes her head as Nagato shifts in her seat, refilling Haruhi's tea with a look of intense concentration.

"I know that just because you _can_ doesn't mean you _want_ to... But as always, Kyon is the most reliable person I know ... the one who ... through some miracle, happens to be the exact person I would look for, r...right when I need him most! I would ... want to visit, you know. And absolutely, I would do my part and cover all of the expenses - like I said, those are the two things I know I can give.

"I know it for a fact, though ... that I would be awful at it," she sighs in conclusion.

"You absolutely believe this?" Nagato asks.

"Absolutely," Haruhi confirms, raising my hankerchief to her eyes to dab at her tears as she blushes, unable to meet my gaze.

Heaving a sigh, I go back around the table and take my own seat. If Haruhi has really convinced herself that it's true...

Well, no. You don't need any kinds of powers at all to fail at something you've come to believe you can't do.

If it's possible to change that outlook, it's not going to be accomplished in a single night. More than anything else, there needs to be a basis of stability for that to happen. Something Haruhi probably had not gotten much of - especially after she parted with Koizumi.

"You have a place to stay for now?" I ask.

"I'm up in a hotel for the moment," she answers, shaking her head. "I'll get an apartment in town somewhere, I guess..."

"You don't have a home?" I ask in mild surprise.

"Legally, with my parents," she says, grimacing. "Because I traveled so much, it just made sense... As things are now, that won't really work, though, will it? I keep all of my things in a storage locker in town."

"I see..." I heave a sigh, and offer her the strongest smile I can. "This must be difficult. I'm not going to make any promises, like I said, but as a friend ... let me offer to let you stay here, at least for a while." I give her a small shake of my head at her startled look. "You may be fine, now, but having helped Tsuruya-san through this once already, I'm guessing I know what's in store for you better than you do, for the moment."

Her cheeks redden, like a much younger girl's, but she nods, managing a grin anyway.

Nagato looks briefly troubled, then says, "I have a spare room. This may be more suitable, as Tsuruya Kintaro frequently uses the guest bedroom here."

Haruhi looks much more surprised at this, turning to face Nagato. "A...are you sure, Yuki?" she asks hesitantly.

Nagato gives her tiny nod at that. "This is likely only acceptable as a mid-term solution, due to the stairs," she adds.

"Unfortunately true," I agree.

"Bah, I don't care how much weight I'll end up putting on, I can handle _stairs_," Haruhi grumbles, crossing her arms over her chest as her blush fades.

"You are making an assumption that we will _let_ you," I warn her sternly. "If you can't be troubled to take care of yourself..."

She startles at that, then gives me a lopsided grin. "Alright," she acquiesces. "You're the expert..."

Hmm. I suppose between the two of us, I am...

Nagato rises from the table. "Wait here. I will prepare the guest bedroom," she announces, marching to the balcony door.

Haruhi watches her leave, then turns to look at me, giving me a grateful smile. "Um ... Kyon? I just wanted to say ... thank you for being so reliable."

"As much as you've been saying that, I'm not sure I'm very reliable," I answer, giving a mild shake of my head. "Given ... well."

"Bullshit," she counters, her smile gaining more of her characteristic confidence. "That's what Yuki said made her stick with you."

Come to think of it ... that's true, isn't it?

Haruhi isn't done, though, continuing, "Look at Kintaro; you're absolutely that! So you disappointed one selfish girl a decade and a half ago - you've made three other people incredibly happy for almost that entire length of time. I can see that much... And ... reading between the lines, Yuki wants to talk to you in private for a bit." She shakes her head before I can protest and adds, "That's fine, though; I _am_ the one who came to you with my problems so unexpectedly."

All I can really do is shrug at that.

Shortly enough Nagato returns to escort Haruhi to her room. To my surprise, before she follows Nagato out, Haruhi lunges at me, catching me in a tight hug. "Thanks again," she whispers, before leaving.

Nagato watches wordlessly and returns a few minutes later, after I finish cleaning up.

The pair of us sit at the table in silence for a long while, lost in our thoughts.

This doesn't bother me. In fact, it's become comforting over the years; silences with Nagato aren't troublesome.

After a few minutes, she turns to look at me. "I am sorry," she says quietly.

"It's hardly your fault," I remind her.

"I am sympathetic," she says instead. Shifting slightly, she adds, "This was not expected."

"The clues were there ... we just missed it," I note with a shrug.

Nagato's head lowers slightly in contemplation. After a few minutes, she surmises, "You will attempt to help her."

"I seem to have a soft spot for pretty women in trouble and their children, don't I?" I sigh, hanging my head. "I'm really not at all certain I'm happy with the idea of Haruhi dumping a child on me and then running off to live the rest of her life, though."

Nagato gives a small nod at that.

"Really ... what I'd like to do more than anything else is try and convince her that she _can_ raise her own child. She just said that she knew that just because you can do something, doesn't mean you want to, right? So ... maybe that's really the issue."

In response, Nagato gives a slow, thoughtful nod. Looking slightly away, she agrees, "There is time."

* * *

When the morning comes around, I wake up early from a restless sleep. With time to spare, I make breakfast for Nagato and myself, remembering only at the last moment to make an extra portion for Haruhi. The pair of them come over, Haruhi still rubbing at her eyes sleepily as they sit at the table.

After we finish eating, Haruhi turns to Nagato and asks, "Do you always eat at Kyon's place, Yuki?"

"I do not enjoy cooking," Nagato answers.

"She can, though," I note, gathering up the dishes. Winking, I add, "Our lazy little Nagato just doesn't like to. It's curry from her, almost every time."

"Kyon!" Haruhi yelps in protest, her eyes widening. "Saying something like that to Yuki - to Yuki-chan!"

"It is true," Nagato says quietly, sipping at her tea, accepting the change in address from Haruhi without remark.

Haruhi's taken aback by that, looking at Nagato speculatively.

I explain, "She could probably be a better cook than me, but..." I shrug. "As it works out, Nagato wouldn't let me cook for her every meal, normally."

"So, if this is your building," Haruhi asks slowly, giving Nagato a thoughtful look, "is it that Kyon does your housework and cooks for you instead of paying rent, Yuki-chan?"

Sipping her tea, Nagato raises her right hand and gives Haruhi a silent thumbs-up, which prompts the woman to burst into laughter.

After leaving the dishes in the kitchen, I return to the living room and check the clock. "Ah," Haruhi starts. "You have to get to work?"

Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I have to do some shipping for Nagato today, too. "I was thinking about meeting up with Tsuruya-san and Kin-chan before he gets to school," I say with a shake of my head. "If you were up to speaking with her, at least."

Haruhi shakes her head uncertainly, plucking at her outfit. "I'd like to get my things and wash up, first," she defers. "Um ... but I do have to tell her. Ah, I have some errands to run... I can depend on you to find an opportunity for me to explain things to Tsu-chan, right?"

I force down a sigh. "I'll see what I can work out and give you a call," I assure her. "Alright ... enjoy your tea and have a nice day, you two. I'll be back later."

They nod at me as I leave them in my apartment.

* * *

After meeting with Kintaro and Tsuruya for the daily walk to school, the woman raises her eyebrows, looking at me sidelong. Once we're out of earshot of Kintaro, or any of his classmates, she adopts a slightly predatory smile and asks, "Haruhi stayed after dinner last night, hmm?"

I nod in answer, not meeting her eyes.

"Ah..." She sighs. "Your step isn't light enough for what I hoped, is it?"

I almost stumble at that... Somehow, she has a knack for picking exactly the right words - or exactly the wrong moments to deliver them. The amused glint in her eyes at my antics doesn't fade in the slightest, though her expression takes on a slightly more sympathetic cast.

After huffing a terse sigh of my own, I shake my head. "For the moment, my troubles increase, Tsuruya-san. She will explain things to you, but evidently I've managed to reclaim my ancient and hallowed position of Haruhi's 'odd jobs man.'"

Tsuruya's smile vanishes instantly. "I can't like how tense you are from that," she notes.

Am I?

No reason to really think about it; she must be right.

Trying to make myself relax a bit, I give a reluctant nod. "I'm in a bit of a spot... It's nothing I can't get out of, though. Haruhi wants to explain things to you, and that's fallen to me to arrange." I shrug. "Then ... well. We can jump off that bridge when we get to it."

"Hmm," Tsuruya hums thoughtfully, her eyes distant. We walk in silence back to her estate, but inside the gate, where no one can overhear us easily, she shakes her head and says, "I especially can't like that. _I_ will call Haruhi and arrange that meeting." She gives a judicious nod and smiles at me. "So! Let that responsibility trouble you no more!"

"Gladly," I agree, giving her a grateful smile. "Thank you for that much, Tsuruya-san."

Her smile is a bit more amused at that. "Haruhi should be visiting me this afternoon. Hmm, should Kin-chan go home with you, I wonder?"

Asking, in her own subtle way, of course, if there are things Kintaro should not hear.

"That may be for the best," I agree.

"Good," she decides. She pauses, about to say more, but then is mindful of the other staff and gives me an even brighter grin instead, before she retreats into her home.

That gives me some measure of peace...

* * *

Needing time, space, and to burn off some anxious energy, I take an early hike up the mountain, ostensibly scouting for areas where the foliage might need to be cleared to prevent fire hazards in the future. Without a wheelbarrow of caged tanuki to slow me down I take a meandering path up the side of the hill, agitated and upset that everything is happening at once.

I reach the clearing where - long ago, so long ago - Koizumi and I dug for buried treasure.

Hindsight is not my friend today.

I sit on that same gourd shaped boulder and contemplate the clearing.

On this very spot, Haruhi, Asahina-san, and Nagato had given me chocolates they had prepared themselves for Valentine's Day. One hand goes to my forehead as I think about what Asahina-san had told me then - that Haruhi had insisted she write 'obligation' at the top, lest I think it was meant as a romantic gift, not just something for a friend. Nagato's cake had borne something similar.

But Haruhi's...

"Why was I so stupid?" I ask no one. "_Years_ before I ran away..."

I get no answer at all, which is more comforting than Kimidori or Asakura offering their insight. Are they still watching us, I wonder?

Truly, I'm happier not knowing the answer to that.

I try and find my center, mulling things over:

Tangled together,  
Despair, delight, and new life:  
Haruhi is back.

I laugh at the absurdity of that, and a few minutes later I start to shake as my tears come, realizing so much more that I had always tried to deny to myself.

After all this time... I'm still so stupid - it's pathetic, really.

I ran away from her. And then, well ... my life went in unexpected directions. I have no ground to stand on, myself.

So, what right do I have to be heartbroken that she's carrying someone else's child?

Stupid.

* * *

Some time later, when I should probably be having lunch, I walk down the mountain. Not towards the estate, directly, but angling towards the river that flows through the property. I wash my hands and splash my face until I feel a bit calmer, then return.

I don't want to face Tsuruya until she talks to Haruhi. If I were to do so, I'd undoubtedly spill all of the details without meaning to. Or worse, she'd put two and two together without even needing to ask me.

After closing up the gardening shed, I leave the estate, feeling like I'm running away again.

Back at Nagato's shop, she looks up as I open the door, some expression flashing across her face. She closes her laptop silently and intercepts me as I cross the floor, heading towards the shipping room. I can't pretend she's not there.

"Suzumiya Haruhi's presence has caused you distress," she assesses.

I can only nod at that.

Her voice is softer, clearly disappointed when she says, "I had ... hoped ... for better. For you."

"Let's not be selfish," I sigh. "Haruhi has a lot of concerns and issues right now. Shouldn't we be thinking of her?"

"You may," Nagato answers. "I will think of you, because you do not."

I can't help but smile at that. "It's just a bit to wrap my head around," I tell her.

"You are unhappy?" she says, a tiny questioning lilt in her voice.

Am I?

"I'm depressed, a bit," I say. "But in my mind 'unhappy' means longer-term. So, I don't think I'm unhappy. Just very sad at the moment."

She blinks at me, seeming to realize something.

I feel even more stupid, but I have to ask... "You've always known how I felt about her, didn't you? And how she felt about me? Even when I couldn't figure it out?"

She nods, her eyes shifting away from mine. "I was not permitted to relay such observations to you at that time."

And afterwards, what would the point have been? Making me feel even worse when she was trying to adjust to becoming human herself?

"I am sorry."

I raise one hand and gently pat her head. Her posture relaxes instantly, and I want to berate myself for not thinking of her. "Even after this long, somehow, it's surprising... I really was starting to hope-" I cut myself off and shrug.

Nagato, ever the pragmatist, maintains her calm expression and level tone, despite my touch. "This development does not preclude the possibility of a romantic future," she notes.

"Right now, Haruhi seems to believe there are the two things she can't do," I return, dropping my hand to my side. "She thinks she's no good in a relationship, and she can't be a parent. Trying to ask her to do both at once..."

Very quickly, Nagato's head rises again, her eyes staring into mine. "You are open to the possibility," she presses.

We both know she's right, so I don't really answer.

"I've got to take care of the shipping before picking Kin-chan up," I say. "Where's Haruhi, anyway?"

"Shopping," she answers. "Then visiting at the Tsuruya estate."

In retrospect... I didn't really think this through, did I?

"Well, alright. I'd better get to work," I say, shaking my head and moving to step around Nagato.

She doesn't step away, just raising one hand and gently pressing it against my arm. "No," she says quietly. "That is unimportant. Lunch."

I can't help but smile at Nagato for that. "Alright," I agree. "Thank you." She smiles back, and once again, that's enough.

* * *

I had said at one point I would broach a certain subject with Kintaro, and I haven't yet. Today may as well be the day that it happens - even if there may turn out to be no real point to it.

After meeting up for the walk, I listen to his explanation of his lessons with a small smile. I'm not so distracted that I miss when he tries to tell me that he studied the first jet-pack invasion of the polar ice caps. "I suppose that wasn't history when I was your age," I remark. "Did it happen recently? When I was your age, jet-packs were notoriously unreliable - and vastly overpriced."

He colors and chuckles at being caught, shaking his head. "Well ... you looked distracted, Uncle," he tries, grinning.

"Hmm. Not that much. Anyway... Kin-chan, what do you think of Suzumiya-san?"

He looks at me curiously, then adopts an indignant pout. "I think she's really awesome, but I don't have a crush on Suzumiya-san," he grumps, sniffing. "She's _old_! Like you and Mother! Not like, _super_ old, like Grandfather, but still _old_."

Just when his wisdom seems about to overtake his age, something like that pops out.

I can't help but smirk at the comment, but I let it pass unremarked. "You wanted to know if you'd see more of her, didn't you?" I ask.

He nods at that, now more curious than anything else. "She has neat stories! Is she going to live nearby?"

"For a while, at least," I agree. "It seems for a few months, she'll be staying with Nagato."

Kintaro looks genuinely confounded for a minute. "Why not with you?" he asks, giving me a curious look.

I almost trip again, but I resist giving him a dark look at that comment. Obviously, he has inherited this knack and sharpness from his mother. Is it so obvious even an eleven year old boy saw what I couldn't?

To someone as brilliant as Haruhi... I suppose it must have been my impossible stupidity that fascinated her. It must have seemed nothing short of miraculous that I could get passing grades and still not notice _that_.

"Uncle?" Kintaro asks anxiously. "Was that wrong to ask?"

"No," I say quickly, shaking my head. "Not that, Kin-chan. It's just... Ah, well, there have been some very heavy thoughts looming overhead lately." I give him a weak smile.

He gives me a wondering stare for a few minutes. After a while he gives me a small nod, looking relieved before he lights up with that glowing Tsuruya grin. Turning his face to the sky, he says:

"Food, dance, song, and drink -  
"give the poet strength because,  
"laughter is the best!"

Then he glances at me. "Is it okay?" he asks brightly.

"I like it," I tell him honestly. "I think Suzumiya-san would like it more if instead of 'poet' you said 'artist,' but I agree with your message." Who wouldn't rather be happy?

He nods at that.

I absently drop one hand to his shoulder for the rest of the walk home, and Kintaro cheerfully continues telling me about his day at school.

* * *

A little bit of time in my apartment with Kintaro - Haruhi being nowhere in sight - is surprisingly pleasant. While he works on his homework, I pull out some of my notebooks and pore over older poems, bits of haiku that I never felt were quite good enough. Or just weren't complete.

Later, Nagato comes up and joins us. Kintaro is done with his homework, so I let him watch some television with Nagato while I take care of the shopping.

As I'm on the stairs my phone rings, and I answer it without checking who's there. "Hello?"

"Uh... Hi, Kyon!" Haruhi says, a tiny bit uneasily. "I, um... I'll be staying with Tsuruya tonight- Sorry for not letting you and Yuki-chan know earlier."

"That should be fine," I reply. And it was before I finished shopping, so that saves me a bit of trouble. "Is everything alright?"

"Fine! Just- Everything's going great- Tsuruya has a lot of ... advice for my situation, you know? So, it seems like it would be a good idea to try and soak up some of that wisdom! That's why I'll be staying with her tonight, naturally!"

"I see..." I can't quite help but think that there's more to this then she's letting on. Still, it involves Tsuruya, and I trust her, so I'll let well enough alone. "Well, thanks for that update, Haruhi. Kin-chan says hello to you and Tsuruya-san - I'll have him call his mother before bed. I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"Yeah!" Haruhi says, almost too quickly. "Ah- I've got to go. Talk to you later?"

"Yes," I agree. "Take care."

"I will!" she says, seeming slightly more cheerful. "You too, Kyon!" Then she disconnects.

I wonder about it briefly, but then decide it isn't worth thinking about. More likely than not, Tsuruya arranged things so I would have some peace. Why squander that with worrying about things now?

After the shopping, Nagato and Kintaro are engaged in a game of go when I return. At a glance, Nagato started Kintaro off with a six stone advantage, and that seems to be enough for him to hold his own. Kintaro always beats me at go, but is smart enough to realize that it's always close for a reason - and he's a quick learner. Especially since I always win against Nagato, unless I give her a four stone advantage or better.

"I hope everyone's in the mood for donburi," I remark, heading into the kitchen after pausing to examine the board. This game should probably be finishing around the time dinner is ready.

"I am!" Kintaro says cheerfully. Then he pauses, looking thoughtful. "Suzumiya-san isn't here?"

"She had some business to discuss with your mother," I tell him apologetically.

Nagato gives a very small, unsurprised nod and with quiet deliberation places another stone. Her quiet voice notes, "Atari," as she pulls her fingers back from the board.

Kintaro is drawn back into the game at the threat of capture and carefully contemplates his next move.

I busy myself in the kitchen, thinking that I should do the same.

* * *

The next day, after seeing Kintaro to school, I get a somewhat late start on heading to the Tsuruya estate. I spend the entire day until lunch cleaning Nagato's apartment (and my own, of course), and then taking care of the shipping. These simple patterns, planted long ago into another garden...

When I finish with the shipping, boxes separated into neat piles, Nagato surprises me with a lunch she bought from a shop down the street.

After a few last tranquil moments, enjoying the meal quietly together, she tells me, "Have a good day."

I nod, thanking her and hoping I will.

At the Tsuruya estate, I finish my inspections early, and as I'm crossing the walkway by the sand garden I find Tsuruya and Haruhi sitting together on the rear porch. Haruhi seems absorbed in studying the design in the garden, while Tsuruya's eyes are initially on some distant spot in the sky. When I round the corner, Haruhi quickly turns to look away, fascinated by some detail of the walkway, while Tsuruya turns to look at me, a sad, apologetic smile coming to her face.

"I- Ah, I'll see you later, Kyon," Haruhi says hurriedly, one hand rising to press against the side of her face before she jogs into the house, giving no further explanation. For whatever reason, her host doesn't really move to follow her, except with her eyes.

Tsuruya sighs as Haruhi leaves, shaking her head and rubbing at the palm of her right hand with the fingertips of her left. Hopping down to the walkway, Tsuruya makes a small gesture that I should follow, ordering, "Walk with me."

I nod at her deferentially, not sure what to make of this shift. Tsuruya is capable of putting on an incredibly stern demeanor - likely something to do with her family business. She's never turned that to me before, so unless I miss my guess, she's much more upset about this than I've seen her since her husband's death...

I follow her wordlessly into the shrine garden. She paces around the central formation restlessly, finally stopping before the steps of the shrine building after a dozen pensive orbits. "I am dissatisfied," she declares, turning to fix me with a level gaze.

With some effort, I manage not to flinch back, but I bow my head. How have I failed Tsuruya? I've been so self absorbed lately ... it must have been something. I resist the urge to apologize. I have to figure out what I did wrong, first; a meaningless apology is just that.

"Not with you," she adds quickly, sighing. I look up with surprise and see that she's pinching the bridge of her nose. "When Haruhi came back, I hoped that it was a chance to restore something wonderful, to - to rekindle the dim embers of a once vibrant friendship! Or... Or that maybe she'd come because she wanted to make _amends_...

"But, no, she came back just to burden and hurt two of my precious people!" She stomps one foot in pronounced irritation.

Even though I'm taken aback by all of this, I reach out and take her hand in my own; it's rare for Tsuruya to become so emotional she shows it like that. She heaves a sigh and closes her eyes, stilling herself.

"She hasn't hurt me," I say weakly.

"You may lie to yourself, but that won't fool me," she growls, locking gazes with me, a blazing fire shining in her eyes. "This is part of why I'm so mad! Haruhi doesn't want to take responsibility for her problems, and you're just going to _let_ guilt that you have no business feeling strangle your heart until you agree to do it for her!

"Also ... in the interest of mutual respect, Kyon-kun... You and Koizumi-kun seemed to be _mislead_ into doing what hurt Haruhi, from what Nagato-chi told me - it was Nagato-chi's family, wasn't it? Regardless of the reasons, causing her a season of sadness - compared to what you've _already_ endured - does not obligate you this much. So if you try and be self-recriminating and apologetic, or say that you _owe_ her this, I will slap the _shit_ out of you, same as her!"

I've never heard Tsuruya swear once - not even the night her husband died, so that stuns me almost as much as the rest of her message. I swallow and manage a short nod. Those are the same thoughts I tried not to let myself think, after all. It wasn't as though they hadn't occurred to me.

Some of Tsuruya's heat fades, and she hangs her head, sighing again. "Of course ... saying all of that, and knowing you... Even if Haruhi has not realized it yet, you _will_ agree to raise that child, because that's who you are. And ... on the basis that you would be a better parent than her, well, you have more experience and I believe you've proven yourself - but don't tell _her_ she gets a pass on being a parent!

"I can see those gears turning, and I know Nagato-chi still wants to try and make Haruhi be good to you. If that fails, then _I_ will adopt the child. Kintaro won't mind a sibling, and my family, well - that will be a problem I can settle." She waves a hand dismissively. "I'd like to see the future where Haruhi leaves happiness in her wake, not broken hearts. So give her a chance to grow up a little bit, and let us hope that adoption of any sort is a safety net she doesn't see until it's required."

There's a million things I should probably be saying right now. "You slapped her?" I ask, finding my voice, and uttering one of the things that doesn't, really, need to be asked.

She doesn't quite roll her eyes. "I didn't kick her in the stomach," Tsuruya says, mildly defensive. "And she was too self-absorbed in the fact that she'd found someone to take care of her child - despite the fact that you haven't _told_ her you would. When she didn't show enough concern for you, how _should_ I have acted?"

It's not my place to tell Tsuruya she's gone too far. All the same... That's a stinging revelation. "No concern at all?" I ask, feeling a bit pathetic.

"Oh, it was there ... just not enough to satisfy _me_," she clarifies, before she moves to my side and hugs me tightly, pressing her face into my shoulder. "In fairness, I may be too demanding on that count - maybe no amount of concern would satisfy me. And that's because... Well-

"Kyon-kun, I love you dearly, but you are deeply flawed. You devote yourself beyond reason to trying to take care of three people - not even _counting_ Haruhi and her baby, yet - and not _one_ of those people you worry so much about is _you_!" Then she laughs, though the sound is somewhat smothered as I hesitantly hug her back. "So, you're going to just have to deal with me and Nagato-chi doing what we can for you."

She breaks the hug, and after a moment the pair of us sit on the steps to the shrine. Really ... what she said isn't much different from what Nagato told me. It's still incredibly reassuring to hear... And then, maybe - a little bit like Nagato - it's okay that I don't look out for myself as much. We all look out for one another.

"Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing?" I wonder.

"No," Tsuruya replies without hesitation. "You're just too good."

She shakes her head abruptly, glancing at the sky again. After the pause, she says, "We should get Kin-chan. We're having dinner with your sister and her children tonight - Nagato-chi will watch over Haruhi for the time being."

"I'm not certain it's me that's too good," I tell her, giving her a smile I manage to really feel. "Might it instead be you?" Then, because we need to laugh, and I know how she'll respond: "I feel that I owe you thanks for this."

She turns to me sharply, and simultaneous with her, I say, "'There is no debt, only gratitude.'"

For a heartbeat after that, she shoots me a scowl. But that's as long as she can hold out before she bursts into laughter. I'm not far behind her, and shortly after that, we both need to jog to make it to Kintaro's school in time.

* * *

After walking Kintaro back home, I return to the apartment, where Nagato and Haruhi are waiting. Haruhi is subdued and anxious, fidgeting nervously. Well ... getting on Tsuruya's bad side would put me on edge, too.

Once I step into the living room, where the pair are sitting watching my television, I greet them both, and spend a moment compelled to look for some lingering trace of Tsuruya's slap. One of her cheeks seems slightly redder, but she quickly blushes under my gaze and bows her head.

"I'm home," I announce, unnecessarily.

"Welcome back," Nagato greets me.

"Um, hi," Haruhi manages somewhat sheepishly.

At a glance, the pair are watching a news story - something about an upcoming movie screening. I take my seat and ask Haruhi, "How are you doing?"

"I...I'm alright," she says cautiously, trying a hesitant smile. "U...um... Tsuruya kind of ... pointed out that I was being really ... inconsiderate about this entire thing."

I'm not really sure how to answer that. On the one hand, I do somewhat agree with Tsuruya ... her thoughts were only echoes of mine, after all. On the other hand, I entirely agree with Tsuruya; there isn't any reason to let Haruhi have no worries at all. Especially if there's to be any chance of swaying her her to mind of raising her child herself - or at the very least being a more active participant in its upbringing.

"Well ... let's set that aside for the time being," I tell her, offering a smile in return. "Nothing is decided yet, after all. So - do you think it'll be a boy, or a girl?"

She blinks, then looks very thoughtful. "Boy, I think," she says slowly. "I don't know ... I thought for some reason it would be great to have a daughter - maybe someone who could grow up with energy like mine - but what are the odds of that? So, probably a boy. In any case, I don't want to know until it's born."

I can't really follow her logic on that one, so give her a nod. "Have you thought about names?"

"W...well, um... If it's a boy, I think I like Kinnosuke," she says, not meeting my eyes. "I haven't really thought about names for a girl."

Nagato raises one eyebrow very slightly.

I'm not sure what to make of that, myself. Not _my_ name ... but then, not far off, either.

"That's a nice name," I encourage, not asking which characters it would be written with. "Have you scheduled classes to prepare yourself? Or found a doctor closer than Tokyo?"

"Ah ... Tsuruya insisted I use hers, so I'll be meeting him next Tuesday. W...would you mind going with me?" she asks hesitantly.

That shouldn't be a problem. "Of course," I agree.

"I have ordered several books for you," Nagato adds. "I hope that they are helpful."

Haruhi recovers some of the characteristic fire I know her for, nodding brightly. "Thanks, Yuki-chan, Kyon! You have no idea how happy I am to have found you here!"

And then, unexpectedly, she moves with remarkable agility, scooting around next to me and giving me another of those surprising hugs - but this time she hangs on for a long minute. Even with Nagato watching us - trying to hide that small satisfied smile she rarely lets out - I hug her back.

Now that I'm more aware, and she's not wearing the baggy, concealing coat, I note the subtle swell of her belly. So ... Haruhi and her child...

...but then, Tsuruya's completely right. Is there something wrong with me, to think that after all of this, I will still be able to care for that unknown child? The father may be an unknown to me ... but it will be a part of Haruhi. Something - and maybe this makes me very small and petty - that will cause Haruhi to return, even if it's only on occasions?

What hope do I really have?

I'm already willing to give my all for the pair of them ... just like Kintaro and Tsuruya.


	8. Chapter 7

Later - Chapter Seven

A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

By Brian Randall

Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.

Note: May contain spoilers up through book eleven.

* * *

Even I find myself surprised with how quickly I adjust to Haruhi's presence in Nagato's apartment. I'll admit ... perhaps it was just some passing fancy, but I envisioned her somehow relaxing, becoming more thoughtful and meditative.

Somehow, I suppose, I thought she might stop acting like, well ... Haruhi.

Instead, she fills her idle time by tearing through all of my unpublished poems, gushing over them before I realize she's even _found_ my notebooks. I suppose it's for the best I don't keep a journal or anything like that - but I can't expect Nagato to distract Haruhi constantly.

After she finishes going through everything I've ever written, she drags me to her storage locker, where I help her rearrange countless boxes of memorabilia, awards, music and video disks in a painful variety of formats, until eventually, we found the things she was looking for. Should I be surprised that the oldest looking boxes are labeled 'SOS Brigade'?

I am, even if I shouldn't be.

She pauses for a moment when we find those, then shakes her head, going to a somewhat newer box labeled 'books.'

From there, she demands that I sign her entire collection of my books. Flattering, actually. "You know," I remark, when we realize that neither of us thought to bring a pen, "I've never signed a single copy of any of my books?"

"Then, that makes it even _more_ important!" she declares, smirking. "Well ... let's bring them back to your place. I can even have them signed in the same place where they were originally written!"

I glance at a copy of her and Zaizen Mai's debut single, marked as a platinum record.

"I think your work is significantly more meritorious than my own," I muse, hefting the box of books and stepping out of the storage locker so she can close it up. "I've never gotten many awards, either."

"Oh, those are all politics," she answers absently, checking the lock. "Mmm, if you never go out for any signings, you don't generate the kind of recognition you need to win a _bunch_ of stuff."

She leads the way to the exit of the complex, then admits, "Though, I don't know much about poetry awards, to be honest. Hey! How about that - I'll help you out! We can make your next book win all kinds of awards!"

"Maybe," I reply dubiously. We're close enough that I wouldn't have minded the walk, but I am concerned for Haruhi - I pretend the box is heavier than it is when she seems about to try and walk back herself.

Pouting, she agrees to flag down a cab.

Once we're seated comfortably, the box between us, I say, "I'm not sure I'm worried about awards, honestly. And ... come to think of it, you know - except for the fact that you've bought them, I really wouldn't be surprised to find out that Nagato was vanity publishing them on my behalf."

Haruhi rolls her eyes at that. "Do you not even know you've made best-seller lists?"

I laugh at her joke and shake my head.

She narrows her eyes suspiciously. "You _are_ making money off your books, right? Yuki-chan isn't... She wouldn't..."

"It's not like that," I tell her. "To be perfectly honest - you were completely right about me wasting a wish on money that long ago Tanabata."

Her eyes widen fractionally at that.

I shrug. "I have enough, and I trust Nagato to handle the rest."

"What about a house?" she wonders.

"There's nothing important enough for me to save money for," I return. "I'm comfortable, and close to the people who matter to me. I might try and buy a house, I suppose, but that would be for a family - and I'm not married."

The uncomfortable silence this comment creates lasts until we return to the apartment, and then - for the first time in my life - I sign copies of my books. Should I have signed Tsuruya's, I wonder? Well, a dozen years late for that.

Haruhi practically glows with delight, looking over her collection of incredibly battered books as though they were precious treasures. Even though she doesn't say anything else ... just how worn those books are - that sends a message all its own.

One a bit more profound than her just demanding my signature.

* * *

Some days later, I am finding myself strangely already growing complacent with regards to Haruhi's returned presence. Given a laptop - newer than the ancient, depreciated ones we used in the club - she's undertaken a personal campaign to better manage promoting my next book.

Which, naturally, obligates me to _write_ my next book.

I don't feel any particular urgency for that, though. There's plenty of time.

Instead, I'm in the gardening shed, studying the injured bonsai. Two of the branches will probably recover very well, but the third is going very slowly.

The door swings open, and I glance at the entrance, seeing Haruhi and Tsuruya peeking in after me. "You have a visitor," Tsuruya announces, gesturing to Haruhi.

For her part, the pregnant woman is still nervous around Tsuruya - though to be fair, she is still a bit cold to Haruhi. I leave that well enough alone, though.

"What's the occasion?" I ask, turning my attention back to the tree.

"Just wanted to visit," Haruhi says, shrugging. She steps into the shed and moves to stand behind me, staring over my shoulder. "What happened?"

"The tanuki family's victim," I answer.

Making a thoughtful noise, Tsuruya moves to study the tree as well. "Will it survive?" she wonders, frowning.

I give a small sigh. "Well ... as it happens, probably. The problem here is this: Of the three branches, this most damaged one is sapping the bonsai of most of its energy - so it isn't healing very well."

Tsuruya clicks her tongue at that, shaking her head.

Haruhi cocks her head to one side, staring at the plant doubtfully. "How do you help it, then?" she wonders.

In answer, I bring the pruning shears up and clip off the most injured branch just below the original break.

Haruhi emits a cry of alarm, staring at me in shock while Tsuruya nods knowingly.

"Strength divided is less strength," the woman says, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Now all of the bonsai's recovery goes to the two remaining branches," I explain, setting down the shears, still holding the short length of severed branch.

While I understand the necessity - and have done this before - it always pains me to remove an established limb from an older bonsai...

I walk out of the greenhouse portion of the gardening shed and study the part in my hand. It's no good; I don't think I can grow a new plant from this cutting. Sighing, I set it aside and take off my work-gloves, rubbing at my eyes. "It's the same with flowering plants," I continue. "Say you've got a plant that has blossoms in clusters of five. If you want larger, more fragrant blooms, then you prune two of the five off."

"Isn't that ... cold?" Haruhi asks, evidently uncomfortable with the idea.

I shrug at that. "Maybe," I allow. "I don't particularly care for the practice - but here, it's to help the bonsai to recover better."

"So, you're saying there's no other option?"

"Well ... I could have left it on and it would have taken much longer to mend properly - and a lot more attention," I answer, shrugging.

Haruhi nods slowly, lost in some thought.

Ah, gloomy nonsense.

"Never mind that, though," I say, shaking my head. "At a guess, this will be back to a good state in a few months. It will take some attention, but it should survive."

The pregnant woman seems somehow dissatisfied, but after a glance at Tsuruya, she ducks her head. "Ah, anyway - I wanted to offer to treat you and Tsuruya to lunch to thank you for all of your help so far," she explains.

I offer a smile at that. "Well, thank you, Haruhi," I respond.

* * *

After the meal, Tsuruya apologizes as she's called to a meeting and runs off, leaving Haruhi and myself together. I give her a soft smile and shrug, and she joins me as we slowly walk from the restaurant towards Kintaro's school again.

Spending time with Haruhi like this is nicer than I imagined it, actually, when she's not badgering me for details to help promote my next book. She's still wearing the same bulky coat she seems to prefer for the moment, though I suspect she'll have to switch for something looser as spring approaches.

I think she's overreacting a little bit - she's not showing that much. As it stands, her due date isn't until the end of the first week of July.

She catches my sidelong glance and breaks the companionable silence, asking, "What's on your mind?"

"Just wondering about the baby," I answer. "Did you eat enough?"

She rolls her eyes. "You love playing the big strong protector for damsels in distress, don't you?" she accuses with a grin. "Yeah, I'm fine..."

"Sorry," I apologize, chuckling. "I don't know that I'm any good at it, but what guy doesn't want to try doing that?"

I shrug at her and check my watch. We actually have enough time to head back to the apartment before Kintaro's school lets out, but I like the atmosphere between us, so I guide Haruhi towards a park. She doesn't protest, just nodding in response to my last remark and looking away thoughtfully.

A few minutes later, I indicate a park bench and she nods again, taking a seat. I join her, and she shakes her head abruptly, pursing her lips together in thought. "Kyon," she finally starts, not meeting my eyes, "I know I kind of ... mentioned this before, but..." She shakes her head suddenly, giving me a surprisingly shy look before turning her attention to the grass.

"What is it?" I prompt gently.

"I... I like to believe in second chances," she tells me slowly, not meeting my eyes again. "Of course, life is not so convenient that it gives you second chances all the time... And then, when you look at the concept of karma as something that applies to lives, a lot of people don't understand that, either."

"Wait, what does karma have to do with this?" I wonder, boggling.

She waves a hand dismissively. "A lot of people - especially people who hear it from Westerners who don't entirely understand it - sometimes get the impression that karma comes around in the same lifetime. And I suppose it maybe can, but in the general sense, isn't karma sort of a running total between all your lives?"

I spend a minute thinking back to the philosophy books I hadn't read in decades, or the lectures I'd only distantly overheard at Kurama-dera, nearly as long ago. "That sounds familiar, though I admit, I am not the world's most devout Buddhist."

"I'm probably not much better," she counters, grinning, finally meeting my eyes. "I mean, _you've_ at least spent time working in a temple - that's probably earned you a lot of points!"

"Fair enough," I allow, smiling back, not really motivated enough to question where she was going with this.

She looks away quickly, though, her smile fading. "So ... well, what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to believe that Koizumi passed away for nothing- That anyone passes away for nothing! And ... maybe a bit, it's selfish on my part so I can try and feel less guilty about how things turned out with him.

"I ... wasn't kidding when I said I hoped he got a chance to start over - maybe ... with parents like you and Tsuruya."

I can't say anything to that, and just look away, bowing my head.

"Ah," she says belatedly, shaking her head. "I mean, raised by people like the two of you - so he can have a chance at a better life, you know? Maybe ... maybe it's a bit sad, but still... Ah..." She sighs and hangs her head.

Straightening out, I shift my shoulders, giving her a considering, sidelong look. "Even after this long, you still care about all of the members in your brigade, huh?" I ask. Though, what I'm wondering is ... how badly was she _really_ hurt by what I did?

Another of those painful moments where I cannot be as honest as I wish. I can't tell her what was said to make me leave, and what should be a close moment leaves me feeling keenly aware of that gap. Nagato and Tsuruya keep telling me to look at it as a second chance, but now ... I can't help but feel I'm already cheapening that chance by not being perfectly honest.

"Yeah," she answers softly. "And ... even if she was... Even if she was so upset about how I used to treat her, I'd like to think that Mikuru-chan ... would have gotten a chance to say goodbye to the ones she cared about properly." She sniffs, not quite a sniffle, then forces out a chuckle that's devoid of genuine amusement.

"Anyway, after how everything turned out over the years ... I want better for this child," she continues, running her hand across her stomach, glancing at me briefly again. "In a way, isn't he or she _my_ second chance?"

Second chances, huh?

"Maybe," I say slowly, "it's a second chance for more than just you, Haruhi."

She nods. "I'd like that," she says earnestly. "For a second chance from... From the beginning."

It comes to me almost so suddenly I don't even realize I'm saying it:

"Regret is easy,  
"clinging to what we have lost;  
"living in the past.

"Until we move on,  
"mired in thoughts of what was:  
"We have to let go."

She stares at me in surprise, then nods. "Right!" Haruhi declares in response, jumping to her feet, eyes squeezing shut as she nods and smiles widely - before she rubs away unshed tears. "That's exactly, perfectly right!"

I'm not even sure where that poem came from, myself - or that I like it much. Still ... if it works for her, I won't complain in the least.

"And that's why, no matter what, I've decided that I have to bring this life into this world! Even if it means... Well, no matter what, I won't waste this chance!"

I almost want to laugh at her and complain that such determination seems like she's convincing herself to not only _have_ the child, but to be a part of raising it already. Instead, I chuckle softly and rise to my feet, nodding encouragement at her. I take small steps, myself; it's not fair to expect more of her.

"I'm glad for that," I tell her. "Your friends are at your side, Haruhi. Whatever happens, you won't have to face it alone." But, looking at the time... "We should probably head on to pick up Kintaro, or we might be late, though."

She gives me a smile ... for a moment, for some reason, it seems sadder than I think it should be, but the moment passes as she nods and falls into step at my side.

* * *

The days pass like this, almost without my noticing.

My awareness of the passing time is fitful, occasionally worrisome, but somehow, there's always the idea that there's enough time that there's no need to rush. Entire weeks pass, and I'm so content I really don't even notice them - followed by hours of agonizing over wasted time...

Tsuruya gives me an amused look when I confess my concerns to her, and assures me that most of the time I'm right, and there's no reason to rush.

Even so, I still don't know if I've had much influence on Haruhi's stance regarding her ability to raise her child. Then again ... I hardly want to pressure her.

It's not until the day we move her out of Nagato's apartment and into an empty room in Tsuruya's home, that I finally try broaching the subject with her. After setting down the last of her boxes, I stretch, cracking my back and eying her speculatively.

For her part, she's absorbed in hanging up her clothes in the closet - clothes she only bought a few weeks ago, to accommodate her changing size. "I hope you'll be more comfortable here," I remark, unsure how to begin.

She glances at me briefly over her shoulder before turning around and putting her hands on her hips. Surrounded by the boxes that had increasingly crept out of her storage locker and into Nagato's apartment (and now here), Haruhi raises one eyebrow and looks at me. I get the impression that like Tsuruya, on occasion she can see straight through the surface of me, and into whatever's truly on my mind, because she offers me a crooked smile.

"You're here, so I'll be fine," she says, before looking away, her cheeks reddening. As though to underscore that thought, Haruhi moves over to the open window, looking out onto the cherry trees, just preparing to blossom. "You're going to be spending more time here than at home, with everything starting to grow again soon, right?"

Yes ... the revenge of the cherry petals is incoming. Even though I frequently refer to the storms of blossoms as a personal nightmare, it's wonderful when that's the greatest of my concerns.

"That's true," I agree, only realizing after that what she called the place where Nagato and I live:

Home.

And then ... I wonder if maybe there's no real reason to worry about things after all? Maybe this is enough?

* * *

That evening, heading home later than usual, thanks to being distracted by Haruhi, I take my time, just thinking.

Not that I don't have plenty of time to think, anyway... Still.

Midway between Tsuruya's home and Nagato's store, as I'm rounding a corner, I catch the hurried sound of footsteps approaching. No one else is nearby at this time of evening, so I look around, just in time to nearly be bowled over by a young girl in Kitago uniform.

I'm able to grab her wrist before she rebounds off me and falls to the ground. Beneath the corner streetlight, I'm able to see her dark eyes widen as she looks up at me in alarm. Her hair is brown, not quite shoulder length, and the tips seem curled, almost as though implying a smile.

Something about her seems eerily familiar ... but then, she must live in the area. Mindful of the fact that I'm old enough that it might seem questionable, I release her wrist once I'm certain she won't fall. "Be careful," I warn her, offering what I hope is a gentle smile.

I hear the sound of additional footsteps approaching, more quickly. I turn to look at the source - was she running away from someone?

A heartbeat later, a boy almost as tall as me skids into view. He seems familiar in the same way... It must just be that they live in the area, to seem so familiar. The boy says, "W... Uh... W...we should get out of here," undoubtedly to the girl, but he seems strangely distracted and inexplicably confused by my presence.

"What's going on here?" I wonder.

The girl makes a startled noise and grabs the boy's hand. "S...sempai?" she manages, her voice quavering, her eyes still locked on me.

The boy snaps to attention at some signal I don't catch, pulling his phone from his pocket with his free hand and cursing before he and the girl break off, charging down the street. I consider giving chase, but they're younger and faster ... and the girl wasn't under any obvious duress.

I suppose it's none of my business, whatever it was. Perhaps there's something strange and amazing there ... but as I've learned, there's no reason - really - to search for it. If I have to be involved, I'm confident that whatever is to happen will find me.

And, really ... it doesn't bother me too much if it doesn't.

As I think that and resume my unhurried walk, a voice calls me from behind, quiet but with an easily detectable edge of urgency. Well, not my name proper - but considering how few people I let get away with that...

I turn around, bemused, and my heart stops when I see her.

I've told myself for years that it might happen at some point - hoped, really.

I'd rehearsed a thousand ways to greet her, a million reasons she could offer for disappearing so abruptly...

...except, at the end of it, I'd expected to see her older self.

Instead, the girl before me looks like she truly might just have stepped off the train from her college admission test, her eyes wide, her expression stricken. Her voice catching, eyes watering with unshed tears, she repeats, "K...Kyon-kun? I...is that ... you?"

"Asahina-san?" I return, unable to offer anything more intelligent.

"Ah," she starts, shaking her head. "Ah, I n...need to ask you to come with me?"

Her eyes are still wide with wonder. Her face seems to have confusion permanently etched into it, now.

I'm uncertain, so I hesitate, and she picks up on that, wincing and pulling back the hand she had extended. "I d...don't have much time," she offers, "as, um, I can only be here for a few minutes, thanks to ... certain interference. So ... please?"

This much time has done nothing to my ability to resist a young Asahina-san.

* * *

I come to my senses lying face-down in sand.

Raising my face from the grit beneath me and casting about, I see at a glance that I'm on a beach, not far from a currently empty pier. A path leads from the pier and through the trees behind me - the stereotypical tropical vegetation, I imagine. Once I think about it and identify the plants...

Further behind that, there's a mountainous peak.

I may not be a geographical genius, but I do know plants - and even though I miss a lot of things, I'm fairly certain I've got this one.

This would have to be somewhere in the Pacific. And an island, at a guess.

Searching my immediate surroundings, I note with a small bit of amusement that there are no footprints around me; I may as well have fallen from the sky to land there.

Then again, perhaps I really did, banished instantly from my proper place and time by a confused Asahina-san.

Beneath my landing site is a dark robe, and beneath that, a mask, looking something like a domino covered with brightly colored wisps of paper flames.

I take those things and sit on the beach for a long while.

To be truthful, ever since Haruhi put the idea in my head and refused to even _try_ and quote any of the poems, I'd wondered what sorts of things they had exchanged. So it wasn't as though I hadn't been trying to make, even if subconsciously, 'fire' themed poetry of my own. But now ... here was a chance to actually eavesdrop and hear first-hand.

Why would Asahina-san have sent me back here, though?

Knowing where this is, and what happens... I know enough from when I was younger to know that I don't want to try and change the past. I'm not thrilled about it, but I know what's happened is what has happened. Knowing that I mustn't change things, all I can really do - unless I want to risk a paradox - is observe.

I'm in the precise position that Asahina-san herself was in, when she was observing us.

Somehow, I had really hoped that the next time I managed a connection with one of the original SOS Brigade, we would talk. But this? This...

Not even an explanation.

Too many unanswered questions. I may have been sent here for reasons I don't understand, knowingly only that I couldn't change anything ... but if I can observe, then I can at least use this chance to discover who the father of Haruhi's child actually is.

* * *

I'm left with surprisingly little time to try and consider or plan. Very shortly after my arrival, I see a ship approaching from the horizon - and then another, and another...

Small vessels for the most-part - yachts, not ocean liners. I hide in the foliage, mindful of the fact that I've not actually been invited. When the first boat reaches the pier, it quickly disgorges its passengers, a large group of eagerly chatting folk in robes identical to mine, each already wearing their masks.

Everyone is energetic and excited, all carrying bundles of whatever artistic project they intend to show off. My brilliant plan instantly collapses. Every mask is unique, and I have no idea what Haruhi's looks like. I could recognize her voice, I expect, but I won't know her on sight.

Later still, when I'm confident that I've counted over one hundred masks, I realize how daunting this task is. If there are three hundred people here... But then, how hard must Haruhi have worked, trying to find one nameless masked person out of this entire crowd?

Needing to still myself, and still avoiding everyone - as I'm an observer, here - I crash through the vegetation for a bit until I'm far enough away from the others to think I'm alone. Is it running away when a friend you haven't seen in more than a decade hurls you back through time?

I spend a few minutes letting the hurt and confusion of Asahina-san's actions reach me, then sink to my knees in real despair.

What the hell am I supposed to do _now_?

I cast about the clearing - and almost instantly my eyes seize upon one possible clue.

The broad, spade-shaped leaf of a piper methysticum is before me, waving slightly in the breeze.

I climb back to my feet.

I can still do this. Haruhi said it was dark when she found the poetry circle ... so I have time. More importantly, unless there's kava everywhere - then whoever is preparing it could be at least able to point me to where the poetry competition is supposed to be.

Steeling myself, I head back to the path, finding my robed, masked figure blending seamlessly into the others wandering between the beach and the larger clearing where the majority of the party-goers seem to be congregating.

I was surrounded by artists, all of them striving to demonstrate what they could of their craft - as anonymously as possible, given the circumstances. I glimpsed a quartet of robed figures dancing in a very practiced, but unfamiliar style. Not far away, a group of people were industriously assembling a giant wooden sculpture, which they seemed intent on igniting after assembling. Over there was a group of painters, showing their works, and past them, someone showing off blown glass sculptures.

I couldn't care less about any of them or their messages; I only want to find Haruhi, and discover who the father of her child was.

Shortly enough, I find what I expect, which was another group of people patiently chatting and discussing songwriting, pulverizing some already-dried piper methysticum roots flat in synchronization. They occasionally spark into song unexpectedly, one of the group deciding on something, and the others catching on and allowing the music to briefly flare before it collapsed in laughter, until the next attempt.

I stalk them as subtly as I can, wandering between stands, occasionally offering praise of someone else's work when I pass it, despite my actual indifference. No one seems to glance at me twice, but even when the sun comes close to setting - I haven't yet found the location of the poetry circle. Frustrated, I retreat to an unattended fire-pit as it grows dark - one with a vantage of the large tubs of kava, though that hadn't proven to be the clue I had hoped.

Not long after I sink wearily to sit by the fire, another man comes by, his mask tilting slightly to one side. "You're starting the poetry circle, right?" he asks loudly.

I turn to refute that, before I spot the small, impatient crowd behind him.

Everything suddenly clicks into place as I know - somehow I _know_ - Haruhi is in that group. And now, I know why that poet seemed so very familiar to her...

I had asked Haruhi about the father of her child, and she had passionately insisted that if she could speak to her child's father at that moment - she would.

Another clue, right before me, and being the idiot that I am, I missed it...

Almost unbidden, as I climb to my feet, I find the words leaving my mouth. "That's me," I agree, sounding somehow less shaky than I feel.

The crowd chuckles, flowing around the fire-pit to form a more solid ring. I don't know which of those figures is Haruhi, but I know at the end, it will be just her and myself...

And even though it crushes me, I can't explain things to her here. Another lie - another forced moment of dishonesty between the two of us.

Now we are closer,  
but it feels further apart:  
our time burns away.

No ... I can't start with that.

"Well?" the man presses, sounding amused. "Are you just going to stand there all day?"

"Burn my words, and watch art spring anew from the ashes," I reply, even as I am blinded by my tears, behind my mask.

Oh, I'd spent much of the last weeks, ever since Haruhi told me of her island misadventure wondering about those poems. I'd even tried writing a few of them myself, dabbling in the back of my mind while working around the estate - there was nothing I'd put to paper yet.

And probably, I realized, nothing I ever could, now.

Maybe I understand why Asahina-san said as little as she could, after all.

* * *

My intention was to have nothing to do with kava.

Knowing what was to come, I want nothing more than to be in my right mind for it, and I have no idea what the stuff would really do to me. Knowing that it had- That it will result in Haruhi's pregnancy...

When the bowl is passed to me, I touch it to my lips and mime drinking before passing it on. This happens many times, and after a while, touching turns to polite sips... I don't mean to, but I grow thirsty after dozens and dozens of poems.

Around the same time as I run out of all my pre-established material, I find myself being effected by the kava. My awareness seems to magnify as time slows down. Strangely, I find it easier and easier as the evening goes to come up with responses to others in the circle.

When Haruhi said that they were magnificent ... well, I don't like to boast, but feeling that it doesn't truly come from me, it seems as though my mind was abstracted, pulling the embers and coals of words into silly little combinations that gained approval from those who surrounded me. It's very _like_ renga, insomuch as there are exchanges; words and ideas flow into shapes, all sparking that same creative core, then flaring bright.

It was the purity of Basho's spontaneity - only now not confined to the nature themes which he and I both adored. With my kava-fueled expanded focus, I wonder if perhaps this is actually the first time I am truly in my element?

So ... while the poems are remarkable - what truly makes it all feel so ... more than real ... is the synergy between us all. I didn't know which one was Haruhi, so I find myself trying - somehow - to forge a connection to everyone else there. Something in my current mindset seems to do that, without me even being entirely aware of it.

From there, sensations stretch and entangle, reminding me of nothing so much as that time when I thought I had gone mad. I wanted so badly to see Haruhi, to try and do - or say - something that would be the vital clue she would need...

...but what could I do without risking everything? If I had met Haruhi on an island and told her about the future ... she surely wouldn't have encountered me in the state that she did. What warning or clue could I give her that wouldn't jeopardize the time-line?

I think those things, but in that state, I can say only that at the last, I find Haruhi.

I try to tell her...

I try to tell her any number of things, but all I can manage are half-formed bits of poems... I tell her she is more amazing than she realizes; that she will create something truly profound in the future... That she is beautiful, and intelligent...

It probably comes across as flirting ... something I never considered myself to be adept at. And yet...

Afterwards, it's just the two of us in a small clearing. Her robe provides bedding, and mine a blanket. It's too dark to see her clearly, but I know her - know her voice. My own is somewhat raspy from the long day of poetry and kava. She's still, her breaths quiet, but not deep enough for her to be truly asleep.

"Listen," I murmur to her. I have to tell her something, here. "Ha-"

And then I black out.

* * *

I come to my senses fully dressed, laying atop a bed. I stare at the unfamiliar ceiling for a long moment, gathering my wits, recalling what had happened.

When I sit up and survey my surroundings, I see that I'm in a standard hotel room with a single bed, an entertainment center, and a small table with two chairs. Slumped over the table, her face on her crossed arms, is the slumbering form of the bigger Asahina-san.

I wonder if I might be older than her, now?

For a very long while, I just sit on the bed, trying to sort things out. This is all so much ... so fast... I had thought that strange things might happen, now that Haruhi was back - but for all of this at once?

And for all that I've adored Asahina-san for years ... putting me into that situation ... then taking me out of it...

No time for an explanation? She couldn't even - really - spare me a proper greeting?

I let myself feel pointlessly angry for a minute, until I realize that it's stupid. Didn't, really, Asahina-san give me the chance to be the important person in Haruhi's life she wanted me to be? And ... it's not like I can truly complain about my own role, save that Haruhi doesn't know the truth yet...

So, somewhat calmed, I go to the table and take the other chair. As I sit down, Asahina-san wakes up, sitting up and stretching her arms over her head.

Strangely, when her chest sticks out, my first thought is that by now, she could have bought a shirt that actually fit her.

She blinks a few times, rousing, then gives me a wan smile. "A...ah," she manages. "Um ... g...good morning, Kyon-kun?"

A glance at the clock shows that it's early evening.

"Asahina-san," I return, nodding at her. I shift my shoulders as her smile fades, and she stares at the table glumly.

"It's been some time," she murmurs. "Ahm... S...so, um... Kyon-kun, how many books have you written?"

"Eight," I answer reflexively, thinking of the seven published books, and the one that I'm working on at the moment.

Some of her tension fades, and she raises her face to look at me, though she can't meet my gaze for very long before she turns away. Taking a breath, she seems to steel herself. "Then, can I ask you a question?

I blink at that. Really, I want to tell her that she should answer my questions first ... so I shake my head slightly. "In a bit," I say, meeting her eyes.

She winces and looks away again.

I sigh and lean back in the chair, thinking about what's just happened.

Or maybe ... if I am going to pursue Haruhi, the identity of myself as the father can be a new trump card, just like my identity as John Smith.

Then my thoughts have gone full circle. Do I want that? A return to the state of things in high school?

No... I don't want that at all. The idea of doing that?

"I'm unhappy about the fact that there's something else in my life I can't tell Haruhi about," I say, sighing. Then I shake my head, releasing a bitter laugh. "Of course, I haven't seen you in even longer than I've seen her, and I can tell you anything!" How unfair that is!

At this stage ... I can trust Asahina-san with anything, but I think I'd rather trust Haruhi.

She cringes at that, and I feel bad for the thought - from what I remember ... even if she's older, this Asahina-san is subject to the complex whims of her superiors, isn't she? "I'm sorry," I apologize to her. "This can't be any easier for you, can it? Well, what's your question, then?"

And, really, what could I know that she doesn't?

That prompts a surprised squeak, her managing to look at me for a moment before she quickly looks away. "U...um," she starts in a quavering, uncertain voice, "it's about a poem you wrote? About me?"

I don't recall writing any poem about Asahina-san; it wasn't really an interest when we were still able to see one-another. "Go ahead," I agree with a nod, wondering which poem she thinks is about her.

"I ... had never thought I'd done something to earn your resentment," she says sadly, her gaze dropping, though her determination is still there. "What ... was it that was so horrible that you wrote that about me? I...it couldn't be _this_ if you wrote it before, so..."

"Which poem is this?" I can't help but ask. I don't think any of my poems were resentful - outside of the angsty whining of my first book.

Her eyes flick to me, hurt, and then away. She mumbles something I don't quite catch.

"Pardon?" I ask, leaning slightly closer.

Her expression shifts, and she seems almost ashamed, but manages to meet my eyes, accusation in her gaze as she repeats - loud enough for me to hear, this time - "You know the one, Kyon-kun ... 'The bitch of time'?"

I blink at that, then scratch my head. "I didn't write that poem," I tell her shaking my head.

She makes a confused, alarmed squeaking noise at that, looking at me in a combination of disbelief and horror. "Y...you said you had finished your eighth book!" she protests, eyes wide.

"Finished," I agree. "Not published."

She works her jaw for a moment, her eyes filling with unshed tears before she stares at the floor, sniffling. "I did it again," she whimpers.

I suppose ... she hasn't changed that much after all.

No ... the idea of resenting her, when she gets caught up in situations like this without even knowing what's going on herself... There would be no point to being bitter or angry with her.

I heave a long sigh and shake my head. "I don't think I've ever sworn in a poem before ... but after today, I think I can see where it might come from," I muse.

She cringes, and I realize she thinks that I decided to write something horrible about her because of this encounter. Before she can speak, possibly saying something _else_ she shouldn't, I quickly add, "Thinking about things, and the situation I was in ... the real bitch is time itself, not you. If there was something to be upset about ... it's that you'd think so poorly of me as to believe that I'd really do such a thing - write that about you.

"Though, I suppose in order to prevent a paradox, I must write such a poem now."

I rise from my seat and find myself placing one comforting hand on the woman's shoulder... She really does look younger than me.

"Oh, oh," she sobs, flinching away from my touch. "I... Oh, I've made such a mistake!" She bursts into tears. "I d...didn't... I w...wouldn't have..."

"Asahina-san, calm down," I try, as encouraging and comforting as I can. "I don't understand everything ... but you're here now, right?"

"I... I have to go!" she blurts out suddenly, shooting to her feet. She's shorter than me...

She hugs me tightly, pressing her face into my shirt.

"I'm sorry," she sobs, "I had thought- Oh, Kyon-kun... Take care, won't you? I want you to be happy, and so-"

And that's it, then, because that's when everything goes black again.

* * *

I come to my senses for the third time, finding myself laying on the sidewalk where I had encountered Asahina-san first that ... day? Is it the same day?

I don't know ... but I can find out.

Running home, I storm up the stairs and throw open the door, winded and out of breath. Nagato looks up from the table, blinking at me in consternation. The calendar tells me that I haven't lost any time at all...

Kintaro is with his mother, tonight, so it's just the two of us. Settling down, I kick my shoes off and close the door before sinking heavily to sit at the table near Nagato.

"You are troubled," she judges, a faint frown touching the edges of her lips.

"I..." Where to begin? Sighing, I shake my head. "I ran into Asahina-san..."

Nagato's lips compress into a flat line, and her eyes harden, flicking across me as though searching for visible signs of damage. Strange.

"She ... sent me back to Haruhi's island party."

Nagato blinks several times at that, her tension relaxing very slightly. "I see," she answers after a moment, studying me in a new light.

She rises from her place at the table and moves to my side, sitting next to me and leaning against me heavily, one arm going around my back.

"You are the father," she determines.

I nod wordlessly.

"Congratulations," she decides, her arm squeezing me slightly tighter.

I wonder what she's going through - what she's thinking... I put an arm around her and gently hug her back.

In a way ... after encountering a Haruhi I couldn't tell the truth to, and then both versions of Asahina-san... After that, Nagato's embrace, her familiarity...

We're family, I suppose. I can trust her with my secrets.

"I wish I could tell Haruhi," I sigh.

She purses her lips at that, not saying anything.

Or ... could it be...

It might be one of many things I would endure for the sake of Haruhi - and our child.

With Tsuruya at my back, and Nagato at my side...

"Nagato, you're too good to me," I decide. "If there's anything I can do for you, well..." As if I hadn't said such things countless times over our years together.

She nods slightly, then says, "Thank you."

* * *

Some days later, when I've finished sorting things out - and started on that irritating poem Asahina-san inadvertently obliged me to write - I find the opportunity to chat with Haruhi during my lunch break.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say that she creates the opportunity by bringing me lunch. I'm about halfway done with the daily raking of loose cherry petals when she comes out to meet me in the yard with a blanket and a multi-compartment bento. "Hey!" she calls, giving me a bright smile. "Have lunch with me!"

I gladly set the rake aside and help her lay out the blanket. Shortly we're both seated, and she busies herself setting out the meal and serving tea.

"Thank you," I say, offering her a smile of my own. "What brings this all on?"

"Hey, it seems to me that if you're doing something for me, I should do something for you, too, right?"

"Well, thank you, Haruhi, but you've done a lot for me, too," I reply.

She gives me a slightly confused glance, handing over a teacup. "You've got a funny look on your face. So, what's bothering you?"

"Hmm... Haruhi, you asked me a question, and I'd been avoiding answering it..."

She blinks, then settles back onto her heels as she watches me warily, her smile shifting to faint worry.

"I'll be completely honest, since I don't know any other way to do this," I decide, shaking my head and turning to look at the carpet of cherry petals. "I want to help you, more than anything ... but I'm afraid of the idea of you leaving." I laugh weakly at that. "Look at me ... I ran away from you, and now I'm scared to let you go..."

"K...Kyon," Haruhi says softly.

I turn to look at her, and she looks conflicted, uncertain... She's blushing, and happy, behind that, but confused, too. "Um," she says, shaking her head, staring into her teacup. "I..." She pauses, swallowing nervously. "So ... what, then? You think ... I should stay?"

"...yeah. And being honest ... not just for the baby." I shrug. "It's selfish, I know ... and stupid, probably, but then, what else have I ever been? I don't think you should stop pursuing your dream; I know that's important to you. But at the same time ... you're able to do so much that I have a hard time seeing you unable to do all that and _still_ find time to be there for your child.

"And speaking of our impending chibi-Haruhi, I actually like the idea of being part of its life ... but why not leave the most important to you?"

She shifts her shoulders and shrinks into herself somewhat, her hands reflexively going to her more pronounced midsection. "Um," she manages, trembling. "S...stupid Kyon ... what are you trying to say?"

I swallow at that, and hang my head. "I want to say I'll help raise your child," I admit. "I think it's a great chance, but ... I want you to be there too, if you can be. For both myself _and_ the baby. I suppose I'm just too selfish..."

She winces, turning away. "I don't... I don't know," she mumbles, bowing her head. "I... I've been thinking... Ah, about second chances, and the bonsai... Um, if you think about it - we're like branches on a tree, right?"

"Sure," I allow, not quite certain where she's going with this yet. Still, gardening and plant analogies are something of an area of expertise at this point, so it takes almost no time at all to put myself in that mindset.

"If... If one of those branches is weaker," she starts, shivering, reminding me of that conversation in the gardening shed, with the bonsai.

"No!" I yelp, horrified by the connection. "That's- Haruhi, I'm not even going to let you finish that!" I protest, moving around the bento between us and taking her hands. She starts, eyes widening as she looks up at me, strangely small and vulnerable now, but unresisting. "You're not a branch on a tree - you're a real person.

"Bonsai are- Bonsai are groomed show pieces! They're raised in specific, confining situations to-

"No, look, if you really want to carry that analogy, then you're not a branch."

"W...well," she stutters, eyes flicking away, her face reddening. "So ... you're like a trunk that supports a lot of branches, aren't you? If I'm not a branch, what am I?"

"The taproot," I declare confidently. "The most critical part of the support structure, and the part that brings new energy into the plant. Oh, sure, the leaves are important, too, but seeds sprout taproots before those are ever unfurled. How can you expect your child to go on if you try and remove yourself from their life? What..."

I trail off there, and take a breath, gently squeezing Haruhi's hands. I force myself to say what I really mean, and for this, my smile is not at all forced. "How can you expect _me_ to go on without you, like that? Without my taproot ... this trunk is going to wither and fall over ... and how can I support any branches like that?"

"I... I'm not," she tries to protest, shaking her head, but unable to deny an embarrassed, flattered smile. "Um..." She gives a firmer shake of her head and looks into my eyes, saying, "I wish I could believe that, but-"

"I'll prove it to you," I decide, realizing that it's true. "I... Okay. Haruhi, I'll be honest - there have been things I haven't been able to tell you before, and it bothers me to keep these things hidden from you."

She blinks at that, her blush fading as she gives me a more discerning look - though she doesn't try and pull her hands back. "So ... you do know what happened to Tsuruya's husband?" she surmises.

Oh, but that's only the surface, Haruhi. Still ... even though I know I want to tell her - even though I _will_ tell her... It comes to me then that there's a perfect way to explain things to her - and to give me a reason to backpedal and delay my explanations until I can make them _reasonable_.

"I'll write you a book that explains everything," I promise her. "I swear - once our baby is born-" I start, before cutting myself off, realizing my slip. That ... was careless of me.

"You..." She shifts her shoulders, face reddening as she looks away again. "'Our baby,' you say..." she manages, her cross tone of voice ruined by her delighted grin. She realizes this after she finishes speaking, so pouts, her eyes shimmering. "So... You ... really want do your best for us?" she asks with a scared, hopeful smile, her eyes drifting lower, to the growing life beneath her hands. "I... Well, you take care of other people well enough, so I suppose if anyone can handle it, it'll be you...

"Okay... Okay! Yes, that's - I don't know what amazing secrets you have, but I'll find out," she warns, still smiling.

And then, something else I should have planned, but it comes to me anyway. "You thought of us branches on a tree, Haruhi? How about this, then:"

"Growing together,  
"spreading from a lone root;  
"branches on a tree."

Her eyes meet mine and hold my gaze intensely. "Yeah," she agrees. "That's ... I get it, Kyon. That's smart of you, not to push until then... I might not say 'yes' before-" She cuts herself off, biting her tongue at that as she looks away and blushes furiously.

There's still a miscommunication there, but I'll let it be for now. Because now ... I _will_ come clean. I _will_ find the right words to tell her the truth of everything.

"There's no reason to rush growth," I agree, nodding at her, almost afraid to hope I correctly understand the implications of her own slip.

Then lunch is forgotten as she awkwardly scrambles off her knees to tumbles into me, seizing hold with all of her strength. It's quiet then, as I put my arms around her, and a soft breeze comes through the trees. For a long while, she says nothing, just clinging to me.

* * *

Sitting at the side of Haruhi's hospital bed, I cradle our still-unnamed daughter in my arms. Her eyes are lidded and drowsy, but she smiles up at me anyway.

For all she's just gone through, the new mother is intent on the book in her hands. It's small, and there's only one copy of it. I wrote it, Nagato edited it, and Tsuruya promised me that no one else would ever read a word of the manuscript once it was complete.

I try my hardest not to worry about her reaction, just focusing on the baby. It's not a very long book, but I admit, I couldn't help but think about the way her tired smile faded to a flat line when she saw the name of the author.

Which was not my name ... but _was_ a name I had given to Haruhi once before.

The sound of another page sliding across the book reaches my ears, and I smile back at the little girl. Haruhi closes the thing with a heavy sigh, and I cautiously look up. Her gaze is on the window, distant and unreadable.

The baby gurgles softly, a sound I identified from Kintaro's younger days. Before she can escalate it into a full wail, I rise to my feet, careful not to jostle her, and softly say, "She's hungry."

Haruhi blinks, her eyes turning to me, attention returning to the moment as she sets the book down and reaches towards us.

I gently hand the infant over, and before she can cry- Well, I turn away to give them a bit of privacy, moving to stand by the window. From the foot of Haruhi's bed I gaze outside at the clouds, trying not to think about so many things. I've been in this room, in this hospital, before...

"This is ... kind of a lot to take in," Haruhi murmurs. "It's... I believe you. I really do, though..."

I hesitantly glance at her, but quickly look away when I get an unintentional eyeful, my face red. Haruhi, naturally, snorts at my reaction. "Alright- I really have to know, though- You're _sure_ there's nothing going on with you and Yuki? After she did _that_ for you?"

"Well ... you weren't there," I say, somewhat feebly. "And ... that wasn't the Nagato that's like a sister to me."

"Ah," Haruhi manages, a little off guard by that reply. "Well... Why the _hell_ didn't you marry Tsuruya!"

I turn to stare at her in surprise - and then quickly away again. Really, more than 'Nagato was once an alien,' or 'Koizumi was an esper,' or 'Asahina-san helped me travel back in time to be the father of our child,' she focuses on _that_?

Then again, really, maybe her priorities are in better order than mine.

"It would have looked terrible to her family," I say, shaking my head sharply. "Plus ... considering that Kintaro is ... officially the heir to two family lines..." I leave the rest unsaid on that count.

"I don't particularly like that, but okay," Haruhi allows dubiously. I catch her nodding out of the corner of my eyes and studiously look away again as she allows a quick hiss of breath. "Careful! Not so hard..."

I hear the rustle of cloth as she shifts around, and an irritated, discontented gurgle from the baby before Haruhi chuckles softly. "There ... better? Hmm... Well, this is ... a lot to handle, Kyon. Honestly ... I'm not really sure what to say yet..."

Bracing myself, I turn to look at her, managing a smile. "If you'll understand that I really, never want to keep a secret from you like that again..." And then, aside from the book, I reach into my pocket, fumbling for the thing that Nagato helped me design, and Tsuruya helped me find a craftsman to make, inscribed with that poem from a picnic, not terribly long ago. "You could say yes?" I suggest, stepping to her side and offering it out.

"Okay," she says, giving me that radiant smile again. "But keep it for now; my fingers are _way_ too swollen."

I can't help but chuckle at that reminder, my eyes narrowing in mirth as a knock warns of an incoming attendant. I ignore it, just watching the baby as Haruhi gently pulls her away and then closes her gown.

"Hello," a cheerful voice calls quietly, giving us a minute to react before she moves around the privacy barrier. A blue-haired nurse steps into the room holding a clipboard; something about that nurse seems familiar, but I really can't bring myself to focus on her. "Sorry for the interruption, Suzumiya-san. Is this a good time?"

"Eh, if it's important," Haruhi allows calmly. "But, hey, I _am_ having an important discussion with the father of my child, here!"

"Oh, if it's a bother - you have plenty of time, I can always come back later," the nurse says apologetically, drawing slightly away. "We wanted to know the name of the father, so that answers one question. Then, for now I'll just ask if you've chosen a name for your sweet little girl?"

"N...yes, actually," Haruhi decides, grinning, shooting me a smirk. "I think I dreamed up the perfect little girl a while back, didn't I? She had a wonderful name, and so - Yasumi!"

"Oh, that is wonderful," the nurse agrees, once Haruhi writes the kanji she's picked out on the clipboard and hands it back. "Now, sorry for interrupting you; we just want to make sure you're well."

"I'm starting to think we will be," Haruhi answers, as both of us turn to look at Yasumi, who seems to belatedly giggle in approval of her name, making a contented sound as her eyes drift shut.


End file.
